Visits with bparents, does this make you feel bad

I've certainly felt what you feel. I did feel it more initially, but visits do usually bring it up. Open adoption is hard at times, but I agree, it is worth it. Our birthmother was very sure she made the right decision until she went home to live with her family, who were against the adoption and made her feel guilty (she do do some unhelpful things, like not telling them about the adoption until she got home -- her mom was expecting her to get off the plane with the baby). So that brought up some stuff for us. I think the saddest I felt was that my happiest moment, bringing our son home, was her saddest, seeing her and the birthfather walk down the hospital hallway, the picture of dejection. Since then she's had our son's brother and been able to parent him, which is healing, but also brought up other issues (her mom made her feel bad the boys wouldn't grow up together). I think you just have to go through it each time it comes up and remind yourself why you're doing this -- for your child's sake. Hang in there!

AMom2two I am not in an open adoption with my son's birthmom, but do send annually a letter and about a dozen photos to my agency. I have felt the guilt as well, sometimes it's around his bday, sometimes it's just when he is being just so darn wonderful, I can't believe I have such a great honor. I also remember the feeling of our greatest joy was her worst nightmare. Don't know if it has helped, but i think those feelings can be around even if it's not an open situation. I imagine having it right in front of you would make it even more difficult. Many of us just feel so blessed. Bumpkin

We have two children both who came to our family through open adoption. We have "wide" open adoptions with both childrens' birth families and extended families. We are also in the process of awaiting the birth of our third child through a "wide" open adoption (just so you know we've got some experience with open adoption). Personally, I have never had a single moment of guilt with any of our birth family members. And I am quite serious, not a moment of guilt. Maybe it's the way that we look at things that is different. The way we view things, our children each have two sets of parents. Both have birth parents who love the child they gave birth to. And they have us, their chosen mommy and daddy who love them. It's not a competition. We are thrilled and thankful to have each member of our childrens' birth families as a part of our family! The other thing is that we completely recognize and acknowledge that basically, "adoption = pain". There is pain for all members of the adoption triad... different pain, but pain none-the-less. That's a fact... in a perfect world, children would only ever be born when everyone involved was completely ready to parent or there would be no tragedies within birth families which cause them not to be able to parent... and so adoption would not exist. The fact is that adoption has been a part of human experience for a very long time, and we face the fact that we each have pain to experience, work through and find a way to live with. Contact doesn't need to be a guilt-fest. Of course your child's birth parents feel pain when they see their child. It's easy to imagine how much they love her and wish things could have been different. At the same time, what a blessing for them, for that child and for you that they are willing to face that pain in order to create and maintain a relationship which will show your child and theirs how loved she is. I truly hope that you don't believe the contact in your adoption experience is a problem, I don't see that at all. We have completely wide open adoptions with our childrens' birth parents, birth grandparents, birth aunts and uncles, birth cousins... you get the idea I am sure. Initially of course our connection was created surrounding the child(ren), but it didn't take long for our relationships to grow into fully encompassing family relationships completely independent of the child(ren). Does that mean that there is no pain... absolutely not. What it does mean though is that through the pain, we can support each other as we would any family member who is experiencing pain. We can't always relate by experience, but we can support by our words and actions. Do you have someone elses child. Yes you do. That's just a matter of fact. It's not good, it's not bad... it's just a fact when looked at from a very basic level. You need to accept the blessing you have been entrusted with, your daughter, and get rid of the guilt. If you went through an adoption where consents by the birth parents were given... what did you do to earn guilt? You didn't force them to choose you did you? You didn't coerce them? Hopefully, the birth parents of your daughter had the ability to truly consider parenting her and were counseled deeply about that. From there, when they chose adoption, and they chose you, it was because they felt that it was what was best for their much loved daughter. They were creating a family for the child that they love which felt more like what they wanted for her than what they could provide. Be open, be compassionate, be loving and understanding... but lose the guilt because if anything it is going to create walls that don't need to be there!

