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Hello All,
I have a beautiful red haired 6 year old daughter that my husband & brought home at 9 days old. We tried for 13 years to have a baby thru medical treatments, surgeries & adoption. She is our only child & our world & we love her more each day.
She has always known that she was adopted. We started at around 2 yrs. reading her children's books on adoption. Over time we have explained it more to her as she could understand with age. We believe that she should grow up knowing that she is adopted & that it is no "BIG" secret, because a secret seems to be a bad thing that is to be kept hidden. We feel she has the right to know where she came from and we want her to be proud of who she is. She feels free and comfortable to ask questions about her bmom & birthfamily. She has even asked to take her adoption books to school on "favorite book day" at school which we have fully supported when SHE has asked. Her teacher says she enjoys the other kids asking questions about her adoption and quickly answers their questions.
Lately she has been asking questions about her Bmom that I wasn't quite prepared for at 6 years old. We are very lucky to have a lot of information on her bmom & bfamily & know who they are & where they are.
Her bmom asked for a closed adoption & we agreed, although I did send a letter for her bmom on the day the adoption was finalized telling her that if she ever wanted to write a letter or know how her baby was doing that all she had to do was ask. We have gifts that her bmom left for her that were given to us on the day we brought her home and a letter and a few pics. Her bfather has yet to make any effort or contact about her at all. But we also offered him the same options.
A few months ago we had a call from the agency asking if we would accept a letter from the bmom and was also told that the bmom was requesting pics. We talked it over & decided that we had no problem with this. We were excited for our daughter because we knew that it would one day mean a lot to her to know that her bmom was thinking of her. We HAVE NO PROBLEM with our daughter one day meeting her bmom if that is her decision. We do not encourage or discourage it, because we feel that this will one day be her personal decision. We will fully support whatever decision she makes. We are & always will be her mom and dad and do not feel threatened by this is any way. We also understand the need that some adoptees have to find & meet their birthfamilies. I have an adopted brother and grew up understanding a lot about adoption from several angles. But my brother had NO info about his birthfamily.
Although we know & are thankful for a lot of info on our daughter's birthparents, we are unsure on how much info to give her at 6 years old. She does not know that her bmom wrote to us and that her bmom also sent a letter for her. The letter that her bmom sent for her talks about how much she thinks of her and why she gave her up...but it is very long and detailed and we feel she could not understand it all at this time, but will give it to her when we feel she can understand what her bmom intended her too. We have always told her that her mom was young and wanted what was best for her baby which was a family that could give her what she wanted her to have. Which is true but of course thaere is much more detail to the story like the fact that she was not married or did she intend to marry the bfather & she was in school & had no job or money or ANY family support or way to raise a child.
Lately our daughter keeps asking if her bmom is dead. When we assure her that no she is not dead, she always asks"how do you know for sure? We tell her that the agency will let us know if she is ever hurt or sick or if anything were to happen to her.
She has also began to ask to see a pic of her & we are not sure if we should show these to her at this time. She has asked numerous times lately when she can meet her bmom. We told her one day when she is older. Her reply is ALWAYS but I want to meet her while I am still a kid. She asks where she lives (Which We Know) but tell her we are not sure. We hate lying to her but her bmom is very near us and we are afraid to tell her the truth. We also have to keep the bmom's wishes which are for her not to know this info until she is older.
We have told her that there are some questions that only her bmom knows & can answer. So we now have started an adoption folder. We told her that this folder is a place that she can write down and keep her questions for her bmom to one day answer if she chooses to meet her. Are we doing the right thing for her??
