A Good Adoptive Parent is...

ibqfrmbklyn: So are you saying that people who were fortunate to be raised in a loving and caring home can't raise a child in a loving and caring way? My DH & I are looking to adopt a newborn. How are we not capable of raising a child?

I feel that a good adoptive parent is one that has all the love to give to a child that may come from unusal circumstances (rape, health issues, abusive families, drug or alcohol addicted babies). I also feel that when the time is correct the child should be aware of the adoption. There is another "family" out there and there are half a million questions that we all go thru. Because a parent is not "able" to care for a child does not mean 20 years down the road they may not want to know about this precious child. I was told at a very early age (4) and that was because we were going to adopt my brother. I do not remember being told but I do believe that was a bit early and throughout school and growing up I had tons of "different" emotions. I am happily reunited with bfamily and afamily is VERY supportive of this.

I think a good adoptive parent is one who loves their child unconditionally and unselfishly. I think some parents adoptive or birth can get caught up in what they want for their child rather than what the child wants and needs. As long as you support your child in their interests, their triumphs, and their sorrow you will be a good adoptive parent. You don't need to have gone thru the same struggles or misfortune as your child to raise a happy healthy child. You may never understand exactly what it is that hurts them or totally get the pain they feel. It helps if you can empathize with their feelings but you don't have to sympathize with your child to help them. You do have to tell them you love them often, show them you love the way they need you to, and be open and honest with them at all times. Of course you should always give age appropriate answers and give them opportunities to ask questions about things they don't understand. As they get older elaborate on previous explanations you may have given them when they were too young to completely understand. Don't expect them to bring up the subject of adoption to you. I assure you they think about it more often than you know and could discuss it at length any time of the day if you let them. No matter how good you think your relationship is you must always strive to make it better. Don't wait for their cues that there is a problem! I think my parents waited my entire life for me to bring up the subject. They never did and neither did I. I am totally mixed up as a result of the lack of open communication. I had love, financial support, I love yous, hugs, kisses, protection and appreciate all that. Funny that the one thing that was missing (communication) was the one thing that still hurts my life to this day. Make sure you have faced all your own demons and want to adopt for the right reasons. Just like natural parents, there is no right or wrong way. Every child is different but they all need love and a feeling of safety that allows them to express love.

Mixedup: Your description of a good adoptive parent is an excellent definition of ANY parent! :) I think all of that is needed to raise a child, especially communication. I know that adopted children (especially those adopted at an older age) have special needs to know that they are loved and to feel wanted, but then again, don't all children need to know that they are loved and feel wanted??? Yes, I may be naive when it comes to adoption...we're just starting out on this road. But, I want our future child(ren) to know just how loved and wanted they are! Not just by us, but also by their birth parent(s) who made that all important, yet difficult, decision to find just the right home for them! Chiming in as a perspective adoptive parent, you've got to understand that after years of dealing with infertility and failure that many of us have, it's natural that your feelings are all about YOU! What YOU want, what YOU need, what YOU've lost! Knowing that through adoption, you could finally have the family that you've been dreaming of and praying for, your thoughts start turning to the BABY! Your possible child! Some adoptive parents could get stuck there...seeing adoption as the means to the end. But I think if they come to forums like this one, and not just stick in the adoptive parent one but start reading and interacting with the birthmothers and adoptees, their eyes and hearts can be opened further! Yes, after so many years of tests and poking and prodding and charting and testing and crying and praying, sometimes all of the "hoops" that a paparent has to go through seem excessive (if you don't look at the need to ensure a good home), but I'm starting to think that going through a class or meeting with birthmothers and adoptees should be manditory! So, getting back on subject (forgive my little soap box there :rolleyes: )...I agree that a good adoptive parent (any parent) will communicate with their child openly and honestly and not rely on the child to start the conversation...cause after all, who's the adult here?! Kat

