What to do when DH won't PRAY about it??

Elaine ~ I have thought about having a heart to heart with my DH because I am so angry with him right now and it is hurting our marriage:( . I want to be open and honest with him and I want to let him know just how let down I am that he hasn't kept his promise to me. How am I suppose to trust him? How am I suppose to honor his priesthood and his relationship with the Lord when he doesn't ask HIM what to do? I have thought of putting it this way, let me know what you think? I will tell him: "I just want to tell you exactly why I am so angry and upset and then I won't say anything more about it and I will put my anger aside. I feel let down and decieved. You made a promise to me in January that you were not ready to have a baby but that you would agree to put our paper work in and leave the rest up to the Lord. You said that when we were choosen, the Lord would make you ready to be a dad. That is why I am so upset, because I feel like you just told me what I wanted to hear so I would drop it. I am not mad about you not being ready to have a baby, all I want from you is for you to keep your promise and ask the Lord to help you be more comfortable with having a baby and asking him to help you be ready when the time comes." Does that sound okay, because it is exactly how I feel. I just don't want him to feel scolded or be-littled. Thanks in advance for your advise!!

Hi Daisha, I think that if this is causing a rift in your marriage you need to talk about it! I left it so long, and I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache had I shared exactly what I was feeling with my husband sooner than just a year ago! I think partly I didn't realize where my anger stemmed from. Then one day my Mom said, "Why are you so mad at Sean Elaine?" That made me stop and think. Part of me feel like it was a process I needed to go through, and that bringing it up in the middle of it I would have been unreasonable and put all the blame on him. Another part of me thinks that it's better to deal with hard feelings when you're having them so that they don't fester and grow and then you're left wondering what they heck is good at all about your mate. I don't have the answers, but the thought of sharing how YOU are feeling and taking the "blame" (so to speak) for those feelings would be one unthreatening way of talking to your hubby. I think that infertility and all the stuff that comes with it leaves both partners feeling vulnerable and guilty sometimes and ultimately we are responsible for our own feelings and have to work through them. Does this make any sense? I guess what I'm feeling inside right now is that Sean wasn't responsible for my pain. He wasn't as driven as I was in getting our family, and I took that personally, but he was just dealing with his feelings the way he knew best. I can't expect him to be like me....otherwise we'd have 20 kids by now! I think there has to be a balance, and maybe for you and your DH that balance is that you come to somewhere in the middle......you can try to sit tight while he works through his feelings....and he can be more actively involved in the getting ready process by praying, like he said he would, and listening to how you feel. I think that as he hears about the pain your empty arms causes you, he'll want to help you through that in his own way, which will hopefully and eventually mean taking a very scary step and getting your homestudy started. I think it's all about trying to understand eachother and where in the process you each are.... I hope that wasn't just a bunch of nothing! It makes sense in my mind! I wish I could have lived it 4 or 5 years ago! :) Hugs,

Elaine ~ You have no idea how much you have helped me these last couple of days. There is nothing like talking to someone who has been where I am right now. I know that these feelings are my feelings and I cannot expect him to feel the same way as I do and I can't expect him to have the same longing for a child that I have. I am just going to have to keep praying that things will swing my way and that it will be good for BOTH of us. I am still going to let him know how I am feeling because I need to be open and honest with him. There needs to be NO secrets of feelings. If he still feels like he needs to break his promise to me then I will just have to deal with that and learn how to trust his word again. It will take time, but we are suppose to be an eternal family and nothing can change that. There are only two things that would jeopordize that and he would never cheat on me or beat me up (if he ever did, I would be shocked). I am just saying that those things are "real" reasons to be concerned about our marriage being in trouble. Sometimes I feel like I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion, but these are my feelings. I will let him know how I feel and let him know that I will do my best to be patient, but he will know that it will not be easy for me. Thanks again for your help. It has been priceless!!

