open adoption and all that it encompasses

I ended up talking to my counselor yesterday from FS, and he and I discussed how little education Family Services gives adoptive parents about open adoption. I told him how frustrated I was, because "open" to me means something different than my son's aparents. His solution was to be pro-active. He wants me and him to make a video discussing what my "open" adoption has been like so far, my frustrations, etc. This may be pro-active, but it doesn't solve my present dilemma. I received a letter from my son's aparents last week concerning what kind of communication they wanted. I wrote them a letter first, telling them what I was comfortable with but throughout that letter, I kept saying, " I want whatever YOU are comfortable with," trying to help them to let down their walls of distrust. But I never thought that they might be dealing with issues of their own, like maybe not feeling like the parent. I try to tell them often that they are his parents, that I love and appreciate them for all that they are for him and me. I try and open up to them about all my concerns and feelings about the adoption, trying not to be scary, but just being honest with them. Right now I just feel like they're scared, and I'm not really sure why. I don't think that I'm pushing or anything, but I feel like maybe they're scared that I will. Maybe someone has some insight? Maybe it is that they're trying to find their role with me in the same way I'm trying to find my role with them and my son. But somebody has to be willing to initiate this kind of conversation, and I don't know if I want to have to keep on being vulnerable in this relationship. Thanks Aspen for your words, they made me think. Got any more good words of advice?

Honestly, I think just time helps. Time to break the habit of automatically having these feelings of insecurity. Time to digest and process the information. They only tell us that we'll fall in love when the baby is placed in our arms....they don't tell us that the guilt comes with it. I have an over active imagination, so even though I haven't even been matched yet, I already play through the scenes in my mind to try to prepare. And each couple is different, they may be dealing with different comments from people close to them who don't understand. Most Amoms I know have a massively high empathy level, and are very self sacrificing. I hear them say a alot that they don't feel comfortable being happy when you are sad. What was their response to your letter? You may also start to compose a letter that is a description of your idea of the perfect relationship with them. I'm sure that inviting you to the sealing indicates that they are trying to push through the insecurities. Some times mixed signals are just proof that they are second guessing their decisions. Or maybe the husband and wife just aren't on the same page yet. I know I am WAY MORE involved in adoption research than my DH is. I can hardly wait to hear their response to your letter. You might suggest that they join this forum and talk to other amoms! Keep us posted!! I am anxious to see how open adoptions work in and LDS situation from both sides. You are a pioneer!

Their response to my letter was basically that they're open to letters and pictures, (by the way, the sealing was a month ago, we already had "the visit"), but not comfortable with e-mail or telephone calls, unless it's an emergency or it's urgent. Face-to-face visits, it seems they prefer it to be a special occasion. Videos; they're not sure if I can handle getting those. The thing that slightly miffed me was at the sealing, my mom asked them if we were going to start writing directly to each other, and they said no, they wanted to continue writing through the agency. To be completely honest, that frustrated me, and in my next letter, I let them know that I don't like going through the agency. I have to drive 30 minutes to get there, and I usually end up having to drive there a lot every week. So I asked them if they would mind sending me their letters directly to me, and I would send mine to their agency if that's what they wanted. I'm kind of hurt that they didn't want me to know their address. I don't understand that. They should have no reason for concerns with me, and I want to feel like they trust me, and they won't even trust me with their address. Yet, I had to trust them with my baby from the beginning and have learned to completely trust them through that. All of this stuff that happened is what led me to believe that they are scared right now, and I really don't know why. What do you think? I also have thought about telling them about this forum, but now that I've posted in here, I'm afraid of them being hurt by what I've said. I really care about them and don't want to hurt their feelings. To be completely honest, one thing that birthmothers are sincerely afraid of, especially around the time of finalization, is that they might give the afamily a reason not to want to continue communicating, and then being cut out of their child's life for forever. So anyway, Aspen, what do you think. I hope this will be of some help when you have the experience of working with your own birthmother.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was. This situation is so difficult and I think they probably aren't meaning to hurt you. They just aren't stopping and looking from at it from your point of view. You are obviously doing it and that's so wonderful. I would pray and ask the Lord to help and also ask him to grant you peace & patient. Of course that's my approach! ;) We've been waiting with LDSFS since 4/03. It's been long and arduous! I NEED patience. :D To your earlier question - we didn't receive training from LDSFS about anything with open adoption. I know our old branch in Denver offers classes and some of the topics have related but it was 3 hours from where we lived so I'm not sure how the discussions were connected. However, we did take some classes on our own and we read and read. Our caseworker gave us a listed of suggested reading also. He talked about it, but I think alot of them don't. I hope the aparents come around for you soon and at least make it easy to communicate with you. I'm sure that Aspen is right. It may just take time. I know that is so hard.

We adopted our second child in 2003 under the newer policy through a Utah LDSFS agency. There was NO training about openness. I found that at the same time the agency was touting it's new policy to the prospective birthmothers, practically promising openness after six months, they are minimizing the new policy to the prospective adoptive couples. They let them know that there is the option of more openness after finalization and that they would no longer monitor the contents of letters and packages, but they encouraged maintaining confidentiality. I don't know if things have changed now but during that first year of the new policy, there were endless examples of birth parents with unfulfilled expectations and adoptive parents wondering why their children's birth parents wanted more than they were willing to give. My requests for forums and workshops about openness were refused because although the option was now left to those involved, the agency still discouraged it. What it mostly comes down to is that until quite some time has passed, the aparents have a hard time feeling like parents. And during contact with the bparents, it is even worse. It truly depends on the people involved and the communication they have. It was more the things that clueless family or ward members said that made us feel insecure: "Do you keep in contact with his real mom?" In our case, because of the things that they said in their letters it was actually the communication with the birthparents that assisted us in bonding with our children and feeling like the parents, it didn't make it worse. I doubt that we ever received a letter that didn't mention how grateful they were that we were the parents they chose, how receiving our letters and pictures and seeing how he was doing only served to reinforce that the decision they made was the right one, etc. With them constantly reaffirming our role as Mom and Dad, it greatly assisted us in feeling like this baby was really ours. It also helped us to view them as completely non-threatening and undemanding, which brought out our own generosity in wanting to share more of our son with them. It started with videos and evolved into fully open relationships in which we have visited each other's homes, email regularly, and phone occasionally. Most of our contact is still through letters and pictures but we are completely comfortable with the rest of it. Some of the things that might be holding them back are dealing with the fears of those around them like family and friends. Until your life has been touched intimately by adoption, you are completely unaware of its intricacies and left instead to rely on the uneducated assumptions and philosophies of the world. Far too many people worry that sending cute pictures will only serve to make a birth parent want his or her child back or that communication in whatever form will delay a birth parent from healing or "moving on." All it takes is a little education to learn that the exact opposites of these theories are true. Some agencies do this very well and others fail miserably. But with that knowledge, adoptive families are able to put others' fears to rest. I hope that your situation gets resolved. If you can, or if you haven't already, please talk to your caseworker about these issues. It's possible that s/he can bring these things up with their caseworker. Personally, I think it's silly for them to be judging whether or not you can "handle" getting a video. If it's a matter of them just not wanting to, there's not much you can do about that. But I would hope that a caseworker could explain to them how those types of things are healing rather than hurtful. Also, if they refuse to send things directly to you, ask your caseworker to mail you your correspondence. That's how one of our birth parents got her mail. Best of luck to you.

Camillah and CTRCAR have both given excellent advice! I'd add that maybe email is better than actual letters. Suggest that and see how they respond....Hotmail allows you to set up an account without identifying info...they may feel safer that way....I already know I'll prefer email WAY MORE, than traditional letters. Suggest that and see what happens. ALSO, see about changing your id name here to not be as big a clue to who you are. I think that having your case worker contact their case worker would be really good. They also may just be taking things one step at a time. I mentioned your situation at my FSA meeting and everyone was astounded that they invited you to the sealing. Even those who consider themselves open said that for them that would be too much too soon. Couldn't you figure out their addresses from that? Also could you just mail your letters in a manila envelope to the agency? and then when they get it they can forward it to the aparents? I still think that time may just be all they need.