Thank you everyone for your replies. They were so helpful! Bumpkin, I never looked at it the way you described it with not having visits and still feeling guilt. I can see now that you may have it either way, thu on a different level. Thanks for sharing that! Maybe the word guilt is not quite the right word to describe the feeling. Maybe I shouldn't ask him some hard questions like "how are doing?" "is this getting any easier for you","is Father's Day hard on you"? Now on Father's Day I'm going to be thinking about him sitting alone and feeling blue. I know it is a tough day for him. I can't help but have feelings for what he is going thru. We have asked to him to come for more visits, maybe that will help. He said he would come to our home this summer. I hope he does, maybe then it will become easier. He said his greatest fear is that she will hate him for this. I told him that won't be so. That hate has to be breed in the environment for it to grow. That won't happen here. Maybe after he has that fear gone from him, it won't be so painful for him; at least I hope so. Thanks again for your time and your advice. I agree, the guilt needs to go! Hugs,

I can honestly say that yes, I have had similar feelings, but I refocus and rmember our reasons for pursuing an open adopiton in the first place. It was to erase the unknowns of past closed adoptions and to provide our son with the answers he wants if and when he wants them. I'm probably expanding my answer beyond your original question here, but I have told our b-mom that our son will always make the decisions regarding visits when he is old enough to do so. I will NEVER force a visit upon him if he changes his mind or decides upfront he does not want a visit. AS we all know this is HIS story and his alone. We need to to make those decisions now due to his age and also so that we keep the lines of communication open. I also have many pictures and letters from his b-mom. Even though I keep praying that thingss change for her, our son's b-mom is having a tough time getting her life together which helps to erase the guilt when it does come up, too. I think it would be more difficult in the case of a b-parent who was living a functional life. God Bless!

you wrote..."Even though I keep praying that thingss change for her, our son's b-mom is having a tough time getting her life together which helps to erase the guilt when it does come up, too. I think it would be more difficult in the case of a b-parent who was living a functional life. " You touched on something that I haven't shared with many. You said your son's bmom is having a tough time getting her life together. That is what happened to our daughter's bmom also. In fact, she went thru post pardum depression which lead to another type of behavior in which she is working on getting herself better. Instead of feeling like she did the best thing then, I kindof feel like this pushed her over the edge and lead her down another whole different path of heartache that prevented her from getting her life together.

GREAT thread going here!!!I really liked everything everyone had to say, very insightful and so much of what I read was so familiar and very true. I particularly agreed with the following: I can honestly say that yes, I have had similar feelings, but I refocus and rmember our reasons for pursuing an open adopiton in the first place. It was to erase the unknowns of past closed adoptions and to provide our son with the answers he wants if and when he wants them Maybe I shouldn't ask him some hard questions like "how are doing?" "is this getting any easier for you","is Father's Day hard on you"? Now on Father's Day I'm going to be thinking about him sitting alone and feeling blue. I know it is a tough day for him. I can't help but have feelings for what he is going thru. Yeah, that is probably not a good idea. I mean, I know it would make me feel uncomfortable if I were in his shoes. In turn, it has you feeling his guilt. Then again, if you want to ask these questions ask... but be prepared that it may come back to bother you later. Ya know? I totally agree here: He said his greatest fear is that she will hate him for this. I told him that won't be so. That hate has to be breed in the environment for it to grow. That won't happen here. Maybe after he has that fear gone from him, it won't be so painful for him; at least I hope so. I hope so too. My sons aparents reassured me of the same thing you were talking about; they said it all has to do w/ how they view me and that is positive so he will see/hear only postive. which is so nice to know. I mean of course things come up...which may be somewhat negative, but so far so good and he is six. Oh how very true!! --That's a fact... in a perfect world, children would only ever be born when everyone involved was completely ready to parent or there would be no tragedies within birth families which cause them not to be able to parent... and so adoption would not exist. When you look at it that way it brings a whole 'nother perspective, doesn't it? See, everything does happen for a reason and God turns things around into blessings. The fact is that adoption has been a part of human experience for a very long time, and we face the fact that we each have pain to experience, work through and find a way to live with. Well said, Makareina. I really liked all you had to say. "At the same time, what a blessing for them, for that child and for you that they are willing to face that pain in order to create and maintain a relationship which will show your child and theirs how loved she is." RIGHT ON!!! So very true! I love the way you express yourself... my words tend to get all jumbled. Oh! amen to this Makareina: They were creating a family for the child that they love which felt more like what they wanted for her than what they could provide. Be open, be compassionate, be loving and understanding... but lose the guilt because if anything it is going to create walls that don't need to be there! amom2two: Just curious ... have you heard from the bdad recently or do you have plans to see him again soon? when you do, I'd love to hear how it goes.