disappointing reunion

Ladies Coleen first because I have been talking to you longer .She didn't shut that door ,she never said that she just has replied to my last email which was over a month ago.I have shut the door and in my own little way I'm nailing it shut everweek that goes by and I can deal with it easier.It sounds like you tried to move heaven and earth to try to keep your daughter and it stinks that ,the adoption was done with out your say so.Read through this forum it sounds like its quite common.I suppose all you can do is build on what ever relationship you can develop now and try not to beat yourself up over what happened all those years ago.It might even be blotting your brain when your talking to her.I'm sure all your daughters are as pretty as there Mother anyway,lol. Scarlett I agree with"ANYONE THAT STANDS A CHANCE OF GETTING HURT OR HAS BEEN HURT HAS A RIGHT TO GET OR BE UPSET!".Its just how we deal with it I suppose .I have loads of b-siblings never met them talked to them probably never will(not interested).I see your point as only child its hard growing up as an only child .Although I wasn't close with my abrother as a kid he was always there and we did play and fight all the usual stuff. Also if people want to do drugs it nearly impossible to stop them lots of my friends have gone down path but most of them are clean now .They just dipped off the rails for a while. Bunny same advice as Coleen try to build what ever is left but, I don't now what you would say to agrieve a rejection .I don't think it would be half the hill to climb if the b-mothers didn't have any other kids .I didn't say that to be nasty but I know when the personwho gave birth to me (she's nothing else)said "you have a sister she's 24 blah blah blah, you could have picked my chin off the floor .For five minutes after that my brains thinking what the hells goingon.By the way so as you know GMH is the three members of my family myself,my wife,my son .There are no other members to my family at the moment but I'm working on it. Remeber I'm just blurting girls.

GMH, You know what, we all are going to survive. Thats what it boils down to. I'm not going to roll over and play dead, just yet, and I have come to grips with my life up to this point, and GMH, I know you have too. I do not ever want you guys to think that I am not strong enough to deal with any of this adoption junk, I have dealt with it years ago, we all have, now its just a matter of blurting, good or bad. We really can not judge, our birthchildren, birthmothers, siblings, or each other, for that matter. We can only write to each other, on this forum, and hope that somebody on the other end of this vast network, can understand what we have to say. Mostly, I think its about being accepted by anybody. The lives, most of us have lived, has been a very secret one, not something you blurt out in everyday conversations, but here, we are given a freedom, to say everything we have been holding in for years. It's not new anger, it very old anger, we have just not ever been able to say anything to anyone, now we can, and it comes out in alot of different ways. It appears we are yelling at each other, when in reality, we are just yelling. Given freedom to speak our minds, we are doing just that. It's helped me alot, I can't speak for any of you, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can tell you guys, whatever I have felt, or feel, and nobody cares. It's great!!! We are so busy, dumping our own junk, that nobody really cares what you say. Its all about healing. I have my daughter back, my relationship with her, may not be the rosy little picture book idea, that I had thought it would be, but it is the same imperfect, love you anyway, relationship I have with all my children. Thats just how life is. I think we all just need each other, to sound off of, so that when the old anger creeps out, we have somewhere to go, where we can say anything, and be accepted for it. Like being a member of a secret club. We all have lives, but seldom do we speak of everyday things, because that's not what we are here for, now is it. We want to be free, and this is one of the only places I have ever found, that will allow me to be free. You guys, allow me to be free. Thats what it boils down to, we are inter-meshed , by a common pain. So do not keep explaining your blurts, I only yell, when I am cranky, and if that the case, I would yell if you said the sky was blue. Most of the time, I look forward to seeing I have notes, from any of you. I like to know, what you have to say, and if I can help, I will, but most of the time, the only thing I can give you is my attention, and all of you, have that. So, lets keep on blurting. Love, Colleen

I find this statement to be RUDE and ignorant. From BOTH the Adoptee and Bmom side.

Even though we did NOT raise our children we ARE still MOTHERS.

Just because a women has a baby and it passes away ...does that mean she is NOT a mother? I think not. I lost my son in 85 at 16 minutes old...I am STILL his MOTHER.

And we are NOT just the women who gave birth.

