Our relationship: a case for openness

Some of you know that I placed my daugther, Marie, for adoption in the summer of 2001. Marie turned three years old this June (three days after my birthday, one day after my dad's). She's growing and thriving and becoming a beautiful little girl. I just wanted to take a few minutes and describe the relationship I have with Marie and her family.... D and Y were comfortable with open adoption from the very beginning (even though Marie was their first child). In her college years, Y was an intern as a birthmother counselor. Perhaps this made her especially sensitive to the "birthparent experience", but I suspect it is just her gracious, loving nature. In any case, D and Y invited my parents and me to their house before I'd even chosen them. They welcomed us with open arms. D baked cookies; we took a walk around their neighborhood; they showed us the room that would become a nursery; we went out for dinner together. I knew their last name, address, and neighborhood right away. On placement day, there was a point early in the ceremony that called for me to place Marie in Y's arms. I couldn't do it-- not at that point. It was too early. I couldn't sit through the rest of the ceremony empty-handed. I thought, "They get to have her the rest of their lives, can't I have a few more minutes?" So I actually said to the director, when she told me to give Marie to Y, "Do I have to?" It was as if Y knew my heart. She quickly jumped in before the director could say anything and told me to keep holding her. Photography is a hobby of Y's. (Yes, I am truly blessed!) She could probably make a living at it, if she wanted: she has a way of capturing moments, of taking the most amazing black and white portraits, of showing true feeling in her pictures. So when the pictures of Marie started coming, they were amazing: gorgeous, clear, close-ups that showed Marie smiling, laughing, playing with cousins, or looking lovingly at D, her daddy. Y once told me that she'd heard other adoptive moms send birthmoms the worst photos on purpose, so that the birthmoms won't miss their child so much. (!) Not Y... she (correctly, by the way) instinctively knew that such wonderful pictures could only make me feel better. On Marie's christening day, I met many of D and Y's extended family members: Y sisters and parents, D's parents. They, too, welcomed me with open arms. Y's father (a pastor) performed the christening, and I and my family stood at the front of the church with D and Y and Marie. Y was the first person to tell me about "Birthmother's Day." And on that Mother's Day weekend, she sent me a card and a gift-- a chain necklace with a heart on it. When I got married 16 months after Marie was born, D and Y and Marie walked down the aisle, too-- as my "family of honor." In our wedding albums there is a picture of my whole family: me and Matt, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, sister. D and Y and Marie are in that picture, too. Before D and Y adopted their second, Maya, they thought hard. Maya's mom wanted a closed adoption. They were concerned about how this might be difficult for Maya. They decided to adopt anyway, and have written a letter (left at the agency office) for her birthmom, telling her that if she ever changes her mind and wants to see Maya, she's welcome. When I got pregnant with Elise, D and Y got her a gift..... and again when she was born. They were so excited to have a "another" little girl in the "family." This summer, D and Y and Marie and Maya all went on vacation, to the beach, with my family. I know not everyone is comfortable with open adoptions. I know there are situations that call for less openness. I am not trying to make anyone who's not ready to commit to this kind of openness feel badly. But I just wanted to share our story, to let people know that it CAN work. I know there are birthmothers out there who've abused drugs or alcohol while pregnant, or are immature, or might give you pause about an open adoption for some reason. This is natural, and I imagine, if I were ever to adopt, that those things might make me a bit less comfortable with openness, too. But a birthmother is just another person. What are the chances that the store clerk, who takes down your address and phone number on the check you just wrote, is going to use that information to come to your house and hurt your family? Pretty slim, right? What are the chances a birthmom would do it? Also pretty slim. D and Y are like extended family to us. We genuinely care about each other (not just Marie). And Marie is growing up with an abundance of love around her. We sometimes say that, in a way, she's lucky: most children have only two sides to their extended family: she has three. Nicole