Where to I fit?

I have done enough research to know that there are very few mothers that were coerced in the fashion I was in the years between 1980- to now. The coersion tactics used to secure my son were simular to ones used through the 50's to 70's. I try to associate my adoption story to those that have children the same age as mine, but I cant. When I associate my adoption story with those of the 50's to 70's I am at a loss, mostly due to age difference/ beliefs. In reading or doing research about adoption I am told that adoptions were not handled in the fashion my sons was, which leaves me feeling doubtful of my own memories, and confuses my sense of being. My son was born in a small rural town with a population of 9,000. With many smaller towns, there the majority of the population was/is "behind the times" in the way they think/act. I am frustrated beyond belief at the reasonings behind my sons adoption. In 1986 open adoptions were available, I struggle to understand why this was not offered to me, I struggle to understand why I was not asked my opinion, nor was I given or even offered councilling. From my research in adoption I am one of the few that never filled out the live birth record. In the 80's the majority of hospitals understood and even supported the mother holding her baby, even caring for him/her in the hospital, yet the one time I did ask to see my son I was told "it was best never to see my son again". To top it off when I did wake up after delivery I was at the other end of the hospital. Why? I left the hospital unsure if I even had a baby, I was told my baby was a boy...but up to the time I found him I was unsure. I recall laying in my hospital bed afraid to move or even to talk, I was made to feel as if I did a horrible wrong, that I was a bad girl for having this baby. In reference to the hospitals "stupidity on adoption" for such a small population there was a phenominal amount of children adopted out, so the way my sons adoption was handled cannot be surmised as ignorance.when I left the hospital I was completely numb and devoid of all emotions and feelings, I truly felt that I was bad and this is why I was not allowed to see my son. This didnt happen in the year 1988. Adoption was based on the expectant mothers decision. This is how my son and his parents view his adoption, why would they think anything different, this is how it was done in that year. In the past four years since I recovered my suppressed memories of his birth and subsequent adoption I have healed, but there is a aura of surrealness surrounding the concept of his adoption and how it was handled. To be honest I just dont know how to get passed this part. I have been through denial, bitterness and anger and have come to an understanding that I will never see my baby, that I will never have the joy of mothering him. I am okay with this...most days. I would love to find another with a story simular to mine, I believe it would help emensely with the confusion I am experiencing. Hugs Melissa