1 open adoption, 1 closed?

banjo, :( :( :( It's hard to say without knowing the family and what they're telling their boys, but my initial reaction is they're dreaming... that this will never work. For several reasons... 1. The boys aren't going to just "forget" that you exist. 2. If the aparents are telling them/letting them think that you just don't come around anymore, it could reinforce to them that "this is what bmothers do... they leave... they abandon." (I'm not saying that's what we do, but that some adoptees feel abandonment issues, and it seems to me that if they see you--the only bmother role-model they have--disappearing, it could only serve to make that feeling of abandonment greater. Following me?) 3. If the aparents AREN'T being dishonest, but instead are telling their sons that your bdaughter does see you, then I'd imagine they are likely to feel left out. 4. It seems like your bdaughter could start to take on some invalid guilt for having her bmom in the picture, when her brothers don't... If you are "such a big deal" that you have to be hush-hush, how's that gonna make her feel? I don't know. I'm sure it's a difficult position for aparents to be in, but since you asked... if I were an aparent, it's not how I personally would handle it. What do YOU think, btw? Do you miss the boys? How often do you get to see your bdaughter now? (Sigh. Why does it all have to be so complicated...?)

Oh and mckenna, (Sorry to get side-tracked with banjo's question... hugs to you both, didn't mean to ignore either of you)... Marie's afamily has this situation, too. I have a fully open adoption with Marie. Marie's little sister, Maya, does not see her birthmother. Fully closed adoption. They're sorta too little for us to see how this is all going to play out (Marie= 3 1/2 years, Maya=20 months). But my family and I have approached it in this way: we consider ourselves Maya's surrogate bfamily. If you ask my parents how many grandkids they have, they'll tell you "three... Marie, Maya, Elise." (Elise is the daughter I parent.) We buy Maya birthday gifts, buy her Christmas gifts, tickle her and play with her... basically, try to treat Marie and Maya exactly the same. You will never hear my parents comment on how beautiful Marie is, without them also commenting in the same breath how beautiful Maya is, too. I know that in the end, we cannot replace Maya's birthfamily. I don't think any of us would presume to do so. We'll never be able to answer those all important questions for her about why she was relinquished, how she came into existence, who she looks like, and where she gets her personality from. But if we can't answer those questions, we at least try to model the idea that birthfamilies can be loving, good people, so that maybe, just maybe, Maya will have a sense that her birthmother, too, is probably a loving, good person. Maybe we're naive... I don't know. Ask me in 14 years or so. ;) But in the meantime, we'll do our best to love her. N

Hi there, 79nic: Where you are now is where we use to be! My family just included the boys as part of our family. I use to see them on their birthdays and give them presents etc. But about 18 months ago the youngest boy spat the dummy and wanted to see his bmother after I had visited. The amother showed him photos and he cried etc and after that i was kicked out of the fold! I think it's more than that. I think it's a combination of the amother obviously getting upset by his need to know the bmother - I don't think the other two children have ever been like that, and i think after all these years she has got tired of the committment to us and the bfamily being part of her family. I think she just wants to be a "normal' family. I think she finds the slightly open situation with the boys far easier. I was very upset but have got over it. The positives are that I can now spend heaps on my bdaughter and I just get a family present to include the boys. This year I will not buy the boys birthday presents. I think you are right 79nic but there's nothing I can do about this. lol Banjo

OK, you guys, I know you're going to be all over me on this one, but did it ever occur to you that the amother really is actually worried about the other children and how much your visit might hurt them? Must you assume that she has some bad, or is it lazy attitude, about her relationship with you instead? Could you be behaving a little selfishly yourself? I do understand that it must be difficult to feel suddenly excluded - there is no question that I would feel the same way in your shoes - but amoms have to put aside so many of their own needs to raise their families in adoptive situations. Maybe you need to do that too. In any case, could you give them the benefit of the doubt here and again?

