The December dilemma

Well, this doesn't have anything to do with adoption, but my DH isn't Jewish, so we also have December dilemma, made a little easier by the fact that my mom converted to Judaism so I've always had non-Jewish relatives. Our solution last year was to go to my inlaws for Xmas. We didn't talk about Santa but we did exchange gifts. DH and I did Chanukah at home. My family has something we call Hanamas, which is a day, chosen at our convenience, where my parents and we exchange gifts. I should note that we have a fairly Jewish home the rest of the year--we have Shabbat dinner weekly, I host the seder and Rosh Hashana meal and we go to Temple.

Great question, but I really don't have an answer. My husband and I are adopting. Not only is he Catholic and I'm Jewish, but I'm a convert and all of my family is Catholic, too. For years now (in part because of practicalities with traveling over the holidays) my husband and I have celebrated Chanukah with one another at our home and then we celebrate Christmas with extended family. I think that's what we'll continue to do when we have a child. I am wondering how other people in mulit-religious families have gone about raising their children. I know this will be controversial to some, but my husband and I have decided to raise our child with both of our faiths and let them choose how they are going to live out their own faith as they grow older. I know some people say that this won't work, but I've actually seen it work very well with some adults I know who were raised that way. I think what does NOT work well is raising a child without really practicing either faith and then expecting them to make a heartfelt decision. I'm very hesitant, though, about how this will be accepted by my Jewish community. I currently am a member of a Conservative synagogue and I have my doubts about their openness to this. I don't want my child to have to hide anything so may have to find a different community eventually. Any experiences people can share would be very welcome! Devora

Devora I think it depends what you mean by raise the children in both faiths. Are they going to attend Sunday school? If so where? I attend a rather reform congretation and we do have one family that takes the kids to services Friday night and also church on Sunday. But how do you handle the fact that Jesus is central to the Catholic faith and Jews are still waiting for the messiah? My parents were both rather non-practicing, my mom Jewish, father an atheist raised Episcopalian. We celebrated Chanukah, Christman, Passover and sometimes attended High Holiday services with friends or grandparents. But I always thought I was Jewish. I think that what you want can be done but you will need to think a great deal about it ahead of time. Good luck.

Elisabeth, Good questions! We're still trying to figure things out and a lot of it will have to unfold as we go along depending on how our child responds. We will definitely be clear about the differences between our faiths, especially about the very point you bring up about Jesus. We'll try to be positive on both sides: This is what mom believes...This is what dad believes...Here's where they're the same and here's where they're different. In some ways I don't see any way around it since the only alternative is for one of us to "hide" our faith. I would rather our child see what we each gain from it and how we live it out. Right now my husband doesn't attend mass regularly simply because he hasn't found a community where we currently live that really works for him. (He's quite progressive.) So it may be that mass attendance isn't as much of an issue, at least right now. Occasionally we do go to mass with some friends and then I go as well, although my participation is obviously limited. Besides not receiving communion, I say the parts of prayers/songs that I do believe in and don't say the other parts. But I think that can be a model for our child of how you can respect the other faith without fully believing in it. Any other experiences you or others have of what you've found that works or doesn't would be welcome! I realize it's a complicated and challenging situation and don't mind the hard questions -- they help me to think through it. Devora

I'm of the opinion that you can't raise children in two faiths. You can expose them to both faiths and celebrate two sets of holidays, but in order to _have_ faith, parents have to make a choice. The difference between Catholicism and Judiaism are huge when you are discussing something more in depth than whether you celebrate Christmas or not. You simply can't raise them in both because the belief systems are contradictory in hundreds of ways. For example, funeral rites are completely contradictory. Laws that are set forth in the Torah are canceled out according Catholic teaching. The use of iconography and saints and the supremacy of the Pope are idolotry in the eyes of Jewish law. I never would have married DH if being Catholic was important to him. I couldn't have given equal time to a faith that I disagreed with at its very foundation. Even when we thought we didn't want children, I made very sure that if we did, he would agree to raise them Jewish. And despite that agreement, it turned out we had different ideas of what "raising them Jewish" meant--we had to do a lot of negotiating in the beginning. Perhaps you and your husband could compromise--lots of mixed marriage families choose to become Unitarians.

I don't know if this will help. I was adopted as a child my b-day falls on x-mas but my adoptive parents are Jewish. My bio parents are not. but I was adopted as a baby. My adoptive parents raised me jewish. At x-mas if we were home we only did Han. and b-day gifts. If we were away my parents would have a tree but it was not called an x-mas tree it was a Han. bush. My aparents would not have a x-mas tree under their roof. My sister who is their bio. child also celebrated with us. Now that she has her own family and her husband is Jewish they do not do x-mas at all. I on the other hand still do both my husband is not Jewish and we really just want are kids to experience it all. Then they can make a choice of their own. Just my experience. Good luck on yours. Alexi

Spaypets, I see where you're coming from on the challenges of raising a child with two faiths that are so contradictory at a core level. However, I'm curious about your comment about becoming Unitarians. I'm familiar with the Unitarian perspective, but feel like that would require us giving up our own faiths and raising our child within a tradition that doesn't belong to either one of us. Could you say more about why you see Unitarianism as being a better alternative? Thanks, Devora

I am not Jewish, but I read your post, and the plan sounds good...... "We are thinking of stressing Chanukah and having stockings (and a tree for the first year or two) only on Christmas" Many foster children do not have a set of religious beliefs, or follow the ones set by their current foster family. A younger child will ultimately want to be like you, and follow your faith. Even if you have an older child that wishes to remain Christian in his belief, he will still want to follow the family traditions you establish.

Devorah, When I was in college (in Montana) I attended and was active in, the Unitarian fellowship. I even attended the annual gathering one year and flew to DC to attend a gay and lesbian Unitarian meeting. From all of that, I found that it was easy to be Jewish and active with the Unitarians, they even have a group for Unitarian Jews. The Unitarian faith is so broad, it can encompase many faiths. I am not saying this is what you should do, just what my experience was. Our fson moves in tomorrow!

1of2moms explained well how being a Unitarian allows everyone to embrace their own traditions while continuing to worship as a family. It's a little like Buddism--it can be an over lay for both your faiths without you having to abandon your religions. I guess my point is that by raising your child in both faiths you will give up both faiths. Better to find an acceptable middle ground. Now, I completely understand if you don't find Unitariansim acceptable -- I would have great difficulty attending any church -- even one as theologically similar as the Unitarians. But it is a solution for many mixed families.

I can understand the desire for a compromise and I guess that Unitarianism does indeed do that. But to be a Jew means to have a real, active relationship with G-d, does it not? I have always felt that to be Unitarian meant to have a relationship with only To Whom It May Concern.

I agree, but isn't that what will happen if one tries to raise a child "in two faiths?" It simply can't be done. The Catholic view of one's relationship with G-d and the Jewish one are radically different.

And sometimes Unitarians turn out to become religious Jews--like my husband and me who were both raised in the Unitarian church and converted to Judaism (orthodox style)! Yael