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I need some advice! I have been sending a letter and pictures to our son's birthfather 3 times a year: Christmas, Father's Day, and his birthday (the birthfather's). The only time he contacted us was at the very beginning; he sent a letter asking for money! We did send the $ (only $75 and it was after termination of parental rights) BUT we also sent a letter stating that our financial responsibility was to our son. We were polite, but firm. SInce then, he's never written or responded in any way. He broke up with our son's birthmother soon after, although she was pregnant at the time with their second child whom she is parenting. We keep in touch with her regularly; call every other month, letters, cards, pictures, and presents at holiday times, etc. She's not very good at keeping in touch, but is always glad to hear from us and does call once in a great while. Here's my dilemma: I spoke with her yesterday, and she said she found out the birthfather had moved back to the state she's living in (we'd adopted from another state where they were living at the time) but had made no effort to contact her (he's never even seen his second son), which was fine with her. Should I keep sending him a letter and pictures if he's not at the address I'm sending them to? The address is at his mother's; I've never had one returned or anything. BUT his mother was not supportive of the open part of the adoption; both she and her daughter had placed a child for adoption at one time. She made a comment to the SW that she didn't agree with seeing the baby and keeping in touch, that wasn't how she had done it. Also, there was a secrecy issue; her husband, the birthfather's stepfather, didn't know about the pregancy or adoption because he was a hard core bigot and the birthmother is AA and CC (she was hiding at their house for months before they went to an agency for help!). But he said it was okay to send things to that address. So if he's in another state, should I continue to send them? I don't even know if they're being looked at or thrown in the trash! On the one hand, regardless about our feelings toward the birthfather -- he's been in trouble with the law and pulled some things during the adoption process -- he IS our son's birthfather and I feel a committment to keep sending the letter and pictures. Someday our son may want to contact him, although I don't know how his birthfather would feel about that -- he seems to share some of his mother's idea about the openness. To be honest, I have at times regretted giving him our address; we quit sending through the agency because the birthparents complained things were taking so long to get to them, and we figured, "Well, it IS an OPEN adoption." He's just unscrupulous enough to make me wish he didn't know where to reach us, although since he knows our names, it wouldn't be that hard to find us, I guess. So I guess, part of me would like to not keep in touch! Thanks for your input!
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Honestly, unless you have a legally binding agreement (which most states won't even allow), I think you have gone out of your way to try to maintain contact with this bfather. We are just starting an open adoption (from foster care) ourselves, and hope that with time the bfather will fade mostly out of the picture. Sending $ is way too much in my opinion! It's obvious that this bfather doesn't have your child's best interest at heart and do you really want to expose your child to that? We have agreed to maintain contact with our daughter's bfather because we believe that it is in her best interest to have those ties when she is older and to know that they love her. However, at this point he IS acting as though he does love her! He (or his mother anyway) contacts us, he makes the effort to visit us, we don't do it -- we allow it. If at any time in the future it becomes a possibly negative thing for her, it is our responsibility as her parents to closely monitor or discontinue contact all together. I know how hard it is to know how to handle these types of things, but I think that you have done all that you should to try to keep this bfather in your son's life. Focus your attention on giving him a safe and stable home with you, and keep the information you do have on his bfather to give to him sometime in the future if he wants it.
Good luck!
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I disagree with MommyRagan. Keep sending them.
First, you have no idea the impact of your communications. He and his family might get great joy from them, just not express it for whatever their reasons. I can't tell you how many times I see posts from birth parents on this board saying 'I know I don't respond when they send things and I feel bad but it's so hard to do. I don't want them to cut off though because I love the pictures and seeing our child doing so well."
Second, you made a commitment to your child to maintain these relationships to the best of your ability. To cut off simply because you got no response would be breaking that commitment.
He and his family are not endangering you or your child physically or emotionally, they're just not sending anything back. That to me is not a reason to close a connection.
Remember, as parents in open adoptions, we are the guardians of our children's relationships with all their family birth and adoptive. Once your child is old enough to decide whether they want to have a continued relationship, then you hand responsibility over to them and are done.
IMHO,
Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas
I knew that was going to come back, and probably shouldn't have said it, you're right it wasn't nice. It's not that we want him to "fade out" completely, we do want our daughter to know that he loves her. It's just that right now he is having trouble letting go and wants to be more involved than we are comfortable with. Our adoption is through foster care, and he has been found unfit to parent, he has been in and out of jail several times, he is NOT a good role model, however, we do believe that he loves her. We are willing to maintain contact for our daughter's best interest -- not his, and are trying to be very cautious about how we do that. If this had been a typical domestic adoption where the parents relinquish in hopes of giving their child a better life, we would probably feel quite differently. Sorry if I offended anybody -- not my intention at all. I still feel that it is in the child's best interest to protect them from anything negative that might come from being in contact with a birth family -- or anybody for that matter. We ARE the guardians of their relationships, and therefore it is our job to protect them from bad relationships. Wlbooklady sounds as if she thinks that this bfather may not even want to have contact with her son when he is older, and the information she gave about the people at the address she is sending things to doesn't sound like they want to be involved. From what I have heard about so many adopted children feeling abandoned or rejected, I would be very careful to not let that "wound" be reopened by a non-supportive birth father. I suppose it wouldn't hurt for her to continue to send things to the bfather without her son knowing, but the whole idea behind open adoption is to maintain contact for the CHILD's best interest. I feel that for an open adoption to be beneficial to the child, the bparents need to make an effort too.
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Hi everyone, I believe in keeping commitments also. If it works for you to send something, and that is what you agreed to or want to do, then do it, no matter what the response or lack of. I usually sent something once a year instead of 3 times. I also made a copy of it to keep a record for my kids.
In our case the birth parents moved so we sometimes had to wait until we heard from them again to send photos. It took my son's birthparents 10 years to become stable enough to maintain a relationship. We were told to not allow contact with the paternal grandmother but she called and wrote enough to develop trust and he did have a relationship with her while her son was not there. She is dead now and my son has those good memories of her. He also understands why they could not parent him. Sometimes we waited 1-2 years to hear from these people but we still did our part to maintain the connection and it has paid off.
Our daughter's birthparents, or at least the father's side, were interfering in our attachment and family life so we had to limit the contact while maintaining what we could deal with. She will have more contact with them when she grows up and we hope she will handle it well. Her birthdad wrote some letters that we felt were not good thinking. He had all the excuses and everyone was to blame but him. We determined that it would not be good for her to have contact. Later he was killed and our daughter regrets not seeing him again. It is a hard one but we do our best and stand by our decisions.
We have a contact agreement with our third adoption and the other two families of the birth siblings, are not following up. I am tempted to quit but I will probably do at least yearly letters and photos. Good luck, you never know what the future will bring.