My son was my couple's 2nd child adopted through LDS FS. When I came into this, knowing that, I thought they would have worked out most of the kinks with their first birthmom. I'm not sure if it's just because she ended up getting married when her son was about 1 yr old, or if she too was feeling discouraged, but she doesn't write often to D and A, the adoptive parents. As far as finding out their address, yes, I could easily find it if I wanted to. They told me their last name at the sealing, and that's when I also found out what city and state they're from. But there's a big difference from them gladly giving me their address and me having to find it on the internet b/c they won't disclose it to me. AAARRRGGH! Thanks, I needed that. It hurts me whenever I think about that. Ctrcar, what you had to say about what you found about the agency sounds completely right. That's the attitude I feel from my couple. They seem to be wondering why I "need" so much communication from them. That makes me mad if the agency is discouraging couples from being completely open. My counselor talked my ear off, praising how they now had open adoption and it was so good. I did feel as if I was promised openness after 6 months. That is mostly why I'm so confused right now. And pretty hurt. I feel almost like the people I've been learning to trust for the last 9 months of my life maybe aren't so trustworthy. I guess time will tell. I shouldn't jump the gun and start preparing myself for letdown right now, I know I need to give my couple a chance to prove themselves, but it's kind of hard when you're already beginning to have trust issues with them. Ctrcar, how old is your 2nd child? How long did it take you to develop such an open relationship with the birthparents? Aspen, I think that my caseworker contacting their caseworker is a good idea. I almost feel like the couple and I just need to be able to sit down and talk, maybe over a telephone conversation, so we can work out all of the confusion. Having to drag out the conversation in a month's worth of letters is wearing my patience thin. My couple and I did come to a compromise on the letter thing. They mail their letters directly to me, and I mail them to their agency. They're concerned that if they e-mail, they won't be able to send me pictures. I don't know why we just can't e-mail and they can send pictures every other week. I'm willing to compromise! I just don't feel like they're willing. Having this thread has helped me get out all my feelings this week. Thank you for all of your help! :) But don't stop now, I still really need your advice and words of encouragement.

I too think that there is not enough education about open adoption with LDSFS. I think that a lot of the fear about open adoption is that the bmom will want to play part-time parent. At least this is my husbands fear. We have struggled because I want to open up the adoption more and he does not. I think that a large part of it is due to the fact that I do all of the correspondance with our bmom and have created a strong bond with her. It is difficult because I want and need to respect my husbands wishes but at the same time want more contact. He did agree to e-mail which has been a great blessing. Seeing your post makes me feel frusterated and upset that I am not able to have that openness. I do agree with your comment about trusting them to raise your child and them not being able to trust you. I think that it is more about fear. We always fear the unknown. The intersting thing about my husband is that he was adopted through LDSFS in1971. He met his bmom about 6 years ago so you would think that it would be easier for him to be more open. I can see that there are both good and bad things to an open adoption but isn't that with everything? Does anyone have any ideas how I might be able to help my husband open up a little more? I worry also about hurting our bmom's feelings. She is so wonderful and I love her to death. Any thoughts?

Ctrcar, how old is your 2nd child? How long did it take you to develop such an open relationship with the birthparents? My second child will be two years old this fall. I accidentally wrote that we adopted him in 2003 but it was actually the end of 2002. Time flies! By the time finalization rolled around, we were already itching to be able to correspond directly and bypass the agency. Numerous families besides ours - both adoptive and birth - were becoming increasingly frustrated with the length of time correspondence was taking to get from person to person, with all the stops it had to make in between. But I'm a rule-follower by nature so although I had all of the contact information I needed I didn't use it until after finalization. We had visits with ds's birth parents by the time he turned one, and many more have followed. Keep us posted!

Well, here's my update as far as what's been going on with my couple and I. I went and talked with my counselor at LDS FS, which helped me to gain a lot of insight. What all of my questions and confusions really boil down to for me is: what role does my couple want me to play in their lives? Right now, with our relationship still so new, I'm unsure of who I am to them. I know that I am the birthmom to my son, that he is the son of all of his parents, and that we all love him. My counselor said something pretty profound to me when I met with him. At first, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but the more I think about it, it makes more and more sense to me and helps me to feel more peace and patient about the situation. "A", the amom to my son, told me in her last letter that basically communication was going to have a lot to do with what she and her husband felt was best for the child, and would be decided by a lot of praying and listening to the spirit. Basically, she would be putting my child's needs first. At first, this really frustrated me because I felt like, where did I fit into this picture. My counselor commented that this was one of the reasons that I picked my couple, because they would put my child's needs first and care for him in the best way they knew how. The more I thought about this, the more selfless it has helped me to be about the situation. I do want what's best for him and them, and I guess for now that means me being as patient as is possible while we all figure out what role I play. Anyway, I just thought I would share that with all of you. One of the hardest things in adoption is after the child is placed, helping the birthmom find her role in your life and most especially in the child's life. So, for any of you who have birthmoms, how did you find a role for her? Was it hard, or did it come easily? What kind of role does she play? How involved in your life is she? Thanks for any input!

