Day visits? How often?

It's difficult to say because each situation in open adoption is unique. The relationship will also change with time, just like any other relationship in life. It is important to set bouandries, it's also important not to treat them like rigid structures. For instance, early on you might suggest meeting once a month for a day outing. As your child grows, visits may increase or decrease depending. What is important here is that you not decieve or agree to something that you know you are not comfortable with and doubt in your heart you'll follow through on. Adoption relationships are built on honesty and trust. It's better beleive me for you to walk away from a connection than to stay in one that's not 'right' for you. Staying in a relationship that never worked (or worse, closing because you're uncomfortable) is far more devistating for the child involved. IMHO, HTH Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

I would plan a meeting with your adoption coordinator, or social worker if you have one, and discuss and put into writing the ideas you have for contact as the years go by with all of you there. Note that this is a plan, it not a contract and it may change as the years go by. Now I know that in some states the courts actually mandate visits, so check into that as well. What are you thinking about the frequency of visits compared to her?

One of the things we agreed up on in our open adoption was all visits must agreed upon in advance by both parties. Neither side is allowed to "just show up". We stated this was not to limit, but to make sure everyone go the most out of the visits. We didn't want her coming by, only for us to be gone or leaving out the door as she arrived. Also, instead of agreeing upon a set number of visits, we set it up to be no more frequent than x# of weeks between visits (except of course for special occasions). It set lmitations, but also allows for flexibility. No one has a schedule that has to be met. Our adoption JUST happened (June 23rd) and she is living in FL us in VA right now, so I can't offer any advice to how it is working out yet. When she and her mom move to MD at the end of the year, visitations will begin then. Good luck with everything!

honeyb, I am a bmom in an open adoption relationship. My bdaughter turned three last month. Our open adoption is becoming one of the best experiences of my life. My bdaughter's parents WANTED an open adoption, as did I, and I think that is what has really made it work so well. I don't mean to be gruff, but.. if this is not something you want--if it's something you're just going along with, but have doubts about--it might be better (for everyone) if you let the potential bmom know this, and looked for a different match. (I know, that is EASY for me to say, very difficult for a waiting potential aparent to do.) However, if you want to know how our adoption works... Marie's aparents live 4 hours away. I see them about 6 times per year. (I have a feeling it may become more frequent than that, soon, just because we are all continuing to build our relationships and really enjoy our time together.) There's really very little reason to be concerned about confusion on the child's part. Kids know who mommy and daddy are. As someone else on this forum says... they're only as confused as the adults around them. :) Marie's afamily is like extended family to me, and vice versa. In fact, we just got back from a beach vacation with them. D and Y often stay over at my parents' home for a weekend visit. All of my family members have been alone with Marie at some point (and no, no one had any thought of kidnapping her! :) ) It's really a wonderful situation. I know not all open adoptions work like this, but.. they can. The potential is there. We all just practice basic human courtesy and respect, and it's fine. Good luck in your journey.. and congratulations on a possible match!! :D :D :D Nicole P.S. I, too, have a mental health disorder. Bipolar II. I'm very functional. My hubby is schizophrenic. He's very functional. A mental health diagnosis is really nothing to fear. If she's on meds, she's obviously dealing with it appropriately... and is quite possibly a stronger person for fighting this and getting treatment. I wouldn't let this scare in terms of her contact with the baby. JMHO.

Be honest about what you want. I was so afraid amom was just trying to make me happy by saying weekly visits. But she was being totally honest. We visit once a week for an hour or two. Everything is going great. If she changed her mind it would hurt me so much. But I don't think that will happen. Just do whats comfortable, and be honest about it.

My situation is unique because the child is my foster child. There are safety reasons why this child was removed and it is common knowledge that parent goes off meds. from time to time. Open adoption is being brought up by the parents. Like many of you have replied I want to agree to something that I will be comfortable with. I was actually thinking once a month day visits for the first year then only 3 or four times a year after that. My main concern is safety.

honeyb, we are in a very similar situation. We are adopting our 20 month old foster daugther (who we've had since birth) and have agreed to maintain contact with her bfather. I agree that this is much different than a typical open adoption -- I think it would be much easier for me to remain in contact with bparents who willingly relinquished in hopes of giving their child a better life, rather than someone who has been found unfit to parent (and most likely still wants the child). Fortunately, things are going well for us. We actually have some friends who wrote up a "legal agreement" for their open adoption (not binding in most states, but gives the bparents some comfort, and lets you both know what to expect). It included things like how often the bparent could visit, and how those visits were to be setup - the bparent had to initiate the visit by asking if a certain date was okay, if it wasn't, the aparents had to offer two alternate dates. They also put that if the bparent were to show up intoxicated (or unmedicated in your case) that the visit was cancelled, and that if the parent were ever convicted of a crime (therefore becoming a bad example to the child) that the contract was void. We never actually wrote up an agreement, and sometimes I think it may have been better. I had the same fear as you - that they would be showing up for dinner and such. I have to admit that reading through posts on this site has softened my heart for them. I had (and still have) a lot of anger toward them for what they put my daughter through for the first year and a half of her life (visitation and all), not to mention my family. When we first agreed to an open adoption it was in hopes of getting him to relinquish -- which didn't happen until just before the termination trial, but by that point we had promised so many times that we felt it would be unethical to change our minds. I decided that in order for this to work for my daughter I have to just let it go. I have also come to the conclusion that it is definitely in her best interest to know her bfamily loves her. Like I said, it has worked out okay so far. We have some issues, like him wanting to be called Daddy S. or Papa S., but other than that he has been pretty appropriate (it seems to be harder on his mother than him). The way I see it, they know that they have to be on their best behavior because we have (or will have as soon as our adoption is final) all legal control over her life, and they have no choice but to respect our boundaries. Good luck, feel free to pm me if you want any more info on the legal contract.

I live in a state that allows legally enforceable open adoption agreements. We worked with an agency that facilitates only open adoptions. The average number of visits that people agree to are three to four a year with pictures and letters in between. Our agreement stipulates to six a year. We end up with more (and have progressed to overnight visits--which is unusual). I would say that you should go with the minimum you are willing to follow through with. Given the past history of skipping medication, I would definitely add a clause that the parent needs to be following the medication plan at the time of any visitation. Three to four visits a year seems to be pretty workable for most families. I will warn you, the first year can be hard--but if you work through the emotions that can come up, the relationship your child has with their biological family can be all around rewarding. I will likely be in the same situation you are in several months from now. We have a second foster/adopt son that we will likely be adopting later this year and we would also like to have an open adoption. His situation is very different from my older son's and there are more safety concerns involved. However, I think a connection to his family will be very important to him later, so I will do whatever I can to foster it in the interim. Leslie