Q's about Foster kids who become adoptable

You have "a few questions..." LOL! Anyway, the short answer to just about everything you asked is "it depends". Not very helpful, huh? But if you have a foster child, and a different foster family has a sibling to that child, then the case could go any of a number of different ways. Sometimes the caseworkers want the children adopted together. In that case, sometimes they'll let one family know first and give them the option of adopting both. Sometimes they'll let both families know and hope only one wants to do that. Sometimes both families want both children and it goes before a committee to decide which one "wins". Sometimes neither foster family can do that, and both children go to strangers who will take both. Sometimes each foster family insists on adopting only their own foster child - in that case sometimes they get to, other times both children are removed and adopted by someone else. And sometimes, a third sibling is discovered somewhere and one or both new children will move in with that family. Sometimes you may accept the sibling of your foster child, discover the fit isn't a good one, and have both children removed because now they have a bond. Other times only the one child will be removed - sometimes to be returned to the former foster family, sometimes to live with strangers. Other times the caseworkers are content to have each child adopted by the family that has fostered them so far. In that case, sometimes they stress that the children know each other and sometimes they don't. It just depends. But yes, until the adoption is final there is always the chance that the foster child could be removed from you and placed with somebody else - bio parents, extended family, a sibling's family, previously-adopted older sibling who didn't even know about the new children's family. There are just no hard-and-fast rules. If you possibly can, it's almost always easier to accept your foster child's siblings into your home as soon as you learn about them. If you are fostering all members of a sibling group then this scenario shouldn't exist. Caseworkers should be better about this than they are. And about attachment - again, what you can do with a foster child depends on your area, your caseworker, your therapist, and the child him/her self. Yes, it's best to hug and kiss and snuggle and "baby" a new foster child who has attachment issues (or is at risk of getting them). And frankly it's better to treat them normally no matter their risk of attachment issues. But some children feel threatened by that, and it can disrupt their attachment with you. Others are accustomed to snuggles turning to sexual abuse, and will report you for a hug. Some caseworkers are convinced you shouldn't bond with foster children, and threaten to remove them if you appear to be attached to them or helping them attach to you. Still others will accuse you of sabotaging reunification with bio family if the child is better attached to you than to them. And on the opposite end of the spectrum are times you will be accused of not doing your job properly if the child has the slightest attachment issue even if you're not the one who created it. Do your best. Decide what the caseworker and her supervisors would support, and do at least that much. Attachment disorder can be just as serious as a seizure, and wouldn't you take a seizing child to the hospital even if the caseworker told you it wasn't necessary? Sometimes its more important to help the child than make caseworkers like you, but you're the only one who can make that call when it's needed. Same thing with what the foster children choose to call you. Some call you "mom" or "mommy", others may call you "mommy T", "aunt T", or even "Mrs. T" or just "T". Some can be taught what you wish to be called, others will decide their own name for you regardless of your wishes. Some definately feel they have a mother - and it isn't you, so they'll find a different name. Others want to appear normal to their friends, and call you "mom" in public but not private. And still others feel that you have that title because you are caring for them correctly, and call you "mom" all the time. Sometimes the bio mother objects and caseworkers ask it to stop. Sometimes the caseworker sees being called "mom" as sabotaging reunification. Other caseworkers see it as a good and necessary part of teaching the child appropriate roles within the family. Again, learn what your caseworker and her supervisors consider appropriate, and do at least that. If you're asked to stop, worry about that then and not before. One suggestion - especially for young children, do your best to have a different name than their bio-family is called. Even a difference between "mommy" and "mamma" can keep you from being accused of doing the things the child says the other parent did. If you share the exact same name the child may have difficulty explaining WHICH "mom" hit him, for example. Will your state allow you to join a foster parent association or attend those meetings even before you're liscenced? It would give you a better idea of how things in your exact area operate. Is attachment acknowledged as necessary, and are foster parents encouraged to facilitate the attachment? What are other foster parents called by their foster children? Who have previous foster children of those people gone to live with? How carefully do caseworkers place "foster" children so their lives are not uprooted too much if they become legally free for adoption? So many of those questions rely on the knowledge and dedication of the individual caseworkers and their supervisors. Hope that helps...

You have a few answers yourself (:-) lol!!!) Thank you for all your great detail you have gone too. What you are saying makes a world of sense. If you were fostering a very young child infant/toddler might you know from the beginning that the child might possibly not be going home? Or is it always assumed they will probably go home. I have completed MAPP classes to adopt, not foster, I don't even know at this point if we are allowed to go towards fostering with the Adoption MAPP classes under our belt or if we specifically need Foster MAPP. Also Florida has privatized, so I don't know what that means for us as far as where we have gone with the Adoption MAPP. Or even if they still have our paperwork (I have heard my share of nightmares happening, with lost records!) My questions were mostly regarding little ones who were not previously fostered, maybe r addicted babies, or little ones who might not have acquired language (delays). I do not know what the chances are for BParent to work on their plan in this kind of scenario. But if you have a little one who is just talking, they are not thinking you are not Mom, or Mommy or Mama. Also I have a child here and littler ones usually model what the other children are doing. So if they called me what my child here at home calls me, is that grounds for trouble??? But I guess as you said it all depends! Just trying to figure out if that would be trouble for us, if the foster child seemed to be "right at home" so to speak. We are in Florida. I did not look at your profile..I am thinking you are there too and have already adopted foster children (?) Thank you for your well thought out feedback! Love & Light, Tee

