now what???

I think you will find most people feel a letter is the best way to make that initial contact.....the person who receives the letter then has time to really think through their response. Phone calls tend to put you on the spot and with the nature of the phone call it will catch her unawares. I know some people voice concern about the letter maybe being open by someone other than who it was intended for ( I have never opened someone elses mail but I have heard that some people do) Some people chose to have the letter registered so it is signed for by the recipient. The only other thing I can think of is having a trusted friend make the first call on your behalf. If its a third party it may make it easier for your birthmom and they can guage her reaction....if it seems to be ok they could maybe set up a date and time where you could call her - you don't know her circumstances so you don't want to put her in a spot by calling at a time that might be difficult for her. Its important that when the phone call is made one of the first questions should be " is this a good time for you to talk" I think most adoptees respect their birthmothers feelings and the last thing we want to do is push contact onto them if its not want they want. I was terrified of what I might find but you know what, it was worth taking the risk....much better to know...even if it wasn't favourable. As it turned out my birthparents wanted contact as much as I did, I was fortunate...for others the end result was not so good...but at least now they know. Go on, take that first step...there is plenty of support here regardless of the outcome and like everything in life - nothing ventured, nothing gained. Best Wishes Richard and keep us posted:)

thanks for the good advice.i was worried about sending a letter but registered post sounds like a really good idea as does the third party approach.by coincedence my sister lives in the same city as my birth mum.my sister has found her birth mum and did offer to mediate for me.after reading what you said i will see if she could do that.the only thought i had was how can you prepare someone to be contacted out of the blue after 43 yrs.you cant i know but will do it and keep you posted richard

Hi Richard, I'll give you a point of view from a birthparent. Well, the sister of a birthparent. My brother told me yesterday that he has a son that was adopted in New Zealand 32 years ago. I was shocked and thrilled at the same time. Disappointed he hadn't told me years ago. Drastic circumstances have made him realize - with urgency - that he wants to find this man. I am thrilled to have the job of searching. There is a 32 year old man out there who doesn't know he has cousins, aunties and uncles and a whole "other" family wanting to love him and share in his life. Do it before it's to late - do it properly so as not to shock or hurt anyone - especially yourself. And I hope you gain much love and knowledge from your discoveries. Good luck, Kirly

Well heres the update.I did contact my birth mother.Her reply was very brief. Quote "yes thats me.What do you want to happen know?" I replyed to her and have heard nothing for a week. I didnt ask her for anything i just explained why i contacted her and to let her know i was out here somewhere. Sort of feel dissapointed but have left it up to her as to any more contact. Thanks for the advise. I am glad i did contact her Richard

I sit here and read your text and am stunned. As someone who is searching I just can't comprehend the reply you got. Was there any emotion at all. Maybe she was in a bit of shock!! Maybe she just needs time to sort out her personal issues before she gets back to you. I have read so many posts made by adoptees and I can feel your devastation after all the searching and anticipation, nerves and the fact you finally find her ..... and then nothing happens. I can only hope that perhaps she will come around or that you have wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles - just like the person I am searching for - who will welcome you with open arms. Am thinking of you, Kirly

Why are you stunned? Rick had no burning desire to meet her either.

I am stunned because coming from my end - which the end that is spending hours everyday on the internet and phone searching for someone I think it would be sooooo wonderful to be approached. I could imagine people would have alot to say - either wonderful or negative - but just not nothing!!!!

From the perspective of someone on the outside. This is my own philosophy on life. We all have situations that are momentous in our lives, or maybe only miniscule, whatever, they are still situations that have importance and significance to OURSELVES. We get excited or down. When we approach other people about these situations, we often have an expectation of how they will react. We blurt out our worries or excitements. In the meantime, maybe the person we have approached is having a crappy day/sad day/I just want to go to bed day/the kids won't stop arguing/a bill has final notice on it/the cat dies etc. The news that is so important to us, means diddly squat to them. We get them on the phone or in the room and they say "oh, right..." We are crushed. You know, it's that first response, they may come right a few minutes into the conversation, but we still hang on to the first few words they said, and more importantly, the tone of what they said. They may not mean to sound that way, but hey, they've got things going on in their lives too. Surprise to us, we are not the centre of everyone else's universe (speaking kindly here). I just mean that sometimes, as has been said, all is not fun in the other person's life either, you might find that after a few days they come back with a totally opposite reaction. Also, some people find it really hard to articulate what or how they feel about things. Unless you are looking someone in the eye, and have the time to sit down together, it can be really hard to pinpoint exactly what is going on. Enough waffle from me. I hope I don't sound too off my trolley!! Do you get my drift? Kat

I believe I put your 5 paragraphs into one sentence in my original reply to rick when I said "Maybe she was in shock or just needs to sort out her personal issues before she gets back to you" Man, no wonder no one ever posts in here - I just wanted to give him someone to talk too as nobody ever seems to reply to anything in here. Even though Rick said he didn't originally have a burning desire to find his birthmother - read between the lines and see he sounded hurt. I know what it is like to check these boards constantly for a reply and always there is nothing. Let's turn this back around to Rick shall we. Thanks guys, Kirly

Okay, let's not get antsy. AS YOU SAID, it's hard enough around here to get a reply, without getting shirty at each other. AS YOU AND I BOTH SAID basically we are all at different places in our lives. Sometimes it can be difficult to imagine at 23 or 32 the life of someone at 52 or 62, and the other way around. The generation gap. We are not always going to be agreed with. Tootles Kat

HI I have sent you a PM.

hi everyone.update time.since my last post i have heard nothing at all from my mum.I thought leaving things for a few weeks would give her time to reply if she wanted too.Thats ok if she didnt want to have any contact.Time tells me she didnt but would rather have her just tell me that instead of checking my email all the time.Then at least i would know.Thanks for the support and emails.I hope you all find who you are looking for and it works out well. Richard