To say we are NOT mothers is insensitive.

I AM and ALWAYS will be MY daughters/sons MOTHER.

As will her amom. My mother will ALWAYS be MY MOM also.

People tend to think that all we did as Bmoms was get pregnant,have a child and place them with others to take care of them. Not true.

I parented my daughter for 13 months before placing her....so YES I AM MY daughters MOTHER and I always will be. Her amom is NOT less of a mother just because she did NOT give birth to her either.

As an adoptee I would NOT nor have I ever refered to my Mother as "the women who gave birth to me". She did more than that she tried to raise all 9 of us kids the best she could.She had no choice but to place us all.

So before you make such comments maybe you should put yourself in the Bmoms shoes...and than tell me what you would think if someone made that comment to you. Being a parent means sacrificing YOUR own wants and needs and putting your childs wants and needs before your own. Is that NOT what us Bmoms did. So to minimize us down to no more than "the women who gave birth to me"is insensitive and rude as I see it.

Bmoms deserve respect as well as anyone else..............

Renee, I think it is rude that you take one line out of a post, and jump on it without knowing the story behind it. If you care to read our whole thread from beginning to end, you might learn, that we are just a group of people, who are trying to resolve our feelings, you should not address just one line. Its not fair to the person who wrote it. I am sorry, even though I did not write this particular, line, that you were upset, by it. I also am a birthmom, and knowing the person, who wrote this, I took it in stride, because they were not talking about all birthmoms, just thier birthmom, who may or may not deserve it. Everybody has a story, and everybody has feeling, read the whole thred, if you are interested, otherwise, lighten up. Colleen

BBunny and Colleen: Your last posts are each right on the button for me - thanks I could not have written it better! GMH - Keep posting I want to know how adoptees feel. It's interesting that you are not interested in half-sib when a lot of other adoptees I've had contact with are very keen to establish relationships with sibs. Please explain further if you wish. Is it because the bmother seems really keen on talking on about the bsib? So you got an email from your bmother - what did she have to say? lol Banjo

Girls I'm not interested in my b-family one little bit know ,thats the way I have put my mind at getting and I'm just getting comfortable with that way of thinking after a months a searching then getting the two fingeres salute.I didn't get an email from my B-Mother so sorry if you get the wrong end of the stick.I read the previous post of mine it was a bit wrong the adoptee had a similar time to me got a birthday card after no contact for a while ,then he wrote on deceased and return to sender.Whilst I agree thats harsh it does allow him to get on with his life concentrate on things that are good in his life.Anything I have said adoption in her should bag the b-mother ,thats not want I get across its just no an option I would take even if the woman didn't want the baby I would take him/her into my care .Before you even go there you could not get a more demanding or difficult son than my 2 yr old,so already know how bad it gets. I think contact with B-sibs is just like seeing all the if's buts and maybe's slapped in my face and I don't really need that . Its not easy for me to turn my back and slamm the door but girls remeber I searched got the same ,and I don't know any of these people a couple of them meet when I was born but thats it. Oh just one other thing the contact I have had with B-family has proved them to be liars anyway ,Oh I'll call you back ,I consider you flesh and blood .Please if these people like my B-mothers quote I love you meant any of that stuff ,they would have got back to me right? So as I get the welding torch onto this door I sigh with great relief that I don't have to deal with these philistines.

GMH, I can't undertand why you wouldn't give a birth sib a chance. They had as much as you did to do with this adoption, NOTHING! Stop and think about this for a moment, if one of your half sibs contacted you and wanted to meet you, Would you honestly slam the door in there face and put them through the same hurt you are feeling now? Is that fair? Just because the Birthmom did it to you doesn't mean the sib is like this! This is like saying siblings are guilty by guilt by association! The sib is hurt and this time by YOU and is that really fair? I can understand an adoptee fearing rejection of a birthparent when you are searching but you must understand siblings of birthparents search too. We fear all the same things too. We fear rejection too. Anyone involved in searching fears the rejection factor. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I know it hurt and there is nothing that could hurt worse. But, don't let one bad experience ruin something that could be good and positive. Not everything and everyone is bad. I helped one of my best friends search for his mother, we found her and she didn't want anything to with him. He was devasted. He has 5 half brothers and a month later, she died of cancer. Right before she died she sent him a letter and said she didn't want him to see her like that, she didn't want anyone to see her like that and that she was sorry if she hurt him, but she had always loved him and hoped that he had always had a better life than she could have given him at the time she gave birth to him. She signed it, I love you and her name. I'm just blurting now, but this was one of those experiences when you live through it you Never forget. Just wanted to share it. God bless and good luck Terri