We have adopted two children through fostercare...never knowing the birth families...and have very little info on them. We did get one picture of my 9month old's mother but that is it. My son has nothing...no pictures. We are about to adopt our 3rd through fostercare now. We've had her in our home over a year and a half. We've had contact with the birth mother, father, grandmother, aunt, and great grandparents. We are going to keep it a pretty open adoption with visits and letters and pictures. I'm also concerned how my other two will feel as they grow up...not having any contact with their birth families. While they see and participate in D's visits with her first family. My first realization of this happened just a couple weeks ago. our 5 year old...became sad when I told our 2 1/2 year old we were going to chuck-e-cheese to see her momma and grandma. He said "I thought she was going to be my sister....I don't want her to go" I told him that she is going to be his sister...but we are just visiting with her family because they miss her and still love her and want to see her. He then said...I want to see my grandma too...I had to explain to him why he couldn't see his birthfamily....and how D's family will now kinda become our family as well, because he was going to be her new brother. Then i brought up all the grandparents and relatives he's been able to visit since he has been adopted into our family. That ended our little talk...but I know the future has many more questions to come..I just hope I can find the right answers!!! I do wish i was able to have met my other childrens first family......or at least have pictures...to share with them...but i guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm curious also how other adoptee's deal in this kind of situation as they get older.

Hi there, there is actually more to it than that - a situation where the amother totally contradicted herself and another hurtful incident which I don't want to post about. Look I just think bmothers/afamilies need to be aware of these pitfalls. I mean afamilies welcome us in to their lives in this open situation and then can cut us out as they choose - we have no rights and no power just goodwill. I think adoption is necessary but in my case had I known how it would have turned out i'd never have gone down that road. At least websites like these can inform prospective bmothers and afamilies. This excellent site with all sides coming together was not available when I made my adoption plan. Had it have been I think I would never have gone through with adoption. All the afamily's actions do is to make me feel more and more like the big bad evil birthmother which is totally reinforced by society. Don't worry amothers - I tow the line and do what the afamily wants - I have no choice so there's no point protesting and rocking the boat. I should never have posted on this thread as all it has done is make me upset again about the situation and feel yukky deep down about the way I am being treated...and wonder what's the point of continuing with this charade since i seem to be so unwanted. Just venting....

Well, I personally am not sure where we implied that the amothers who cut out one birthfamily to protect another child in a closed adoption are LAZY. I don't think that at all. I think they are just misguided, but that is JMO. IN fact I actually said, I'm sure it's a difficult position for aparents to be in, but since you asked... if I were an aparent, it's not how I personally would handle it. I mean, if one kiid has a closed adoption, and one open, what is the point of taking away the open adoption from the one kid? Sure it "levels the playing field," so to speak, in that now both kids have closed adoptions.... but then you're (general "you") just creating a whole new set of problems: open adoption kid possibly feeling resentful that their birthfamily was taken away from him/her. As for banjo's particular situation, she knows the details of that better than anyone.... (shrug) Sorry if my posts offended anyone.

P.S. Banjo.... ((hugs)). I'm sorry you are feeling yucky. It's been a rough few months for me, too (as you know)... I hope things get better.

Well, in my opinion I'd think that having circumstances be beyond one's control in the closed, will be better understood by the children later on. I think when they are young, no matter what, there will be anger bouts as part of the grief of being adopted... sorry but that's been my experience (and also part of my readings). It is hard to have our cchildren hurt from something we cannot 'fix' but sometimes, we must accept that. I rarely mention my son's family, and my being a birth mother for so very long, since... it's as a part of me as my artistic talent... etc. They are family, they live a bit far, we talk occassionally. However, what's playing out now is that the daughter (younger than my son) had a closed adoption b/c the laws didn't allow open in the agencies. I suspect her bfamily wasn't counseled on open, etc and so they chose adoption 'as is.' But it's not really fair is it, I mean my son is older than she is, and HE has an open adoption and she doesn't. She asks her mom why a lot. Her mom doesn't really have a happy answer for her... she doesn't know the heart and mind of the bparents. She, understandably, avoids the issue. I plan on writing to the daughter, basically what I wrote here. But yes, she avoids haviing her daughter know when I call and stuff. oops gotta run Maia

i don't know when this became a debate (again) betweeen the big bad bmom's and big bad amoms. i just wanted to know how others handle the situation so if it should arise in my home i will have some knowledge to draw from. i would never close my son's adoption (even though at this time, his bmom has chosen to) i still send pics (when i have an accurate address) and she knows our address and phone number and can call at anytime. i would love for my second child to have an open adoption as well, but it may not be my choice, if his/her bmom wants a closed adoption i will honor that request and always update the agency with our information so that she can open it at any time.

