has someone else been through this?

Thanks for that Donna. I feel a little calmer today than I did last night! I think the reaction for me was a lot to do with jsut getting over my Dads death which had an enormous impact on me. I cared for him while he was terminally ill for many months and much to my surprise that took a much greater toll than I thought it would given that his death was no surprise. Ever since I seem to have been surrounded by very elderly aunts and Dads old neighbours all of whom seem to be lining up for their turn!!!!! Basically I have been overwhelmed with "old" and "dying" for ages now. And because my **'s death came rather like a bolt out of the blue it has knocked me sideways. I will take it as you said- an opportunity for closure and to say Goodbye and hopefully it will all fall into place. I am sure things will get a better perspective once the funeral is over.

JSGB, I justed wanted to express my sorry for you in the loss of your mother. I lost my bbrother one month ago today. And, yes, I did not know how to fit in at the funeral, either. But I discovered that others have the same feeling at funerals regardless of the relationship. At my brother's funeral there was a cousin who had been close to my brother as a child but had lost contact over the years. I noticed that she was sitting by herself and visably grieving. Not being known for being shy (although I really am), I just went over and sat down beside her and put my arm around her. After the funeral she told me her relationship to my brother, and asked who I was. Even though I was the one who "didn't fit it." I had the pleasure of re-introducing her to my brother's (her counsin's) family. I guess I fit in by trying to look for ways to serve the others. I'm not saying that's what you should do. I'm saying you will find your own way to fit in. May God bless you, Carolyn Kay

2 months after meeting my birthmom, she passed away unexpectedly in her sleep. she had a blood clot that blocked the artery from her heart to her lungs. she went braindead before they could get her to the hospital and stabilized. i took things extremely hard and to this day i can go and just sit at her grave and cry for hours...it felt like finally all the pieces to a puzzle that they call life were put together for me and then someone just stole the pieces again and threw them away for good...ill never see her again :( oh well, its tough...email me if you want to and we will talk about it sometime: lilangelnfla@hotmail.com...i completely understand and maybe we can talk and get some of the feelings to ease just knowing someone else understands. cheer up and i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Li'l Angel, When did your mother die? Was it recent? JSGB, Just wanted to see how you were doing. Did things go well at the funeral? Carolyn Kay

I want you to know you aren't alone. I lost my birthmom 3 years after meeting her. She just passed away July of 2003. All I can tell you is how I felt.... I felt a huge hole. I couldn't explain it really, but I did feel a loss. The only thing I can figure is that I had spent years looking for her, she was always a part of my life. Even as a child, I felt her presence. I always loved her, talked to her and knew I would meet her some day. She was out there somewhere, that was all I knew. Then when she passed, I realized that part of my life would never be the same. The part that held her close to me. Although our situations are similar, they are still very different and I hope I don't seems as though mine is worse or harder to deal with or understand. Just know you aren't alone.

Losing a family member is never easy no matter how close you are. I lost my cousin 3 months after meeting him. I talked to him through email and instant messages almost daily. It was a very odd grieving process. I missed him very much. I went to the funeral and was very well received. The family told me that he felt the same closeness I did. The grief I felt was that there just wasn't enough time to spend knowing him before I lost him or to know this "new" family and I feel an urgency that they did not. I also grieved the death of my birth mom even though she had died 25 years before I even knew she existed. I grieved for the time I wouldn't have. So no matter how long you know your birth mom, losing her after finding her is never easy...even if you never get to meet her. God bless all of you. April

Hi, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses. I can really empathize with you so please don't feel alone. Both of my adopted parents passed away within 3 weeks of one another right before the holidays 3 years ago. A few months later I found who my bmom was only to also find that she had passed away before I ever got to hug or speak with her. Even though I had never been with her I mourned her as if I had been with her all of my life. I was grieving for a long time. People had told me that because I experienced these major losses so close together that it would take longer to feel better. So allow yourself all of the time you need to grieve. Only your heart knows how long it will take. It has now been three years for me and I am finally able to remember the happy times, the funny things without crying. As far as going to the funeral, only know how you feel about that. You are her daughter too and so should not feel "weird" about it at all. I really feel for you as I know what you are going through. Please feel free to pm me and we can "talk". My prayers are with you. Snuffie

jsgb2653 Your grieving has touched a number of us, but we haven't hear back from you. How are you doing? April (Prov.12:34) expresses how I often feel. Because I lost my brother, I feel so very anxious to get to know others in my b family. I'm sure others, who have always known their birth family, do not understand the way we feel. I pray that all went well. I hope you will know we are here. Carolyn Kay

Hi. When I read the original post for this thread, I couldn't believe it. I could have written that myself! I experienced almost the same thing last December when my birthmother passed away the day after Christmas very unexpectedly. I went to the funeral several states away; I was compelled to go, and my three half-siblings really wanted me there. However, my adoptive family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) will no longer speak to me. Both my adoptive parents have passed away and would have both understood my attendance at the funeral, ironically enough. It's been hard accepting all of this. I always thought my adoptive family would be there for me, especially after my folks died. I was wrong. It has broken my heart. Luckily, my brother (also adopted) totally understands as does my husband, who went to Washington state with me. I was quite close to all those people before I went to the funeral, and now I've been cut off. It's very sad... I'm wondering if this is common...?? Sounds like it's certainly not UNcommon, anyway. Take care. Take comfort in those who support you and love you unconditionally. Lisa