Terri They dont even now exsist so there want be any contact anyway. I had a call from the social worker who did a lot of the searching on my case last night and between the notes written at the time of the adoption and whats gone on now ,we have been able to work out the following only her parents and her brother even new she had me ,she does have a large family so my intro would create waves and hurt .Which I'm diffently not interested in doing I lost my A-Dad(cut me up 100 times over) this year I'm moving home soon ,then taking up apromotion not long after that at work all with a very demanding son .Now I have to way up whats important to me and how much I can cope with and I think I'm pretty near my limit if I was to starting cracking up or being affected by a birth familys anger to me or whatever came from a reunion from them ,that would affect my family now and I'm not going to let that happen. Thinkabout those people(b-family) they live on the other side of the world forming a relationship would be just e-pals and on the phone anyway .Lets just say all these people are great and we get on like a house on fire ,because of a nasty childhood I had that would be like a slap in the face with a wet fish.I don't think I will ever be able to understand from a birth families point of view I have tried and its still not working ,so call me an ignorant pig but I can't help it. Anyway I'm pretty sure b-mom will keep me secret so its not going to happen . I have agreeded with the social worker to get all my stuff done then at the end of the year I will send her an email , reflecting only that I would like medical info from my birth father even if she calls him and finds it out then lets me or the social worker know.She actually had written in her notes father "unaware of pregnancy".

FYI........I did read the whole thread..

Angel I sent you a PM.

GMH, Now this is the man we know, always so glum. Has anybody said that you have to unweld your door? I don't think so. You take everything so personal, Banjo, was just being friendly, you should know that by now. I know that the e-mail before hers, wasn't very nice, but we all have the right to ignore the bad ones, don't let them bother you so much. Those of us, who have been here the whole time, know your story and accept it. You don't have to explain to us. Remember the blurt theory? It still applies, we say what we feel, and we don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks. So, as far as I am concerned, shut your door, nail it shut tight, and never open it again, cause its thats what you want, what you think you should do, then it is alright with me. Talk to you later. Love, Colleen

Let them know, it wasn't the child that was rejected, it's usually, the circumstance and timing. It was in my case.

You got to understand that he doesn't want his A Mom to feel funny about all this . I would give him time.

JoJo, I am sorry that you are having this issue with your birthson. I am a 27 year old adoptee and I feel the same way he does. I hope you can understand this. I was adopted when i was a few days old. I have always known my adoptive parents to be my parents. I was always taught that your mom and dad and family are those who love you and take care of you, they are the ones that will be there everyday of my life to stand behind me. I have never had intentions of meeting my birth parents even though in my case it was not their decision to put me up for adoption. I too have just been interested in getting my medicals. In some way I do want to meet them just to see if someone else in this world looks like me or acts like me or if I have siblings. However, they will never be my family who has been with me the last 27 years. It is hard to grow a bond with a someone that has always been a stranger to you. Best of luck to you. Stephanie

I am a mental health and learning disability nurse and now completing my MSC in Advanced Practitce. I work with families and children on both sides. BUT I still dont have any answers (lol) every case is individual. I am also an adoptee who for the first time is trying to seek my birth family. Why I ask ? Im happy and have had a fantastic life with Aparents. My first thought was I required a medical and psychiatric history as I have children of my own. However my collegues who are psychiatrists and psychologists made me reflect on these thoughts. What happens if she wants more, What happens if she suffers social deprivation, What happens is she is unwell, What about siblings they might have no money ect.... All of a sudden I relised that I do care and would ensure that the bfamily recieved all the support they needed I would never turn my back. The moral of the story is it takes time and sometimes friends to make you think. Goodluck give him timexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx