what age did you tell?

We have already started discussing it with our girls (they are 3.5 years old). I think the earlier the better, so the child feels that you haven't hidden anything from them. I worry so much that my girls will feel that we were dishonest if we don't make it part of the normal landscape of their lives. I never want them to feel blindsided by any of the information we will have to share with them through the years (about being in foster care, about their birth mom, etc.)... Hope this helps.

Our daughter was adopted at birth and has just turned two. We have added a new bedtime book to her rotation. "It's okay to be different" by Todd Parr. One of the pages says "It's okay to be adopted" and we always say "Aliyah is adopted, you know." We hope this will always be part of her identity and of course the discussion will get more sophisticated as she grows up. Now, whenever the word adoption is mentioned Aliyah proudly taps her chest and proclaims "aliyah 'dopted" of course we goes on to announce that "mommy 'dopted, grandpa 'dopted, etc" but I know this is normal for her stage a development. I don't know if our experience will be at all helpful to you, as it sounds like your kids might be older and of course more sensititvity will be required, but I wish you the best of luck as you find your way.

We started talking about it as soon as she came home (at 18 months). Of course since she is from India and we're not, it's pretty obvious to everyone looking at us what the story is, but my point is we started talking about it before she could possibly understand. I just tell her her life story -- usually at bedtime.

I am an adoptee as well as an a-mom and with my daughter (now 18), I followed what my mom did with me. I dont remember being told, just always knowing, so I imagine that my parents told me way before I had any idea what it meant. Mom said she followed advice from Dr. Spock at the time. It just seemed normal, but I was told repeatedly that I was the very special chosen baby (my folks also had biological children one before and one after me and we look nothing alikeҗthey are all dark hair, dark eyes and skin and Im blonde and blue). I had imagined a baby store with rows and rows of babies bassinettes where they picked me! As I got older and wiser my mom gave up the whole story. I remember talking to my daughter, about it when she was 2 or 3 and the question came up about her being in my tummy, when she became aware of a pregnant woman and I explained that she didnҒt grow in my tummy, but another ladys҅ Of course I was able to say that I did not grow in grandmas tummy either. As she got older the questions were more complicated and I didnҒt give away too much, I would just answer questions--guardedly though, so as to not confuse her at an early age. Only give what you think they can truly handle, but bring it up and be casual. A few weeks before my daughter turned 18 the subject came up and, I did tell her, her birthmothers name and what I know about her and her circumstances and showed her a photo of her birth mom and older half sister that I have kept for her. I offered her the photo and she asked me to keep it for now҅ That was just in May of 2004.

isobm -- i would love to hear more about how you felt growing up being adopted in a home with bio kids as well. we have adopted twin girls (3.2 years old) and now have a bio son (8 months). granted my girls are biracial, so I know we will have more issues to deal with, but I do wonder how it will effect them to be "different" and to have a sibling who is "not." we are always very open, and i answer questions as they come up (my one daughter is amazing with the questions, for a little 3.5 year old!), and i am always sure to make adoption nothing but a positive -- something that makes them extra special. But I still wonder if having a bi child will make things more difficult for them. If you have the time, would love you view on this issue. Thanks!!

Wow, what a lucky lady you are to have three children! Toddler twins and an infant! A triple blessing Id say J. I have my ғone and only and I thank the heavens every day! IԒm not quite sure what you are looking for in my response, but I always felt and still do that my brother, sister and I were the same, except I was the favorite (and still amnot so cool when your older though, cause they expect you to handle all the important stuffחespecially the hard work). You said your girls are bi-racial, but did not indicate what races are mixed. That really doesnt matter though, as mixed-race people are far more common nowadays. When I was growing up, it was quite unusual. My very best friend in the world is a very light skinned black lady (blonde hair/green eyes-gorgeous!). We were little in the 1960Ғs and life was quite hard for her growing up (both of her parents and all siblings were dark). Her experiences were similar to mine, but different. Thank goodness we live in a more enlightened age! Although my family and I are caucasian, our coloring was completely different, me with blonde hair and blue eyes and my parents and siblings with brown eyes, hair and dark olive skin, I remember as a child being out with my family and someone always asking and whoӒs little girl is this? It was terribly embarrassing and would make me very sad and self-conscious, but my mom, or dad would always say thatԒs my little Debbi. It actually still happens occasionally, and it still hurts. Not too long ago I was at a party for my sisters birthday and I introduced myself to a friend of hers I had not met before as her sister. The ladyҒs response was sister in what wayӔ? My answer was the type where you have the same mother and fatherӔthat may have been rude, but I couldnגt help myself. She kind of choked and said something like I thought maybe you meant sorority sister or somethingӔ I donŒt think she talked to me anymore that evening. Again, not quite sure what response you were looking for, but I would be happy to answer any questions you have. Just keep talking and love your babies! They grow up way too fast. Everything will work out great. Based on questions you are asking, the indication is you are an exceptional parent. Just keep doing what you are doing and that will help get you through all the weird and hard stuff.

My mum's best friend adopted 2 boys as babies many years ago (one is now 24 and one is 30). The way this family chose to "tell" their kids was to have a special "adoption day" party each year on the anniversary of each boy's adoption. It was like a birthday party, but just for the immediate family - the mum, dad, and the two boys. As far as I remember, the boy would get a small gift, a cake, and the mum and dad would congratulate the boy "Happy adoption day, T!" This seemed to reinforce that being adopted was something amazing and special, and more than that, VERY HAPPY!

I don't think there is a special age to tell your children about adoption. In our case my husband and I began to talk to her since she came (2 years 7 months) right now she is 5 years old and she even ads aspects to the simple story that mommy picke her up at the hospital when bio mother called me and ask me to take care of her. When she first heard the story she told me she wanted to meet her and I promised we will do so when she is 21 (I will because I have all the basic info to find her). So she knows she has 2 moms one from the belly and another one from the heart and she is happy about it.

I started talking to my older son (now five) about adoption when he was just an infant. We're in a very open adoption and he sees his bmom and her family fairly often, so he is definitely knows who they are. I am glad I started talking about it then. It is sometimes a hard story to tell--the story is not the one you likely grew up with, so it takes time to figure out the words to use and the way to tell it. And, even though we have an open adoption, and I am very, very happy with the whole situation, there are still feelings that come up at first about adoption that I was glad I could work through before he was fully aware of what I was saying. By the time he was able to talk about things and understand more, it was something he just always knew. We are already talking about adoption with our second son, who is a foster adopt child, and he is 16 mos. old. I would think that if the three or four year mark passes by and you haven't started the discussion, that it will just get harder and harder. Somehow once they pass the age where they are starting to figure out family relationships and how babies come into the world and they aren't told how they came to be in your family, it would begin to feel like I was lying to my child if I didn't talk about adoption.

I agree with you Leslie there isn't an specific age to start talking about adoption, also there are some studies that say that the more you talk about the topic the less interested the child is going to be interested in knowing their bio parents also there is less effect when he gets older.