I guess what has most bothered me is what happened about 3 weeks ago. One morning my daughter told me that she had a dream. I said you did, & she said do you want me to tell you about it?? Of course I said yes. She said that she dreamed that she was in bed & saw a beautiful pink glow coming from downstairs in our basement. I said oh that was probably where you saw out tanning bed light because we had recently purchased a tanning bed and you can see the glow from it from the stairs when it is being used. She said no mom, the tanning bed has a bright kinda blue light. Then she said this light was a beautiful pink light & when I got out of bed & looked at it there was a beautiful lady with long blonde hair & blue eyes walking from the light & I think it was my BMOM!!!! I was speechless for a moment...well several moments. I just told her that it was just a dream & that we have to remember that dreams aren't real. But at the same time I was saying this I was stunned!!!! I felt bad for not saying more, but honestly did not know what to say.
How far should I go with giving her info on her bmom at 6 years old??? I expected all these questions one day...just NOT at 6 years old!! I just want to do what is best for our daughter!! Not what is best for my husband & I or her bmom...but the right thing for our daughter. is this normal for a 6 year old to be having these type dreams & questions??? Should I show her the pics of her bmom & the letter her bmom sent??? Would this give her some peace to her questions and fears or make her have more questions and fears? I do not know what to do...!!!???????
I never want to hear from my little angel one day....."Why didn't you tell me the truth????"
I have had advice & opinions flying from all sort of directions from family & friends on my questions...!! But I would love to hear from other ADOPTIVE PARENTS & ADOPTEES ON this subject!!
********* I would so very, very much appreciate any advice & opinions on this from you all."""""""""
Thank You So Very Much In Advance.....
Worried Mom,
Candy:confused: :confused:
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Originally posted by Candy41
We were excited for our daughter because we knew that it would one day mean a lot to her to know that her bmom was thinking of her. We HAVE NO PROBLEM with our daughter one day meeting her bmom if that is her decision. We do not encourage or discourage it, because we feel that this will one day be her personal decision. We will fully support whatever decision she makes.
Although we know & are thankful for a lot of info on our daughter's birthparents, we are unsure on how much info to give her at 6 years old. She does not know that her bmom wrote to us and that her bmom also sent a letter for her.
Lately our daughter keeps asking if her bmom is dead. When we assure her that no she is not dead, she always asks"how do you know for sure? We tell her that the agency will let us know if she is ever hurt or sick or if anything were to happen to her.
She has also began to ask to see a pic of her & we are not sure if we should show these to her at this time. She has asked numerous times lately when she can meet her bmom. We told her one day when she is older. Her reply is ALWAYS but I want to meet her while I am still a kid. She asks where she lives (Which We Know) but tell her we are not sure. We hate lying to her but her bmom is very near us and we are afraid to tell her the truth. We also have to keep the bmom's wishes which are for her not to know this info until she is older.
We have told her that there are some questions that only her bmom knows & can answer. So we now have started an adoption folder. We told her that this folder is a place that she can write down and keep her questions for her bmom to one day answer if she chooses to meet her. Are we doing the right thing for her??
How far should I go with giving her info on her bmom at 6 years old??? I expected all these questions one day...just NOT at 6 years old!! I just want to do what is best for our daughter!!
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I would write to the bmom, or call her, and let her know that your dd is asking questions and you are going to be honest with her. You could ask the bmom if she wants to meet with your family if that is what your dd requests. Don't lie to your dd. Lies always have a way of catching up with you. You'll turn out to be the bad guy.
I have 5 and 7 yr old adopted children and they do fine with a couple visits a year. They lived with their bp's until they were 2 and almost 5. They do have a big fear of their bfamily dying. Visits relieve that fear.
Candy,
First, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter. I can see how somethiong like that could throw you for a loop
I'm an adoptee, and it's not uncommon for adopted kids to have a fairy birthmother. You've told her her birthmother is a wonderful unselfish person who wanted to give her the very best life possible. You've told her how much love it took to give her up. To your daughter the birthmother is at the heart of the mystery that makes her so special. In her dream her birthmom had a very Disney movie fairy queen like appearance. It's only normal for a kid her age to associate the things you told her with stories she has heard or seen in the movies. Think of Cinderella, Snow White etc. in all of these stories the b-mom is missing. This is not to say that you are the evil step-mother by any means, but she has some thing in common with charaters that loom very big in the mind of a little girl.
