Birthdays

Kerry Lynn, When I read your post, one line stood out. "... I respect her more than anyone I have ever known for what she was able to do so selflessly." I can't help but wonder why this woman you've never met holds this place in your heart, while your own mother does not. I don't know your life's history or what would cause you to feel this way, but surely as a mother you know that giving birth is only the begining of a life time of sacrifices you make for your children. I don't mean to sound harsh, especially since I don't know the full story, but it sounds like you're placing a lot of stock in a person you know nothing about. I hope sincerely for your sake that you one day meet her.

Yes, you are right. Giving birth is only one of the MANY sacrifices a mother makes for her child. I am a firm believer that just because a woman has a uterus, that does not mean she should use it. There are many women I know, personally, who had children for all the WRONG reasons. And conversely, just because you "buy" (for lack of a better term, but in essence, in it's most simplistic form, that IS what adoption is...) a baby or child, that does not make that parent any better (or worse). I have lived a liftime of my aparents telling how they saved me from the clutches of a negligent orphanage in the middle of nowhere. They speak freely of where I came from, but freeze up when I want information about who I AM; where do I come from; what do you know about my bparents. To admit a desire to search my heritage & birthmother is slapping my aprents in the face. To them, I am insulting THEM for the gift they gave ME. How dare I seek someone who has nothing to do with me? And yet, if not for this "nobody", I would not exist. I am, without a doubt, cut from a completely different cloth than my afam. But those differences are faults, not assets, to them. I am too sensitive, too emotional; I think too much, and I expect too much. I seek others for company when I "should" be alone and keep to myself. I have always been told what to feel and do, and NONE of it is true to my self. So, in SPITE of their efforts -- good intentioned or not; conscious or subconscious -- I do, in fact, LIKE the person I am. And to me, I must give credit, where credit is due: my genes. [I have also recently started posting on the thread about the Primal Wound Theory, if there's more you want to know.] You see, when parents adopt a child, they forget that there is a LIFETIME of differences and adjustments we have to make. To deny the child the freedom and encouragement to learn about those differences, it will only result itself in pain & bitterness. I think the most well-adjusted happy adoptees are those who were raised in an environment that embraced the origin of the child, and made it a PART of the child's identity. Those were parents who wanted a child to love & raise for the pure joy of loving & raising a child. Not for some pat on the shoulder for Saving some poor wretched child. <yikes...just a little anger????:eek: > In any case, I hope what I wrote helps explain my thoughts.

I am always sad when I read posts from adoptees who have so much anger. I am an adoptee who is grateful to both my moms. The one who gave me life, and the one who raised me. If your adoptive mom slandered your bio-mom, she probably did it out of fear. Imagine raising a girl, loving her from infancy, and then having her go and find her birthmom and maybe loving her more than you! My a-mom used to tell me not to search for my birthmom, because "she has probably gotten married and didn't tell her husband about you". My adoptive Mom passed away when I was 15, but I still didn't search because I was afraid to hurt my dads feelings. I finally searched when I was 29 and pregnant with my son. I found my birthmom and sister a couple of years later. While I am glad that I got to meet them, I know who my "real" family is.