Dear Kat, I think you are going to make a great mother! I like your idea of making classes or meetings for adopting parents mandatory. So much education on this topic is needed for all involved in the adoption triad. Adoption is a beautiful and compassionate process that for some reason people avoid talking about. Your openness and willingness and obvious desire to learn all three perspectives in the triad is going to prepare you for many of the potential problems that may arise. Some personal advise... Stay that way. Don't let any insecurities or feelings of loss come between you and your child. Instead allow those feelings to bring you closer and remind you how much it means to you to have the child you have always prayed for. For you or any other adopting parent please don't ever tell your child that you adopted them because you couldn't have a child of your own. I always felt sick when I heard that. It was supposed to make me feel loved but instead it made me feel like a second class citizen. I felt like I was adopted by default instead of choice. So however you explain why you adopted your child do it in a way that makes them feel like they were exactly what you wanted instead of the second choice (even if it is so). I recommend that you read "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Lifton if you haven't already. Best wishes! Christina

I'm sorry that your parents made you feel, if even for a moment, that you were a consolation prize. Parents (adults in general) can say some really dumb and hurtfull and scary things while trying to be loving and protective. All parents! I remember hearing my sister one time trying to tell her daughter about not running into the street...she said that if she ran into the street, "you'll get hit by a car and die and then mommy would be very sad"....at the time I thought "how mean!" to scare your child like that...now that I'm closer to being a parent, I want to find a way to talk to my child about scary things to let them know how important the subject is, but not to create nightmares and insecurities in them! Our kids have so many other bad things against them...Mom and Dad should be some of them! I don't know exactly how I will talk to my kids about adoption and how they came to be with us...I'm sure that I'll be doing alot of reading on the subject...but I want them to know that even before I saw their little faces, I fell in love with them and knew that they were an answer to many prayers! Though I know that adopted kids are "special" because, hopefully, they have even more people who loved them even before they were born, but I don't feel that they should be any better or any worse than a biological child! Ok...if truth be told, if I had to choose to make them one or the other in their eyes...they would have to be better. Parents forget the gentle souls that they are dealing with in children...it's our jobs to nurture those souls, not damage them any further than the world will! ok! You got me in a phylisophical moment!!! We're having our first home study meetings this Saturday, so I'm finding myself thinking about parenthood alot lately! Thank you for your kind words....Have you talked to your parents about the things they said and how it made you feel? I wonder if they even realize the implication of their words? Kat

I guess to start....In a prefect world all the children would have a home and loving parents,but we all know that's not the case. You don't need to go through pain to be good adoptive parents. I was blessed with wonderful parents and family members. I have a great husband and had three beautiful sons, now we are in the process of adopting a daughter and we are soooooo excited. It sadden me to read that the only way we can understand a child in the system is to have been through the pain. I think that God gives us exactly what we can handle and that if you are truly committed to adopting then you will do all if takes to make sure that you are prepared. I know what we are getting into and I'm ready for the good, the bad, and the new beginning! I hope everyone going through will stay strong and know that God is able!!! mzbrown1

If the expectation, or preference, was that adoptive parents of children in foster care should themselves have gone through trauma, abuse, foster care, adoption....there would be an AWFUL LOT more kids waiting for permanent homes than there are already! Yes, people who have gone through a similar experience may better empathize with the child, but they may also be more likely to have unresolved issues that could interefere with parenting. ANYONE who is interested in adopting and is qualified (and prepared), whether coming from a troubled or a privileged backgound, should be encouraged to provide a loving home to a child who needs one. Lynn

What makes a good adoptive parent? The same as any other parent. Honest and loving in ALL of their relationships.