Actually I live in Colorado, and have not adopted yet. We were in the process of getting certified for foster care and adoption when my husband got cold feet. And it's been a holding pattern ever since. Blah! But I've found quite a few people who do foster care where I live, or have adopted from foster care, and I've made it a point to become and stay friends with them. Most of the time caseworkers can give you their expectation of whether or not the birth parents will be able to successfully complete their plan or not. But that's guessing the future, so those guesses are not always right. If the case plan for the bio says she has to have stable housing, and she can't hold a job for more than a few weeks, it would seem like common sense that she wouldn't find stable housing if she's always getting kicked out because she can't pay the rent - right? Until a boyfriend enters the picture and lets her move in with him, rent-free. Viola! "Stable" housing and the child may be returned. There's lots of situations like that. Just keep in mind that the initial plan is always reunification with bio family, and even if it changes later and seems certain that reunification won't happen, any change by the bio family for the better could result in the child being returned. Yes, children who enter the system because their parents manufactured or took Meth do have a lower percentage chance of being returned to bio parents - but they probably have an equal chance of getting sent to other bio family, like grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Any sort of developmental delay that "might" be because of genetics rather than enviornment isn't going to be factored in. A child may not speak because he was never spoken to - in which case the bio might be sentenced to attend parenting classes to learn the importance of interaction. Or the child may not speak because of a lower IQ or a sensory integration dysfunction - in which case that isn't the fault of the bio and the child may be sent directly home. The two lawyers will argue that one back and forth in front of the judge, and the judge will decide which he thinks is most likely the cause, and act accordingly. And keep in mind that no matter what your caseworker or agency recommends to the judge, it's the judge who decides what gets ordered. So no matter how "right" you think the worker is, the judge could decide to do what the other side's lawyer recommends. There is NO such thing as a "sure thing". New young children in a home quite often do model the children who are already there. With any luck, they'll model the same manners in addition to modeling what to call you! Again, just check with the caseworkers if you are concerned about anything, and they'll tell you if you need to try to change it. There are those who think it matters and those who don't, and you'll just have to learn which type you have to deal with in your case. I hope everything works out for you in terms of keeping paperwork from getting lost, having private agencies accept your classes, etc. We were planning on going through a private agency, too, but it's probably different when the private agencies have always been there from the beginning. I can imagine it's a little nervewracking to be changing plans mid-stream. Where I live, the difference between getting certified to foster vs adopt is a single 6 hour class and a paragraph in the homestudy. So it's pretty easy to do the other if you're already finished with one. I hope its that easy for you, too, if you decide to go that way.

for your anwers that are thought provoking and detailed. You have made me think of many other possible situations that could occur that I had not! Of course every situation would be "a depends" situation. Initially I thought the risk for foster to adoption in this scenario was reunification. Now I see many other paths including the possibility of aparents of older siblings (who had been previously adopted) stepping in, as well as the current fparents of other young siblings. At this point you have answered many questions! Thanx again! Best wishes to you on your adoption journey...it's a long haul huh?...we can't even seem to get the type of adoption we want off the ground! Anyone out there in Florida know if I had MAPP classes to adopt if I need to go back and take MAPP to foster now???????? Love & Light, Tee

Tee No, you don't have to retake the MAPP class. You will however need an addedum to your homestudy, complete the foster information packet and have the health department inspect your home.

I thought for fostering there were other specific requirements... First aid / CPR for example. I thought when I was taking MAPP for adoption, I read that the foster class had to do that, but the adoption class did not...strange! We never did complete the HS, I had some health problems after MAPP classes were completed. Then we moved, and made plans to put up a wall in a large room for a nursery or child's BR. We are considering many options, but obviously need to be ready for a little one and have a space there for them. So it would just be an addendum and the regular HS??? Do you know if we would need to takeFirst aid / CPR for example. Thanx-ahead-of-Time!!! Love & Light, Tee

Yes you have to take the cpr/first aid class to foster!!! You sound like you would be a wonderful foster parent. Your questions.....are very good.....as far as the adoption of siblings every case is different. In most cases keeping siblings together is the goal...when there is say 4 siblings sometimes they seperate them to groups of two if a family can't be found to place them al together. Somtimes if one sibling is considered special needs they might adopt them out seperately to give the other child a better chance of finding a home. No one can say one way or another...it's just something that works itself out in the end. If at all possible they will place the siblings in a home together as soon as a home can be found even if it is just a foster situation. As far as bonding is concerned....all my kids have called me mom or mommy. The older kids (10 years) I offer them my first name as an option. While they are in your home love them, kiss them hug them and treat them like your own flesh and blood. We had a 4 year old we were adopting that had reactive attatchment dissorder...when we went to counceling with him....we were told to give him special times where he was the baby...hold him like a baby and let him drink from a bottle....do a lot of one on one contact and talking looking into each others eyes. This was not an all the time thing....just once a day or whenever he acted like he needed the extra attention...if it wasn't an appropriate time...then you simply tell them they will have their special time before bed...or what ever time you decide. I would have done these things for Just a foster child as well. It fills the whole a child has in his heart.....it lets them feel and create a memory of you being Mommy and them being the baby....it helps with trust and bonding issues. I would not just give him a bottle any time or all through out the day...that would hinder his development.... only during his special time. The fact that you are thinking of all these things shows you will be an excellent foster/adoptive parent. I hope you decide to foster. Our family has been so blessed by it. We have had over 30 kids in 2 and a half years and adopted 2 and our 3rd we'll be adopting this year.

I just stumbled on your response after all this time and am very grateful for your kind words. Thankyou! Love & Light, Tee