Daisha - Hello! :) I just saw your thread today. It looks like Elaine has given you some fabulous advice. I just wanted to echo that I thought talking to your Bishop was a great idea. He can give you all kinds of guidance & that being open with your dh is the best thing! Hope you're feeling better soon. (((HUGS))))

Thanks Camille!!! I really appreciate it!! P.S. I love your website. If you don't mind me asking, how much did it cost to put that together. I may be interested in doing something similar??!!

Daisha - I don't mind you asking at all! It didn't cost a thing because I made it myself :D We have free webspace at the school where my dh is still taking classes so that was good too! It took me about two days to make. I know there are places where you can have those made though. If you look at the parentprofiles.com run by this forum you can get an idea of pricing. :) If you have anymore questions about it just let me know!

Daisha, I'm SO glad that something I've said has helped, if anything, just helped you feel not so alone! That makes everything harder! I think that you're doing everything that you can...and things will work out in His time. You're right - being an eternal family is the goal, and these trials can be cement in your relationship. I wouldn't say you're blowing it out of proportion. This is HUGE, it is life changing and it's the way us women have been "wired" right? Your feelings are normal and OK! You'll be in my prayers!

Camille ~ Thank you for the info, I will have to check it out.!! Elaine ~ Thank you for all your help. I have been praying and praying and pondering and pondering and most of that has been asking the Lord to help my hubby to keep his promise to me but if he couldn't then I needed help to get rid of my anger towards him and be more accepting and patient. Well, I am feeling a lot more calm and at peace now. This is not what I was hoping for but I feel better to not have so much anger in me towards my husband. The last few days I would look at him and just want to beat something up. Not the best feelings to have towards your husband huh?:confused: . I guess the Lord is just helping me right now be more patient because I don't see DH changing his mind anytime soon. I am at peace, but I am still not "happy" with everything in my life and I won't be until we can become parents. DH knows this. I will just let thing settle for a while and bring up making an adoption plan in a couple of months!! I will pray for you and your family. Please pray for me!! Thanks again for everything!

Hey Daisha! So glad you're feeling some peace. It comes in waves I think! This is funny to me now, but at the time it wasn't but I had to share because of something you said in your last post. <<<<<The last few days I would look at him and just want to beat something up. Not the best feelings to have towards your husband huh<<<<<<< I used to have dreams that I was just pummeling DH.....I mean, trying with all my might to "knock" some sense into him because I was so hurt and angry. Duh! You'd think I'd have a CLUE as to WHY I'd have those dreams!!! Go figure......I'd always be sobbing and when I woke up I was exhausted and I'd tell him about it and he'd be so sad that he was a jerk to me in my dreams....but we never connected the dreams to my real-life feelings of anger toward him! We laugh at that now, but it's funny how that happened! Hang in there.......and we're here if you need support!

Dreams can be a powerful thing of how we feel sub-conciously huh?? DH had a dream once that a monkey gave up her baby for us to raise, but the baby was human???!!! We have yet to figure that one out. I know that he knows how important having kids is to me because in the dream, he cried when he brought the baby to me and told me that I was finally a mom!!! Interesting HUH??!!:D :D

Daisha, I tried to find an old post from a support group I once belonged to. I thought I had saved it but must have deleted it when I got a new computer. Anyway, it compared the feelings of a woman when faced with infertility to the feelings a man might have if faced with not being able to have the priesthood, even if he were worthy. The unfulfilled expectations, the sense of unfairness, not being blessed with a righteous desire that we were taught to expect from childhood, etc. I'll keep searching for it because it was written so well. Perhaps if you can show that analogy to your dh, it will help him understand where you are coming from a little better? Another thought I had was that even if he says he's not ready to adopt or whatever, getting the paperwork from the agency doesn't mean that a baby will be dropped off with it. You have as much time as you need to do it. Some people get everything in within weeks and others take months. We actually found the questionnaire that you have to fill out quite therapeutic in helping us understand our feelings and motives and how we really felt about adoption. You could use those questions as a springboard for discussions with your dh. You could also find out if you and dh could be invited to FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) functions without turning in your initial application and fee, just to have access to a large group of adoptive families and get to talk to them and ask them questions.

