Why would an adoptee not want to find bparents?

Scarlet -- I hear ya....but from the other side of the coin. :) I wonder why some birthparents don't consider how their child might feel. My birthmom denied contact with me just over two years ago. She wouldn't even agree to accept a letter or picture from me....nor did she even inquire about my health and well-being. She would provide no health history, nor would she provide information about my birthfather. In short, she filed papers with the state, within 48 hours of my CI's contact, stipulating that there was never to be any information provided to me, EVER. It would have been nice to receive a picture....or a letter.....or even an explaination as to why contact wasn't something she was emotionally capable of accepting. Instead, I got nothing -- except a bill from the state for nearly $400. :rolleyes: I eventually discovered her whereabouts, on my own, a few months later, and was shocked to discover that she was living less than ten miles from me -- and had been most of my life. I sent her a letter -- it's here, on the forum, somewhere......and I've been told it was one of the most moving, heartfelt letters people have ever read......but still, even then, knowing I was just down the road, so to speak, she didn't even acknowledge receiving it. I have contact with one of my birth cousins, and I've come to understand, over the years, that my birthmom just isn't in a position, emotionally, to face her past -- let alone, bring the past into her present world. The events of my conception and birth were a lifetime ago....and over the last 40 years, she's built a life for herself -- a life with children, and grandchildren who have no idea I exist. I respect her for her decisions....and I don't believe they were easy ones. It would have been nice, tho, if she would have given me something....just one little shred of something from her, that I could have, just for me -- a kind word....a picture....a letter.... I wouldn't have divulged her "secret"......she didn't have to tell a soul........ But I am a firm believer in the fact that she doesn't owe me anything -- she gave me my life, and if my silence is the only gift I can give to her, in return, then I give it freely, and with love. Hugs, Sally

Also adoption, I think is not a dirty word, it's about love for one child and giving that child more love to another family that can take better care of that child. I have my bdaughters biological sister and half brother and I didn't throw away my first born just to keep the other 2 children I have. I dont think that's a normal human being thoughts. I myself just got a little older and got married too young @18. Was divorced by the time I was 22 and in that time came her sister. Basically for the first 7 or 8 years of her life my ex mother- in- law raised her at 19 I thought I was ready to be a mom. I'm going on 36 now and I think I 'm definitely a good mom to my children now than I would of been when I was 16 or even 19.I am in a good place now in my life and I hope and pray my bdaughter doesn't think badly of me or think I just gave her away. There hasn't been to many days in 19 years that I haven't thought of her .

You probably have no idea what happened in her life in that time of when she got preganant with you and maybe never will. I hope that you had a wonderful life growing up and I 'm sure your aparents loved you with all their heart. Maybe one day you will find some kind of closer for this. God Bless!!

Sally-- ((HUGS)) I'm so sorry that you weren't able to find out something.......my heart aches for you :( It sounds like you have reached a place of acceptance about it, and no she doesn't owe you anything.......BUT........it would have been REALLY nice of her to at least acknowledge your existance.........even privately through the CI :rolleyes: No easy answers that's for sure, I don't think I'll ever understand all the idiosychrises of adoption.......LOL

Find Crystal -- I just wanted to give you a hug.....((((HUG)))) I'm from Indiana, too.....about 40 miles east of Indy....and I always feel we Hoosiers need to stick together. :D You know....I wish the situation had turned out differently with my birthmom -- but I have never faulted her for anything....ever. I never felt like she "threw me away" just to keep my siblings -- to the contrary - I always hoped she went on to have other children. I couldn't stand the thought that there might not be someone there to bring her flowers for Mother's Day, so she could feel special. I always dreamed that she had children all around her Christmas Tree on Christmas morning, to bring her that magic that only children can bring to Christmas. I wanted her to have everything that children can bring to a mother's life.....and thinking that she might not have gone on to have other children was just a thought I could not bear. I was SO thankful to find that she had three children.....my sister was born only 14 months after I was -- and I have two brothers who are just a few years behind me, as well. Her life was filled with the joys of her children -- and now, she has seven grandchildren who are a huge part of her life. Her Mother's Days are special, and her tree will never be without children around it, to keep the magic alive. I could never think badly of my birthmom for making the decision to place me for adoption -- I always hoped she did it for herself, as well as for me. I never wanted her to worry....or feel guilty....or sad -- that's part of why I attempted contact. I wanted her to know that there was never one day in my entire life that I faulted her in any way....that I have had an amazing life, and have never taken a moment of it for granted. I worried that she might need to know those things, to put her mind and heart at peace........but I was wrong about that. It's all okay, tho...........and I love her even more, for it. She is a strong woman, and she is doing what she needs to do....for herself, and her family. Her life has not been an easy one -- but she's perservered. She's a survivor. Hugs, Sally

