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I'm a 40-year-old single man who's thiking about adoption. I've been studying it for about two years, and it will be a few more years at least before I can even consider going through with it, because I'm out of work, have no savings left, and, amazingly enough, have no credit--not bad credit--no credit.
Anyway, I got on one of the other threads in one of the other sections and explained my thoughts and asked a bunch of questions, and got hit like a ton of bricks with all sorts of concerns from other posters. The general theme was that I might be entering into this with naive, half-thought-out notions, and that I clearly knew nothing about kids or parenting.
I admitted that I had very little experience being around kids. I was a librarian for two years at a K-12 private school. The director stuck me with a bunch of study halls, so I spent most of my time essentially babysitting various kids, instead of doing what I was hired to do. I had zero training in how to manage kids. My point, though, is that I was totally unable to control any of those kids. It was like a mad house.
The school was filled with spoiled rich kids and gossipy, interfering parents. The powers that be treated the high schoolers like they were constant trouble and the elementary kids like they were angels, whereas the truth was pretty much the opposite. I had very little powers to control the kids even if I'd known how. I got in trouble for making three kids who wouldn't stop talking and making noise to stand in the corner. It turns out the school considered that tantamount to corporal punishment!
I also worked at a children's bookstore and was the only man to work there in the store's long history. But I really didn't have dealings with kids there either. And I tend to be rather stiff and uncomfortable the rare times I'm around my friends's kids. I'm not very physically demonstrative either.
As I explained elsewhere, I'm more the type of person who'd take kids to a museum than to a ball game, and I'd be more likely to read to them then throw a ball around.
The posters on that other board insisted I need to get much more experience with kids before I even think of adopting. They suggested I volunteer at a day-care center or do baby sitting or something like that, but I'm sure most people would question the motives of a 40-year-old single man working in a setting like that.
And the friends I have that do have kids either live out of town or are people I see very seldom, chiefly, it seems, because apparently when people marry these days they're not allowed to have friends. The couple must retreat into itself.
Now, to move on to my main point.
How do people control kids these days, if at all? My parents's chief techniques were spanking, grounding, nagging, and heavy doses of humiliation.
I know I've learned most of what I know about business and people-management from the negative examples provided by some really bad bosses. Similarly, most of what I've concluded about child-rearing is a result of my decision to do many things just the opposite from how my parents did them.
Apparently, some time between my childhood and now the American people silently decided that spanking is child abuse. You only hear of it nowadays among the poor and uneducated, from what I gather. And gee, it just seems like such a wretched thing to do. I wouldn't think of whipping my dog? Why would I whip a kid?
(Interestingly enough, the people who say I'd make a good father base that observation chiefly on the way I dote on my dog.)
Ten years ago was the first time I ever heard of the term or practice "time out." (This was also the first time I ever saw those enormous, battleship-sized urban assault baby strollers that people use to block the aisles of stores.) But in my limited experience I've never known of a time out really working. It seems some parents try to reason with their kids on a level that's way above that of the kids's mentality. And from what I've seen time outs don't really seem to get results.
I saw a program on another type of child rearing technique, one I almost always see in public, and one that invariably fails. You see these people all the time, begging their kids to behave, trying to get the child's permission to do things. "Now, put that down? Could you put that down? Oh, please, Kelsey, please don't do that? Could you please not cry? Mommy will buy you that cereal you like if you don't do that."
In that technique the child calls all the shots. If he doesn't want to behave the parent is powerless to do anything about it.
So my question: How do you control kids today? How do you get them to behave?
From some of the posts I've read it sounds like life with kids is hectic chaos, that it's nothing but screaming and crying and sulking and destroying and slamming doors and food fights and so forth for 18 or more years. It sounds more like being in a cage with tigers than actual family life.
Is it really that crazy out there? I can't believe that everyone's family life is that out of control. I see parents who have kids who scream bloody murder, without a break, and the parents either don't try to keep the kid quiet or they seemingly don't hear the noise or they don't care enough about others to do anything. Then I see those families where the kids are just a joy to see.
I never much had use for babies until last year when I had a six month temp job at a bookstore next to a baby superstore. We had families with kids in and out all day and night. There were some screamers, but for the most part, the kids I saw were enchanting and beautiful. I was notorious among my co-workers for my cooing and doting and face-making.
But I should also add I would be interested in adopting older kids too. I have no infertility issues, but I don't want to have to wait to find a wife that may never come. I want kids either way.
So how do you prepare? Don't many people just make it up as they go along?
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Hi James:
Some of us make it up as we go along, some of us use philosophies espoused in books (Parenting with Love and Logic seems to be the one recommended most often here--I haven't read it) and magazines.