IsaacsMom, are you saying that you want a more open relationship, or less? In your original post it sounded like it was a bit much for you, then later it sounded like you wanted more. I think you need to decide for yourself what your ideal relationship would be, and write to them again and spell it out (nicely of course), don't just say "whatever you want". Tell them you've thought a lot about it and this is what you think... then tell them that if they have other ideas, you're willing to compromise. But you need to stand up for yourself and let them know what you want. I know you're trying to respect them and be nice, but you can't expect them to give you what you want if you just say "whatever you want." I'm sorry that they're not willing to give you their address. I know what you mean though, about the difference in them giving it to you and you finding it yourself. But I don't think anybody was trying to offend you. What I have noticed (and truly hope not to offend anybody by), is that most couples don't consider adoption until they have tried and tried, and failed and failed at concieving. They want a child of their own and look to adoption as a way to find their child. I think that sometimes the birthparents are a reminder that they were unable to have their own children. I know there is more to it than that, I am able to have my "own", and still have my insecurities in adopting. I would strongly, strongly recommend that you "introduce" them to this site. It has softened my heart tremendously to my dd's bfamily. Two years ago open adoption was a very abstract concept to me. In the beginning we agreed to an open adoption with our dd's bfather just to get him to relinquish (we're adopting through foster care). But as time went by and I researched open adoption, I have come to the conclusion that it can be very beneficial to the child. I want what is best for my daughter, and it sound like your son's aparents do too. I don't know how anybody can research the subject and not be willing to have an on-going relationship. (Safety concerns aside). I also don't think that you've said anything that would offend them, just help them to understand you. I can see how LDSFS (or any agency) could "sale" their open adoption policies to bmother's and play them down to aparents. That's not good. I wonder if certain people know what is going on there. I don't know who runs it, I mean, I know it's run by the church, but who specificly. But they should probably be made aware of what is happening. Now, back to my personal insecurities in maintaining an open relationship. I have found that the less over-involved they try to be, the more involved I'm willing to let them be. The more they confirm our role as her parents, the more comfortable I am with them. What do you call yourself around your son? A lot of aparents (myself included) have issues with bparents referring to themselves as "Mommy" or "Daddy". You need to come to agreements with them on all of this stuff. When you can define your roles in eachother's lives, they're less likely to feel threatened by you. Our relationship is working quite well. They have our address, and we have there's. I'm mostly in contact with our dd's bgrandma -- we send e-mail (and digital photos) every week or so. Her son (our dd's bfather) lives with her, so she prints the photos and e-mail and takes them home to him. They've come to visit us a couple of times already, and we have welcomed them to visit whenever they can. They live 9 hrs away, so they can't come that often. I have to admit that it's not always easy. But I do think that I would feel differently if our dd's bparents had willingly relinquished to give their child a chance at a better life, as you did. So, figure out what you want and let them know. Confirm their roles as your daughter's parents, and help them define your role in their lives. I know it's not easy, but the only way to do that is to talk about it. And tell them about this site -- it really has helped.

I'd like to post a couple of thoughts that haven't been thrown out there yet...... I have two children, one adopted in the "old" policy and one adopted under the "new" policy..... In our situation, it is a little different. When we started the process to adopt our second child, the policy was the same as when we adopted our first child. During that time and right after we were matched, the policy changed. So when we went into our second adoption, we were fully expecting it to be the same. However, now, it is not. There are some good things about the new policy, but it left us in a different spot. Having found out about the new policy, we met with our second child's birthmom twice before the birth and then again at the hospital and then placement. Therefore allowing 4 different times to discuss how much openness she wanted and we wanted. She stated that she thought we had done a great job with our first child and liked that. With that comment, my hubby and me aftering discussing it with her that we would keep contact the same as with our first child. Later, our second child's birthmother wants to have more contact. Opening new issues that we hadn't "planned" on. Is this bad? No......just something to discuss. Some of our concerns were these: 1.

