Pre-Adoptive Mom needs advice...

... I have written a couple and then discarded them as they were so wordy. Having experienced a chiild who rages and eventually was placed in a residential facility (rages which start even small can escalate to behaviors not only dangerous to himself but to you and others), I understand the feelings both of sadness, guilt and relief all at the same time. Please know that he is in the best place possible ... 45 days may just be the beginning time needed to determine what services he will need and begin a diagnosis/treatment plan for the pain that he is experiencing ... and it is pain! Whether it's a time thing that can be treated or a life-long situation (i.e., bi-polar), this diagnosis/treatment plan will be very beneficial in your determination as to whether or not you/your family can meet these needs and from that point you make your decisions. Remember this is a pre-adoption placement and you may be able to be an important part of his life - even if you cannot finalize the "adoption" legally. Take one day at a time and be supportive of him, careful not to make any long term promises that his situation may not allow you to keep and know that the few short weeks you had and as I always say "the courage it takes to love comes from those who reach for help" will make a difference always to be felt by him. If you do proceed, be honest with yourself and his caseworker as to what he will need so those services can be incorporated into any adoption assistance awarded. Know that if you decide, especially as a single parent, that if his needs seem to be more than you can handle that too is ok and its not your fault and it takes even more courage to love by letting him go ... to a family or even a facility that can ... keeping him and not being able to can be just as detrimental to his success and future just to keep him. Hope these words have helped and please - post - many here have encountered these decisions - some whose children have returned and some whose have not and we do understand and we do care!

To AMarylandFamily: Thank you for the response. I don't feel like a minute goes by that I do not have this on my mind. I never saw this behavior coming and all of my support people are trying to give me all kinds of advice. The best advice I can get is from people that know first hand what I am going through. I do not have a crystal ball and I have no idea what the future holds. I will try my best so that at least I can say I did the best I was capable of doing. I agree that I may not be suited to handle his needs. Is your child still in residential? Thanks

I am glad to be able to support you ... as I said until you have experienced all these feelings ... including the relief of assistance after an "episode" you do not understand and having been there and done this, I/we do. Our child was placed with us at age 11 (after 5 months of regular visits) - diagnosed ADHD only - but had been in constant therapy and determined ready for adoption. The first six to eight months were super - great strides made in all areas - maturity, schooling, etc. only to be followed by what seemed like a slow but realistically rather fast regression into paranoia and eventually suicidal attempts and attempts to hurt the members of our family. Hospitalization led to referral to RTC (where he has been for 15 months with little or no consistent progress) which has now determined that this child will only repeat these behaviors if he returns to us but is now ready to step down into a treatment care home ... which required us to return 'care and custody' to the state (Medicaid pays for RTC but not foster care environments unless you are under DSS custody) so that is where we stand. This child (now 14) recently had a potential family decline his placement after several visits and determination they topo could not meet his 24/7 montioring needs (which helped us in some ways understand it wasn't just us but is very saddening at the same time). We have participated in regular therapy making sure the only promise we make is to support his treatment plan and goals and to always be here if he needs to talk. That may sound simplistic but is not - stablity without unreal expectations (thank you great therapist he has!). So ... as I said - one day at a time and what is meant to be will be - do not let anyone force you too quickly (sometimes DSS/state agencies want to finalize even faster if needs are escalated so they have a home for the child) ... remember as said the courage to love is the courage to know when to hold on and when to let go. I follow this board regularly - some days several times - other days none but will surely be glad to watch for your posts/questions (especially when you get about 20 days into the 45 day program and you become active in the discharge plan (which whether 10 or 100 days away) becomes priority. It does help just knowing that you are not the first, nor the last, nor alone! Again - hope this helps!

Thank you for your support! I will just try and take one day at a time.

I have adopted 5 of my foster children. My daugher is 6 years old; she was placed with us at the age of 2 1/2. She had some of the worst tantrums I've ever seen in a 2 year old - within 6 months they escalated into 2-3 hour daily rages. Initially the worst rages occured after sib visits (2 of her sisters ended up with acute psychiatric admissions following the last visit). It is my experience that regardless of the trigger, these rages are a significant symptom of a serious problem. You did not say anything about your son's history, but I'm guessing that is was quite chaotic and traumatic. My daughter has a wonderful child psychiatrist and is on medication and a very strict behavior management plan. There are still days when her temper tantrums grow into unbelievable rages that require us to physically restrain her for her own safety (she doesn't intentionally try to harm herself - but has done so because she becomes completely detached from her environment by the end of a rage). There are days when I question whether or not we did the "right" thing by adopting her. The answer is always YES! She is my daughter and I love her unconditionally. She now has the diagnoses of ADHD, ODD, RAD and PTSD. She is in a self-contained classroom for emotionally impaired children and is doing very well academically. I am quite certain that a psychiatric admission is in the not so distant future and that she may eventually need to be placed in some type of residential treatment setting. And while I agree with the "one day at a time" approach - you may find that you need to take things one hour at a time (or even one minute at a time). With that being said - I have a loving partner who is very dedicated to our children. I had to quit my nursing job in order to stay home with the children. I cannot find anyone (even most family) to babysit my daugher - she cannot attend a regular day care or summer day camp. I was being called home from work on a regular basis to "deal with" my daughter. I still get infrequent calls from the school because of her behaviors. I'm not sure that I could deal with all of this if I were a single parent. You will have to look to your heart AND your head to make this decision. If you do chose to adopt - remember that love is important, but does not conquer all. It is a long, difficult road that may or may not become any easier. If you decide not to, you must know that you made the right decision at the time and forgive yourself - as guilt feelings seem to be a part of these heart-wrenching decisions. I wish you much luck and peace in whatever decision you make. Rhonda