I'm blessed with a child who very much likes to make her parents happy, doesn't like to see us annoyed and is generally obedient and compliant.
However, I never give in to tantrums, require her to replace a whine with asking nicely and have removed her from the table/restaurant if she misbehaves.
I think people were suggesting that you expose yourself more to children for a couple of reasons.
For one thing, given the way you've described yourself it sounds as if you are set in your ways. There's nothing like children to upset ways. That's not to say there's not a routine -- it's just not the one you savor. Gone are those peaceful Sunday mornings with the New York Times. Gone are the long hot showers. My word, you start to savor 10 minutes in the bathroom alone!
Having kids means going to little league games even if you hate them because Johnny loves to play ball and it's important to him. Having kids means socializing with other parents, so that your child gets to play with other children. Having kids means listening to Elmo's annoying, screechy voice because as mind numbing as it is, the kid is learning how to count from the video.
The fact that you're considering doing this without back up, without a partner, means you have to be in it 110 percent without a break. The fact that you haven't been able to make a place in your life for a wife, makes me wonder if you can make the commitment to a child.
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There is a huge difference in parenting children from birth and taking in a child at an older age who has lived a chaotic life elsewhere.
Besides reading the above suggested parenting book, I would also recommend Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child by Greg Keck and Regina Kupecky. The parenting here will be much different then parenting a child from birth. Much of a childs personality is formed by age 5 and bonding(or the ability to) occurs by age 2.
While parents may be excited about taking in kids and becoming parents, many of the older children are angry about their lives and view adults with distrust and may not be ready to handle a parents enthusiasm and rules.
Logical consequences work best. Kids who don't behave in stores, don't go. If my teens are disrespectful, I forget how to drive. If they don't like the phone rules, they are welcome to pay the bill in order to have a say in what those rules are. If they break something, they need to fix it. If they make a mess, they need to clean it up etc. Young kids obviously need rules tailored to their understanding and ability.
Spaypets--Surely you're not saying you don't think it's a good idea for singles to parent, or do you mostly mean me?
A couple years after my dad died my mother remarried. I wasn't really thrilled about that, but she said she's just one of those people who just needs to be in a marriage. A friend, who knows both me and my mother, and is wiser than both of us, said,"Your mother could probably get used to living by herself if she ever really tried it, just as you could probably get used to living with somebody else if you tried it."
Yes, I would say I'm set in my ways, but I will also say that I never cease to be amazed at certain changes that happen in my life. There are things that have happened to me or that I have done that, had you told me ten or twenty years ago I would be acting or thinking in that way, I'd have laughed you out of the room.
For instance, for twenty years I was a smoker. I smoked cigarettes, a pipe, cigars. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. And unlike many smokers I didn't hate myself because I did it. I never tried to quit. I never wanted to. I told people if I ever quit it would be because I didn't enjoy it anymore.
Then, a couple years ago I had the flu, followed by pneumonia. This lasted for five weeks, during which time I obviously didn't smoke. But I had to get X-rays of my lungs and that scared the hell out of me. I was sure my lungs would look horrible. But no, the doctor said my lungs were as pink as a baby.
I figured twenty years is plenty of time to enjoy any vice, and that I should get out while I was ahead. I've not smoked since, not have I been tempted to, despite the fact I have two Cuban cigars within arm's reach of this desk.
So, yes, things can change dramatically, even when they are ingrained habits. And as I pointed out in my post---I never had much use for babies until last year--then had a complete change of heart.
As for marriage---well, it just hasn't happened, but then again, I haven't tried that hard. I've been very turned off by what I've seen of the marriages of many of my friends. But I certainly haven't ruled it out. If God wants me to have a wife, He'll bring her to me. Otherwise, I'm not going to get into a panic about it.
And if I may engage in some amateur self-analysis, I think that maybe if I am thinking so much about the idea of having kids that maybe something deep within me is not 100% satisfied with the ways I have become so set in.
Also, I'm still capable of having biological kids and would love to have them as well, but am still unable to shake the idea of adoption, so go figure.
lucyjoy--I think your description of your parenting technique makes perfect sense. I'm a big believer in logic, in things making sense. I think there has to be a way to make kids behave like civilized human beings without you in turn having to behave like the Great Santini.
I often see kids do things in public these days that neither I nor any of my contemporaries would've dreamed of doing in our day. I'm creaking into middle age, and I still have the childhood habit of walking with my hands behind my back whenever I'm in a store, lest I knock over and destroy something.
James, I think single parenting is really, really hard--harder than most people realize. And I think it's going to be extremely hard for a man who by his own account doesn't have much experience with children and leads a relatively solitary life. I would have much less hesitation if you had described your life as full of friends and family, a built in support system with back up so when you get the flu or have a deadline at work etc. you have someone to help.