As to contact with the b-mom, be kind of careful. As good a person as the b-mom might be, she isn't what you're child is imagining. Yes, you should tell her that her b-mom is okay and thinks of her all the time. But actually meeting her is something that will be both wonderful and confusing. I would prepare her by showing her photos and talking to her, in language that is age appropriate about some of the things that led to her adoption. I would give this info time to kind of sink in before moving forward. The more she knows, the less wonder the world will hold for her. This is grown-up stuff, I hate to see kids grow-up before they have to.
Please let the birthmother know she is doing well. But you might want to keep it at that for a bit.
LewEllen
Candy,
First and foremost, as an adoptee, your post warms my heart and soul! :D THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being the kind of parents that you and your husband are/and strive to be.
Six years old, in my opinion, is certainly not too young to want the kind of answers your daughter wants and to have the kind of dreams you described. At that age, I would have traded my best teddy bear and my lunch money for a year to see a picture of my birthmom! ;) Unfortunately, my parents were very "closed" about my adoption, and I had to wait until I was nearly 40 to see my birthmom's face in a picture! :(
In my opinion, seeing ones birthmother makes things so much more "concrete" in your mind. As long as she is just a person you talk about, with no "face" to put with the name or the concept, your daughter will continue to think of her as that lovely, fairy princess in the pink light. Fantasies escalate the older kids get....sometimes they attach all kinds of "expectations" to those fantasies, and then, one day, when they actually make contact with their birthmoms, they become disillusioned when they aren't the "super human" they've built in their minds. Kids need to know that birthmoms are people just like everyone else, with foibles and faults and real life, every day lives. There is nothing more daunting for a birthmom than to meet their birthchild only to discover that all their lives, their child has put them on some type of unattainable pedestal.
I would make a copy of the pictures her birthmom left for her, and give them to her (keep the originals safe)....let her have them. They are hers. If she asks how you know her birthmom is alive, tell her you know because she sent a letter. If she wants to see the letter, let her see it. You mentioned that her birthmother left gifts for her......I have no idea what those "gifts" might be, but if it's something tangible, let her see it -- let her touch it and hold it. If it's something she might break at this age, or something you don't want her to lose, just let her take them out, and look at them, hold on to them for awhile with supervision, and then explain that you are putting them in a safe place for her to have when she is older. Undoubtedly, she will ask to see them from time to time, and you can carefully take them out, let her see them, and then put them away again. My four year old adopted God Daughter has a beautiful cross necklace that is handled in that same fashion -- it's kept in the "treasure hutch", and from time to time, she will ask to see it. We take it out, and she puts it on -- it is VERY special. She never minds taking it off and putting it back.....she knows it's there and she knows she can see it whenever she wants to -- and that one day, when she is old enough to be responsible for it, she can wear it all the time -- but for now, we are keeping it safe for her.
You mentioned that her birthmom asked for pictures and that you were fine with that. Did you end up sending the pictures? Just curious! If your daughter's birthmom is interested in receiving pictures, she might be interested in a letter from you, as well.....maybe you could write to her and let her know that your daughter has a healthy interest and curiosity with regard to her....maybe your daughter would like to paint or color a picture for her birthmom? Ask, in your letter, if it would be okay to forward those drawings with future letters and pictures. If that is too painful for her, have your daughter put those kinds of things in her "file" to share with her someday.
I commend you and your husband for being so wonderful about all of this, and I will keep you all close in my prayers, as I do all adoptive families!
Hugs,
Sally
I enjoyed reading your post. I know you didn't say you wanted to hear from birthmoms, so I hope you don't mind me posting.
I was thinking the same as Sally, your daughter does not have any idea what her birthmom looks like, so she is trying to put a face on her. It's like I have no idea what my daughter looks like, so I spend alot of time just trying to guess what she looks like, out in public, I look at so many faces to see if I might see her, if I knew what she looked like I wouldn't feel like I had to do this and I could quit spending so much time trying to guess, the unknown can be exhasting, a picture really is worth a thousand words and can be pretty calming.