Scarlet -- Yes, it would have been nice for her to acknowledge my existence....that was really important to me, for awhile. But time has a way of changing the way a person looks at things, and I see things a lot differently now. My birthmom acknowledged my existence by choosing to bring me into this world. That is the most important acknowledgement -- because I am here to experience my journey. I've lived 40 years worth of an amazing life, and I know the next 40 will be even more amazing. Crystal -- I don't worry about closure anymore.....I've found it! ;) I may never hear about it in her own words.....but I know enough to understand -- and I know she did the right thing. :) I can promise you that no little girl was ever loved more!!! ;) Hugs, Sally

You really have a wonderful way of expressing yourself, I dont think I have ever heard anyone explain the way they feel about their experience with adoption with such nice words. It made the hair on my arms stand up!!! You have made me feel better and will save your e-mail for inspiration. Thank You!!!! Leanne

Thank you for your kind words, Leanne! :D Hugs, Sally

Shirleyville, You are amazing!! If my second daughter would comment, her comments would be the same as yours. She was adopted 27 years ago. She is at peace with the life she has. She has no desire to search at this point. She feels God gave her just the parents she needed. She is content. I told her I would support her in her search whenever she felt the desire. She never had a hole in her heart as my 3 other girls experience. She knows who she is and is comfortable with herself. I am blessed. I am blessed with all my 4 girls. Thanks for posting.

No I do not feel rejected by her. I honestly believe she does not want contact she has been by my house she has looked me staight in the eye and walked away she has pointed me out to other b relatives of which there areseveral in town. So as far as I am concerned the only person I will have contact with is my halfbro hhe is the one who made the effort to find me if he wants to pass info on to her thats fine. If at some point she wants to step up to the plate i will be civil but she will also know that she gave me up to a hard life of tied to farm work and not being allowed to go out like other kidsand being left out of things that were only for "family". This is my life I can't go back I can only go forward

My mum's best friend adopted two boys as babies, now aged 31 and 27, and neither of them had any interest in finding their birth parents. I think they appreciate the birth parents for giving them life, but acknowledge their adoptive parents as being their only "real" parents.

Adoption affects everyone differently. My 26 year old has no desire to search and is completely happy with her adoptive family. My oldest has told us that we are her parents and she loves us but she chooses to live with her birthfamily and have very little contact with us. It's hard to believe she loves us when she distances herself from us and misses very important family celebrations. It is good to see all the different affects of adoption so we are all prepared to some degree. I never in my life would have thought my daughter would do this. I thought if I loved her and nurture her and give her many wonderful opportunities she would be want to be with us. She told me it wasn't enough. The hole in her heart was tooooo big to fill. It may not even be all adoption issues. It may just be her outlook on life. She chooses to be miserable.

I was born May 23, 1986 and my mom never lied about the adoption. However, when I exspressed my want to find my bio parents she became very veg and wouldnt help me. I'm 19 now and still searching, on my own. I have had no luck and my hope is dwindelling. I need to find my bio parents to know who I am, to see who I look like and who I take after. I also have an older sister that I want to meet. My mom adopted my as a single parent and I have never to this day, had a dad. That has created alot of problems for me. I guess I have excepted the fact that I am the bastered child that no one talkes about or brings up.

My daughter found her birthparents and is living with them. She sees who she looks like and spends all her time with them. Guess what??? She is STILL NOT HAPPY!! She CHOOSES to stay miserable and unhappy. Brenda, It is sad that you see yourself as a bastard child that no one talks about or brings up. I am sure that is not the case. Choose a more positive attitude. You are a special person. You can CHOOSE to love who you are or CHOOSE to be miserable. And yes, you do know who you are! You know your likes and dislikes, your interests, your hobbies and you are a part of your adoptive mom too! Celebrate life! Someday you will find your birthfamily but for now.............love yourself.

Right now, my husband and I are paparents. Sally, I just want you to know that I hope whatever angel God sends us will feel as loved as you do by your aparents. You obvious have a heart filled with love and that is a true testament to how you were raised. Your post was so uplifting to me. Good luck to you and please know that your post has affected in a positive way people that you don't even know! Suzanne