Needs to understand that your adopted child is different from you...I went through a lot of issues with my mother b/c she is the exact opposite and I always wondered if I had been with my birth mother if it would have been easier, b/c maybe we shared personality traits with me, and would understand me more. My mom didn't get me and didn't try...she just thought I should be like her and didn't like it when I wasn't. We fought all the time and there were times I even said to her that my bio mom would probably understand me...of course she LOVED me saying that....haha...also, be understanding if your child shows interest in getting their records or wanting to search for their birth family. I know that is probably really really hard to do, but knowing where I came from is really important, at least to me, and esp now that I have a child of my own... I know most people say unconditional love and I totally agree, but there are other issues that adoptive parents have to be sensitive too as well....more psychological ones that will either start a war between you and your child, or bring you closer through support. Jen

I agree with Jen. I was very lucky; I have really great adoptive parents. I have 2 abrothers who are the biochildren of my aparants, so I'm the only adopted child. Generally I think what makes a good adoptive parent is what makes a good parent in general. However, as Jen said, there are some additional issues (or different issues) that come up with an adopted child. My parents are great parents, but the one thing they did not handle well was the adoption issue. They decided that I was no different than my brothers. They told me that I was adopted (at a very early age because I don't remember being told--I've just always known), but we could never talk about it. When I did have questions or feelings my parents wouldn't discuss it with me. They simply refused. Some of this was because they thought it would be better for me. But I think they tought that if we didn't talk about it, then it wouldn't be real and they didn't have to deal with the fact that I really had another family out there. Whatever their reasons, it was very hard on me. It forced me to deal with my feelings on my own. As I grew older it made me angry. Very angry. I felt like my parents denied the existence of a part of me--like they would not see who I really was (an adopted person) and only who they wanted me to be (their daugher and no one else's EVER). I know things are different now in the world of adoption. And I think adopting parents are more educated in the needs and feelings of their adopted children. So I'm probably not shedding any light here, but what I want to say, nevertheless, is that its important to recognize that an adopted child is not exactly the same as a biological one. Neither is better or worse, of course, but they are different. But different isn't bad; its okay to acknowledge the difference--especially if the child is asking for that acknowledgement. I guess one of the most important things any parent can do is to respect who your child is, and help him or her be the best that he or she can be. In the case of an adopted child, one of the things your child is, that is part of his or her identity, is adopted. Since it affects one's self perception, it is part of who the child is. Accept it; get to know it. Your child will appreciate this. Sorry, this ended up going on forever!

As an adoptive parent I thank you for starting this thread and I hope others keep it going. We have much that we can learn from you and what you say does matter. Christine~Thank you for the book recommendation.:) Judy

[FONT=Comic Sans MS] I think a good adoptive parent is simply a person who has volunteered to take care of a child who is in need of being loved. No strings attached. A good adoptive parent is someone who can accept that they did not have the same beginning as their new child--whether or not they "went through the system". A good adoptive parent is someone who will love a child no matter what happens. A good adoptive parent will look at their child and think "This is my baby. I love them with all my heart." A good adoptive parent will let their child know what they are thinking.[/FONT]

Honest. With the child, the birthparents, and themselves. From the get-go.

Hi, To some extent I agree with the starter of this thread.I'm not sure there is a perfect adoptive parent or a perfect birth parent either though. I'm adopted and adopting an older child.Because i have been reunited with my bfamily I feel very comfortable talking with my daughter about her losses, sadness, anger, etc over having to be removed from them.Fortunately I had worked through a lot of my adoption issues before adopting.Others did surface, or were revisited at a deeper level when she was placed with us and although empathy is very important I almost felt as if I was overempathising as I was constantly painfully aware of her dreadful loss.I worked through this and had support, but if I had not been able to do so I could have ended up depressed and not able to meet her needs, whereas a non adopted person might not have had this added stress in their relationship with their child.If a person has been abused but not dealt with it, they may not be able to help another abuse victim.If someone has been in foster care and has not made meaninful attachments they need to form these in order to learn how to attach to an adopted child with attachment problems. I think adoption triggers unresolved issues in each of us that we sometimes can't even predict until a child is placed with us.The challenge is will we face and resolve those issues so that we are in a secure place to help our children. Jude