ctrcar ~ I would really be interested in hearing that analogy if you are able to find it!! I am trying to get my DH to at least do the paper work. I even told him that we could get the paper work and such done and have our completed file on hold until he is ready, if he is not ready by that time. We have the money for the initial paper work and classes. He hasn't shown any interest at all in doing that though. I will let things calm a bit and then try again with him. Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate all the support that I have found here and especially talking to people who have been there and have the religious foundation that I have. It is very refreshing.:D

Hi, know exactly how you are feeling. I have wanted children my whole life, and my DH knew that when we dated, got engaged and got married. Then whenever I would bring up the subject of children, he would A. ROLL HIS EYES AT ME. B. SIGH!!! C. OR GET ANGRY AND TELL ME HE WASN'T READY. I recently took him aside and told him that I loved him, and that if I could help him get the greatest desire of his heart, I would do whatever it would take to get it for him. I asked him why he felt that he could keep me from gaining my greatest desire. I also told him, that I could stand it if we discovered that we would never conceive a child. I could stand it if no'one ever chose us to be parents to their child. I could stand it if the Lord said no, but I couldn't stand it if HE, the man i gave my heart to, stood in my way of having a child. He really looked at me for the first time and realised how much i was hurting. He is still afraid. Mostly of the financial burden of a family, but we recently met with some birth parents and though it didn't work out for us,{ We decided to say no. } He felt some grief and pain that this wasn't our child. And has agree'd to continue to pursue OUR dream of a family. He is still not where I am, but he is catching up. Be patient, and remember you love him. Also... do you want to give your child the gift of a father who truely wanted and desired him, or someone who resented YOUR decision? He will eventually be ready too. Keep praying, and maybe he will be ready before you know it.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. It has truly been great advise and counsel!! I just wanted to update everyone and let you know that we had it out this weekend. Which was a very good thing. I told him that I felt betrayed because he was breaking a promise and not because he was not ready. He assured me that he intends on keeping his promise but that "feeling settled" does not mean to him what it means to me. He says that when we get comfortable financially again (being in the new house just a month, we have not pain a payment yet). He said that he wants to get back into the swing of things and cement a plan on how to pay for the adoption. All reasonable things. He promised me that it should be no more than 6 months before we have anything in order. I still think that is too long, but even he says that it may be sooner. Thanks again for everyone. Please keep us in your prayers that we will be able to add to our family soon. I will do the same for all of you!!

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I were married for years before he felt "ready" I wanted to have a family within months of our marriage. I would get so frustrated every time he would tell me he wasn't "ready." I felt betrayed, etc. However, after several years he finally came around. We started doing the infertility route and ended up going through a lot of different procedures. During the course of our infertility I remember thinking how happy I was that I had never pushed him into the family. He had surgery, went through some humiliating things, etc. If he had not been completely ready I fear we never would have had children. After the infertility didn't work out. My husband oddly enough was ready to adopt before I was. I couldn't get past the idea of not birthing a child. However, one night I had a dream/vision, whatever. There was a little boy sitting behind a desk. he looked soooo sad! He looked up and saw me. When he did, it was as if he recognized me and was incredibly excited to see me. At this moment I knew we were to adopt. I realized that there was a waiting soul. I told my husband that we should adopt and he said, "I know, I have been waiting for you to come to terms with this." This gave me great insight into the patient, loving man that I had married. I had been hounding him for years about starting a family and when it came time for him to harrass me...he patiently waited! Have faith, it is incredibly important that he come to terms with parenthood on his own time! I do understand that sometimes it is hard to be patient. We waited so long to have children I figured the lord was trying to teach me patience. My problem was...I didn't want to be patient! LOL! Best of luck to you, Christa