In reply to 2boys, I guess I probably did sound slightly confusing. I would love MORE openness with my couple. What I'm trying hard not to do is need more than they're willing to give. That's why I'm trying not to overwhelm them with my idea of what openness is, I'm trying to give them space in order to decide what they're comfortable with and not comfortable with. I'm truly afraid that if I told them what I would like the relationship to be like, they might push me away completely b/c it's not the same as their idea. I have never called myself "Mommy" when around them, I think I've always known that wouldn't really be okay with them, and not really with me either. I am the "birthmom" and I'm okay with that. It doesn't mean anything less to me as long as they respect the fact that I also want to be involved in our son's life. I think I do agree with you about letting my couple know about this site. It has helped me to be more open minded and to feel a whole lot more supported. Thanks for all your advice!

I just wanted to add a thought that somebody said to me: "Open adoption is like learning a new language". That is so true, but the problem is that so few people speak it fluently that it's hard to find a good tutor.:) Every open adoption is different. I wish that agencies would have open adoption levels or something that spells it all out, that both the bparents and aparents choose from before they're matched. I have discussed this with my dd's bgrandma, that there are no "societal rules" to follow with open adoption. When you get married, or in any relationship, you kind of know what to expect from the other members of the relationship just because of what you've seen in your life time. I've never seen a bparent-aparent relationship before. I respect you for giving them space to decide what they are comfortable with. Hopefully they respect that as well. Our dd's bgrandma and bfather have tried to be very respectful of us, and we haven't told them "no" much. However, they did ask if they could take her overnight, or even for a couple of hours, and I did say that we weren't comfortable with that yet. So, to rethink my first post, maybe you shouldn't spell it all out for them if you're afraid that it will scare them off, but just ask for a few specific things that you would like (again being willing to compromise.) Like updates through e-mail between the pictures that they send or something. I think our dd's bfamily feel the same way as you. I know that they would like more contact, but they refrain, and in a way I'm glad they do (remember that our circumstances are different though -- we're adopting through foster care). I guess that what it should really come down to is what is best for your son. Think about what will benefit him. Would the relationship you would like to have benefit him, or you? I think you've already kind of touched on the fact that you yourself will recieve the most benefit from knowing that things are benefiting him. I think that the more apparent it becomes to them that you really just want what is best for your son, the more comfortable they will be with you. Have you thought about starting a journal for him, or do you write letters to him? Some day he may really value being able to read about the love you have for him, and what you've gone through to give him everything you can. I hear aparents advise other aparents to keep a copy of everything, just in case, I think that's probably a good idea for bparents too.

IsaacsMom, oh my godness! We are going through all of the EXACT same issues you are, but from the adoptive couple's side of the fence. I don't know if it will help you at all, but I will tell you how I wish our bmom would deal with us... I would love to be told that we are the parents and that we are doing a wonderful job. It would mean the world to me. I would love to hear her say that she is glad she chose us and that our daughter is exactly where she should be. I would love to hear her tell me that I am my little one's Mommy. I need to know that she knows and is OKAY with that. Not just because I need her permission to be my child's mother, but because I need to be able to let go of some of the guilt I feel. I need to hear what makes her happy. After that, I'd want her to tell me exactly what she needs. I would appreciate her consideration of our needs, but also greatly appreciate her honest communication of what she expects from us. That's it. From someone who could very easily BE the couple you are talking about... TALK TO THEM!!! They are feeling so insecure. Not because they are afraid of you, but because they don't know what they are doing any more than you do. They want to be wonderful parents to your child and a wonderful couple for you, but aren't sure how to do both at the same time yet. I know they love you so much and want more than anything for you to be happy, both in life and with them. Be upfront with them- both with your love and with your suggestions. I hope this helps! You sound like a wonderful person and I truly respect and admire you from your postings on this site. Let me know if you ever want to chat further! I have a few suggestions about ways your couple can better meet your needs while still giving themselves a little space to figure things out... from experience!