I am in the same shoe's as you, one open and the other closed. I don't know if our's son's bmom will ever want to know more about him. I tried so hard to search for a second adoption that would be open but the Lord above seems to think that this little guy needed us more and I have to agree. While I do worry about how he will feel not having any contact with his bmother while our daughter has some contact, I have decided not to stress about it. What will be will be and each hurdle we come to, we will cross. I would never stop the visits for my daughter simply becuase my son doesn't have them. That is not fair to my daughter or her bfamily. I might ask that they embrace both children equally tho and hope that they will. With my family situation, I have learned that it is not blood that makes a family, but love and caring and support. While my son's bmom may not love him the way he may want to be loved, (ie. having an open adoption) that doesn't mean she doesn't love him with all she has. I will concentrate on the positives and when the other issue's pop up, I will gently explain each issue the best way possible. I know I'm not much help. Just wanted to share with you. Good luck on adopting again. I hope you have a short wait. Hugs,

<<and wonder what's the point of continuing with this charade since i seem to be so unwanted.>> As an amother with one open adoption and one that will most likely be mainly closed adoption (not our choice) I just want to say that the point of continuing the charade is that regardless of how the amother or afamily feel--at some point your daughter will value what you did do and that you cared and loved for her all this time. So I say do what you can if for no other reason than to maintain a relationship with her. I wish the amom hadn't done that. I honesty can't see what good it would do--even if it is hard for a while for the others. In the end, love and caring is love and caring and I will be thrilled if my second son is cared for by my first son's birthfamily just as you were caring for your daughter's brothers. I can't give him the same relationship with his family--but that doesn't mean I should deny him a relationship with Ben's family either. If there are hard feelings and sadness then we will work with those.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I think I just need a break - it's been a tough year with my situation - I've had visits but there's not been a lot of love and happyness involved really. Although i try not to expect anything in return but of course i love my bdaughter and it feels like i am being cut loose...which is not what I want so it hurts. But at least I can honestly say that I tried my best in this situation. I guess the amother thinks she's doing the best for her family as well...but I can't help agreeing with 79Nic. Oh BTW looksee1: I've had about eight hours contact with my bdaughter this year...I hardly think that is a huge burden to the afamily so i know that I am not being selfish. That's not even a day with my bdaughter out of 354 day in 2004lol banjo

Just to give you the perspective of an amom, it's not just the hours that you visit that can affect her family. Maybe you've only visited them a few times for just a few hours each, but the boys are angry and upset for a month each time, can't sleep, don't eat, lash out because they can't express themselves, whatever. Maybe they are older (I don't remember if you told us how old they are) and they are getting into trouble. I didn't mean to suggest that you were selfish for wanting to see them, but rather that you didn't seem willing to consider things from her perspective. You said that she seemed to be finding your presence to be "too much trouble" and just wanted a "normal life." Maybe it is a little bit more than just inconvenience that is making it difficult to continue the way things have been. It seems like, in the old days, bmoms were vilified for not caring about their children, being the badguys, etc. Now, at least on this forum, amoms are vilified for being lazy, selfish, etc. if they don't include bmoms in every aspect of their family life. Why can't we find a happy medium? I really think that the pendulum will, and should, come back to center. This is exactly why I don't want to open up to visits with bmom on a routine basis, because it is impossible to change things if the circumstances change without breaking bmom's heart. I truly think it is better to have visits just when the child has questions that only bmom can answer -- however many are needed, no limits, by the way -- instead of a promise of X visits a year, every year. The amom's responsibility is to *all* of her children and her family as a whole, and she has the impossible task of balancing all those needs. The children come first.

I disagree that visits should not happen until the child has questions. As an adoptive mother, I feel that my son will benefit from knowing his birth family from the beginning so that he doesn't notice anything different. When he has questions, he can ask them of friends, his birth family, instead of people he has never met and doesn't know. I hope that this relationship makes him feel more secure in knowing who he is and where he came from and helps him open up and feel free to ask questions. My younger son's adoption is fully open with visits once a month or so. My older son's adoption is semi-open, but the birth mother has not picked up any of the pictures or letters yet. How will this affect him? I don't know, my boys are only one and four. The younger one's birth family has adopted my older son, and he sees them all as his family, so I'm hopeful that when the questions come, he will be able to understand that they were two different types of adoption and that at the time he was adopted, we could not have a fully open adoption due to state laws. I've watched this thread in the hopes of picking up hints of how to handle it if the older boy has problems with not having contact with his birthmother later in his childhood. I can't imagine denying him contact with his younger brother's bio family. As I watch him crawl into laps and pass out hugs and kisses, I realize that they are his family as much as we are. I can't deny him contact with anyone that loves him and treats him well. I can only hope that he doesn't feel left out as he grows older and understands that they are his brother's bio family and that we can't contact his bio family. You are right, the children come first. Peggy