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I just wanted to sat thanks to all who have replyed to my questions so far. It really helps to see thoughts from others. To the one post that said that I didn't ask to hear from bmoms. I would also love to hear from bmoms on my questions and welcome your thoughts. Also to answer the question asked ...Did I ever send the pics of my daughter to the bmom.. The answer is YES, I copied pics from the day we brought our angel home until her current age & made a special photo album just for the bmom. I also wrote by each pic what was going on at the time of the pic.
I was at first unsure as to what I would say in the letter I sent the bmom. But as I began to write it was very natural to me. I wrote an 8 page letter to her and told her all I could about her little girl. i told her dates of things such as when she said her first words..her first steps...first tooth ect. I explained as best as I could my daughter's personality. I also told bmom about all the questions and comments her little girl asked about her. I want bmom to know that she is thought of by her little girl and by us. We want her to know that she has never been forgotten & will never be forgotten. I also made a slideshow of pics on CD & sent a lock of her little girl's beautiful red hair to her.
Our little angel drew a pic and wrote a little letter for bmom. I told her that it would be to put in her little folder to one day give her bmom, but I did send it to her bmom.
The bmom wrote us back a long letter & sent the letter for her little girl. She also sent a beautiful book for all of us.
The bmom said that she is at peace with the decisions that she made & has no regrets. But one of the things that she said will forever stay with me. She said making the right decision and living with that decision are two very different things. I think of the bmom so very much & always have. I do not ever pretend to know how she feels for I have not walked in her shoes. I do know that I care for her deeply and am so very grateful for the angel she has allowed & trusted us us to raise. I too hope to one day meet this special lady. I can see us talking about "our little angel" FOR HOURS.
We sent her a thank you letter and told her she was welcome to write at any time. It has been a few months now & we have heard nothing so far. But I know that we will hear from her again when she is ready.
Thanks again for all your thoughts. This is helping me more than you know.
I just wanted to say that I think it's teriffic that you're taking so much time to put photos together, and to learn how to proceed to help your daughter.
I was adopted, like Shirleyville, in the closed era. Although I could talk about it with my parents, they had zero information to share. So I wanted to say that I agree with both Brenda (a great resource and educator!) and Shirleyville.
I don't think 6 is too young to have more information. When I was in early grade school, I began to refuse to go to sleep the night before my birthday - I felt somehow I HAD to stay awake, I wanted to think about my birthmother, and know if she was thinking about me. Also in grade school, I began to read telephone books to see if I would recognize her last name - and of course, I always looked for people in crowds who might be her. I was very curious, and not in a way that was very comfortable, because it was all a fantasy and the lack of knowledge (besides "she loved you very much") did nothing to assuage my curiosity - it only made me feel different and apart from others. Tho' these feelings began around the age of 4 or 5, they were the most challenging when I was in high school.
Having a picture, seeing a real person, having some sort of information to round out the story would have made my childhood much, much easier.
Best wishes to you and your family...
Sally & Elizabeth have, once again, taken the words right out of my mouth and expressed more eloquently that I could have ever hoped.
I too was adopted in the "closed" era. Oh how I wish my aparents would have had the attitude you do while I was growing up.
Your daughter is so blessed to have you as her mommy.
All the best to you and your angel
Toby
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I showed my six year old pictures,and spent time answering her questions about her bmom.She asked questions such as,What does she look like?Does she look like me??etc.I just answered her questions honestly,and showed her the pictures.It put her questions to rest,and she has moved on.Im sure she will go through phases where she needs to know the answers to questions in her mind.Children are more intellectual than we like to realize.I ,as a therapist,understand the importance of working through basic identity issues as a child,and honesty from adoptive parents is what the children are after.Your daughter will push until she gets answers.My guess is that after she receives the answers that she needs,she will put the questions to rest for awhile.
Stacie