Let me preface what I have to say with the condition that all is written with humility, and respect...and to a degree, with awe, amazement and yes...jealousy.... My a-parents have ALWAYS been controlling, demanding perfection, and relentless with their expectations of ME. They have a birth-son...older than me...who, according to my parents, and extended family IS Christ in the Second Coming. The fact that he molested me, beat me, and was the most vile human being to ME, has no consequence to THEM. In fact, I was WRONG, 15 yrs after-the-fact, to disclose such disgusting thoughts of MY experience to a family that was "Perfect". As a result, my mother...the unconditionally loving woman who CHOSE me to be HER'S...chose to relinquish all contact with me for over 3 yrs, as punishment for making such accusations. How DARE I imply all that ALL she had done for ME was less than PERFECT? Anger?...You betchya. Founded & justified? You tell me... So, yes, I DO glorify my birthmom...because 1st) what I was told by my a-mom was all false (my b.mom was NOT a drunk who had no control over her libido) Info I learned just this past yr, without my a-family knowing..... and 2nd) As a parent, Dismissal can NEVER be an acceptable means of handeling conflict or discomfort. And BLAME or denial of incest is morally corrupt. Blood or no blood relation -- it is WRONG, and the victim should not EVER be put in a position of defending herself. Had I been my a-parent's "real" daughter, I wonder what their reaction would have been.... So, just as those who cannot fathom such "anger", I cannot fathom such love & acceptance from people who are not Family. I am glad to hear that there ARE, in fact, happy, successful examples & testimonies of Adoption - but from my personal experience, that is just as much of a Fairy Tale as Cinderella or Rapunzel. There seems to be this belief, implied or otherwise, that we who have been adopted should be "grateful" for our adoptive parents. For some, maybe that IS valid, but for me, and what I have experienced, how is one to be grateful for being robbed of SO much??? Is wanting a Mom, with all the unconditional love that's implied with those 3 simple letters, TOO much to ask for? For some of us, the phantom mother is far better, safer & more loving than our realities. Haunting....isn't it?

I really don't know what to think of my **. I just received more non-id info about her. I just found out she had a 2 year old son when I was born. I am assuming she has more kids now. I was probably the only one to go, b/c i was born in the middle. I don't even have the same father as my brother and my birthfather was never told that she was pregnant. I just don't know what to think about this woman at all. Was he a bad man? did she just not want his family to raise me? WAs it a one night fling? I know that she had a hard time supporting her son and herself, but if you know that than why get pregnant again. It makes me wonder why she wasn't more careful. She only knew my birthfather briefly. If I found him, he wouldn't even believe i was his after all these years. I just would like to find her, b/c I have so many questions that need answering. Ever since I can remember, I have felt unwanted and thrown away. I don't know why this pain won't go away. I need to see her and hear her tell me she loved me and wanted what was best for me. To make things worse, my birthday is coming up. I hate birthdays, b/c it just reminds me of the day I wasn't wanted. I don't do much, b/c I don't have many friends and my family isn't big or even medium. How do I get through another year of a terrible birthday. any suggestions? Thanks for listening, Veronica New Orleans adoptee 1981

Veronica, I can so well relate to your feelings about dreading "another" birthday. For most, it is a celebration of Life, and the somewhat formal recognition that the person celebrating is loved, wanted & appreciated by those closest to that person. At least, that's MY ideal... I have always felt a keen sadness, and emptiness on my birthdays. I never knew what time of the day I was born, so as a child, I used to say that I was born at 7:30 am. That way, upon going to school, I WAS The Official Birthday Girl. I always have memories of assuming the role of having fun, excitement, and happiness, but to this day, my insides feeling empty and barren. I have, only just recently, decided to allow myself the proper and sincere sentiment that I truly feel to be the means of "celebration" for myself on my birthday. I make it clear to all those around me I need to be alone for a few hours. And I allow myself the full experience of feeling sad. A Birthday Pity Party, you can say! And it helps. I take care of MYSELF the way a mother would care for her child. I take a bubble bath; get dressed in a nice dress and put on the jewlery I never wear. I put on make-up AND perfume, and wear the dressiest shoes I can find. I treat myself to lunch, I shop alone and buy something I would normally not buy for myself, like expensive salon shampoo... Because even if I feel cold and dead inside, my physical appearance is attractive and motivating enough to NOT wallow alone, at home for the entire day! Instead, I am out & about, celebrating myself, reminding myself I AM worthy of being loved & pampered. I also want to remind you... even if the circumstances of your conception may or may not be what you would deem desirable, the truth of the matter is, your mom DID choose you important enough to keep inside of her, to allow you to grow, and to give birth to you knowing somehow, someway, your life and purpose has great meaning and significance. And that IS worthy of celebrating, isn't it?? :) ~Kerry

"As long as I can remember, I knew I was adopted. As much as people would say I looked just like my adoptive mother, that always made me cringe...because I always felt like she was trying to take credit for something that had nothing to do with her." I totally agree with you Kerry Lynn. In truth, I really DO look like my amom, but whenever she or anyone else would comment on that, it just never felt right. I would immediatly run into the bathroom and look into the mirror, trying to glimpse who I REALLY looked like. So many questions would flow through my head. Still to this day, I gaze into the mirror and can't help but wonder....