You're a good writer -- very poetic, so perhaps I'm misreading form for content, but I worry that you've romanticized parenthood. And, I worry that a man, who doesn't have room in his life for a partner and who isn't even interested in seeking one out, cannot make the compromises necessary for rearing a child. It would be different if you were telling me that you had been in a long term relationship that for whatever reason didn't pan out, or even that you had a challenging career that you were so committed to, you had missed the boat when it came to finding a relationship. It's the lack of long term committment that raises questions.
Ultimately, of course, it's your decision, but maybe you should think about whether you are putting the cart before the horse.
James, I think single parenting is really, really hard--harder than most people realize. And I think it's going to be extremely hard for a man who by his own account doesn't have much experience with children and leads a relatively solitary life. I would have much less hesitation if you had described your life as full of friends and family, a built in support system with back up so when you get the flu or have a deadline at work etc. you have someone to help.
[Yes, I have plenty of friends, though not much family still alive, and what's left lives far away. My friends, sadly, I rarely get to see anymore because they either work all the time or are in relationships and have pretty much withdrawn into them.
Unlike married people in my parents's generation, people in marriages or relationships that I know don't seem to do much with other couples or individuals. In very few marriages that I'm close to are the members in an actual partnership. Rather, the wife is absolutely in charge, calling all the shots, and as soon as the couple paired off the woman for some reason found her husband's friends threatening to her in some way and forbade him to associate with them.
I'm sure this isn't the way with most marriages today--at least I hope it isn't. But sadly, it's that way with almost all the marriages/relationships of people I know well, so you can see why I'm not all that thrilled about pursuing one.
But yes, there are some exceptions and I do in facxt have some female friends, married and unmarried.
I have also had a lot of trouble getting established in my career, and am still working at it. For much of my life I've had to take jobs to survive that had nothing to do with my talents or career plans and that paid badly. Then after I finally got a job doing what I was good at and enjoyed, I got laid off due to the poor economy. And in answer to your next question, no, I have no plans to pursue adoption until I get back on my feet financially.]
You're a good writer -- very poetic, so perhaps I'm misreading form for content, but I worry that you've romanticized parenthood. And, I worry that a man, who doesn't have room in his life for a partner and who isn't even interested in seeking one out, cannot make the compromises necessary for rearing a child. It would be different if you were telling me that you had been in a long term relationship that for whatever reason didn't pan out, or even that you had a challenging career that you were so committed to, you had missed the boat when it came to finding a relationship. It's the lack of long term committment that raises questions.
[Are all single men necessarily wash-outs in love? Well, if you must know my story the Reader's Digest version is this: I never had much luck with girls growing up. In college I started fighting homosexual feelings that were really contrary to my religious and moral beliefs. I've never given into them, but at the same time I'm in a kind of stalemate. Since that apparently won't be resolved anytime soon (or it may--I've gotten much more involved in my religious life lately), I don't want to put the rest of my life on hold while waiting for that one problem to get resolved.]
Ultimately, of course, it's your decision, but maybe you should think about whether you are putting the cart before the horse.
[Are there any threads for single fathers or potential single fathers on this site? Everywhere I go here I feel like I'm being ganged up on by posters who come down on me thinking I really can't do this.]
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There are some very good single dads on this forum. I don't know you, so I have no idea what kind of dad you'll make.
I would suggest learning about older child adoption if that's what interest you. I would also recommend learing about Reactive Attachment Disorder. It's much easier to go into adoption with all the information up front. OLder children with ugly histories often require specialized parenting. Since you have no parenting experience, now is the time to study different styles and learn about the needs of children you may consider adopting in the future.
I think some of the flack your getting is due to your honesty about your shortcomings. We all have them. Unfortunately, kids are really good at finding them and pushing those buttons. It's important to resolve those issues so they don't become barriers to bonding. I found that out the hard way.
As for woman, marriage, and homosexuality-these questions will come up in the homestudy. They get to pry into every inch of your life and they do. Prepare now to be able to answer these questions.
As for marriage, I'm happily married, hang out with other married couples, spend time with my female friends and my husband hangs out with his guy friends at least once a week. We have a shared partnership but it likely appears to outsiders as if I call all the shots. Marriage is workable for those that want it. ON the flip side, so is being single and single parenting. But, single parents likely need a stronger base support system-also something you can work on while considering adoption.
Education and planning are the strongest keys to preparing for adoption. Many kids also need stay home parents so unless you work at home, that can complicate things. But there are kids who do well without stay home parents, too.
In college I started fighting homosexual feelings that were really contrary to my religious and moral beliefs. I've never given into them, but at the same time I'm in a kind of stalemate.