[Lisa414] Lisa, I, too, wonder if this is common. I tried to find a thread that would address this. I can find no category "Grieving the Death of Adoptive Family." I was cut off from my adoptive family when my adoptive parents' died. Having been adopted at 14 months, this was the only family I knew. Perhaps, they never considered me family. Since my a parents' death, I have felt more freedom to establish a relationship with my birth family. But I wonder. Does it often happen that the death of the a parents means the death of that entire family? Thanks for asking your question, Lisa. I hope that I did not take too much liberty with your quote. I hope others will share their experience. Carolyn Kay

I am in a situation that is similar to this and I was looking for some advice... I was adopted when I was 4 days old. I have always known that I was adopted and have felt special because of it. When I was 18 I told my mom that I wanted to find out about my birth mother. I was amazed at how supportive my mom was. She contacted the agency to make an appointment for me to go & find out my non identifying info. (She even went with me) The social worker told me that she thought it would be best if I waited a few years before meeting my bmom. My bmom had been in in the past year to open my file if I came to search but the social worker thought that starting with letter would be good. ( I was at a transitional and emotional time in my life to begin with-starting college-and she thought it best to not add any more stress to my life) At the time I was upest. I thought I could handle it and didn't want to wait. After thinking about it more I decided to take her advice and began dropping off and picking up letters and photos at the agency. (my bmom & I both still lived in the same area.) We went on like this for about a year and then decided to talk on the phone. At first a couple of times a month and then more often. When I was 20 we both decided it was time to meet. I'll never forget it. My friend, mom & dad all came with me. We went to the agency and I met her and her mother (my birth grandmother). We had a good relationship for a few years ( I even met her siblings and 2 children and had relationships with them) It was hard at times. It seemed that she wanted more from me than I was willing to give. I had a hard time expressing those feelings to her so I didn't. That was a mistake. About three years ago she called me and was very upset. One of her sisters had died unexpectedly. I was sad for her and her family and was going to go to the wake in support of her and her children ( I had only met her siblings once or twice and barely knew them.) My mom was so amazing and supportive again. She said she'd go to the wake with me to make it easier on me. I called my bmom for info on how to get to the funeral home and she told me she had a spray of flowers that said "aunt" and included my name on it. I was shocked and didn't know what to say. I was upset and felt uncomfortable. Her sister wasn't my aunt was all I could think...by blood, yes, but in reality-no. I wasn't sure what to do. I decided not to go to the wake. I called my bmom and explained that I was so sorry for her loss but I felt too uncomfortable about how I would fit in at the wake. She told me that she understood. That was the last time I talked to her... I have thought about it so much over the years and I feel horrible about it. Did I make the wrong choice? Did we not talk again because of that situation? Should I contact her again? I think it has been on my mind lately because I am at a point in my life where I am trying to have a family of my own (unsuccessfully) and am considering adoption. I don't want my relationship with my birthmother to be left unresolved... Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.:)

Hi, TLM. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's tough when one or both of the people in the situation are uncomfortable with something that's happening -- neither party wants to hurt the other, but not having that life-long history with each other can make it difficult to predict reactions and make decisions. It seems, from the outside looking in, that letters have worked well for the two of you in the past. How about trying that form of communication again? When I'm am trying to make a difficult decision, I always ask myself, "What's the worst thing that could happen if I do this?" If it's something I can live with, I usually go ahead and try. If it's not, I abandon my idea. So, what is the worst thing that could happen if you wrote her a letter? Can you live with it? And how does that "worst thing" stack up to the way you are feeling now? In other words, is writing a letter and hoping for a response, whatever it might be, better than feeling terrible if you take no action at all? I hope I'm making some sense to you and that it can be of some help to you. I wish you luck, and I hope you will let us know how things turn out for you. Take care!

Thank you for your reply. You made a lot of sense! It is funny you mentioned writing a letter. I started a letter the other day. I actually came across a letter addressed to my birthmother I had written prior to meeting her. I guess it was a kind of "practice letter" of what I wanted to say. I've always been best at getting my feelings out throught writing, so I decided to write another "practice letter". I'm having a bit of a hard time deciding if I'll send it or not. I think it will give me piece of mind. I was going through old pictures & came across a few of me with my birthmother & her 2 (grown) children. They are only about 3 and 5 years younger than I am & I would love tho know how they are. I'm sure before the summer is up I'll send the letter & hope for a good response. I'll keep you updated. Thanks.

Lisa, I'm so glad you responded to TLM's post. I tried to respond a week ago but was having trouble knowing what to say. TLM, my situation was just the opposite. I was deeply hurt because my birth mother did not include me in the obit. upon my brother's death. Now, I have known my birth brothers and sisters for over 20 years and thought I had a good relationship with my birth family. My brother referred to me as his sister when introducing me to others. And I did likewise. Even though my brother was an adult, he was not married at the time of his death. Our mother took over all the arrangements, even though he has children. She decided my name would not be listed. Now I find myself in the same situation as you found yourself at the time of the funeral. I no longer want to have anything to do with my birth mother. (This is not the first time she has pulled similar stunts). My other birth siblings are hurt for me and my relationship with them has been strengthened. My birth mother has since asked me to dinner twice. I have accepted both times and found the meals somewhat enjoyable. But the hurt will be a long time in healing. Perhaps the best thing I can say is, "Don't stop the communication." If there was miscommunication, your letter(s) can help clarify. If there was hurt, your letter(s) can help heal the pain. Patience may be required. I agree with Lisa. Your letter could be the answer. Carolyn Kay