I have a question, Why did it bother you to be told you look like your AMom? My Adaughter is 2, and EVERYONE tells me she looks just like me. I've met her BMom, and honestly she does look more like me. Since there's no way to stop the comments,( perfect strangers come up to me and tell me she looks like me) what can I do for my daughter?

just a guess here, but I think it's like denying her birthfamily. what we often say when we get this is a number of things (including "funny, we're not genetically related" or "it's just skin tone, we have very different features", but when she's old enough I think I'll ask her what she'd like me to say. in the meantime, I'll say "she looks more like other family members" and give dd a wink. she'll know what I mean.

Kerry, there will always be some that do not understand the importance, birthmothers take in adoptees lifes. Especially when we look into the eyes of our 4 children. After carrying them for nine months, going into labor, giving birth to our own children, and knowing what our birth moms must have had to endured in order to offer us a better upbringing by handing us over to some stranger in a hospital. I just am very thankfull to this woman who is my own bithmom that she was able to be strong enough to do this. I've held my children in the hospital and there is no way I could ever hand them over, I had a hard time letting my mother in law hold them gods sake,,,lolol With out her decision, the life of my own kids would not be, I would have been brought up by a father that would have left eventually. Who knows how things would have gone and how my life would have ended up... I did get to tell her of my well being and give her my thanks about two weeks ago. It was wonderfull to be able to do this... As I reviewed all that I have,, I like you owe it to the decision she made.... It is a hard decision to choose life when abortion is so easy a choice to make. I give my parents much credit to my upbringing. I was very lucky to have been placed with good aparents, unlike you I was fairly lucky. What some do not understand, and how can they (they are not adoptees grown up in homes, with parents that throw the "you owe us" attitude at them) really understand... I guess the only thing we can do is try to explain the importance of these woman in our lives. I never placed much importance on finding my birthmother growing up. Once I had a family of my own and saw my own children growing up, I realized that it was not my adoptive parents that were responsible for starting this gene pool of mine. I had a lady out there in the world who was responsible for these beautiful kids of mine. Now my adoptive parents were responsible for helping me raise them, and they had a even better role, they got to be the grandparents of these babies, but that did not stop me from wanting to thank the person that made it poss. for them physically being her, or for me possibly being here.. And here is something else to look at, I wanted to tell her thankyou on behalf of my father who has passed away. I was everything to him, and his grandchildren. Having me in his life made his life full. He adored us kids and without adoption and the choice she made his life would not have been fullfilled.. I feel for adoptees that were thrown so much of the evil living environment that you were, and you have every right to feel angry, one day I hope you can celebrate your bday with pride, and with the info of your heritage. I hope that one day you are able, like I was to give thanks to the woman who started your beginning, and has been responsible for the children in your life right now... My bmom has told me she loves me, and that I meant the world to her. I never knew it would mean this much to me to find her. I never knew would have this much love in my heart for a woman I knew nothing about, and as scary as that might be to some, it is a fact. I care deeply for her. I did not see it coming, it hit me like a brick, it has filled me in places I never knew needed filling. I am enjoying ever bit of it... I wish the same for you, we all deserve to know our roots, we deserve to know every part of it, and not to feel guilty or wrong for wanting it or needing it,,,,it is ours,,,it is yours and you deserve it all of it,,, Hugs to you,,,ani

Perhaps your aparents are defensive because they "bought" you on the black market. It's really not that uncommon. IMO, it sounds as though they have something to hide. They need to have the bfamily be villianous in order for them to feel like the "good guys".