LDS Family Services?

Hi. I'm an adoptive mom and I know you weren't looking to talk to an adoptive parent, but I wanted to point you to a couple of avenues that might be helpful to you. For starters, LDSFS actually has a support group of women who help each other. Some have parented their children and some have chosen adoption. If you haven't been to any of these meetings, ask them if they have them in your area (most of the agencies do). My children's birthparents found it extrememly helpful in deciding. Talking to someone who has placed through the agency with the new policies should help answer some of your questions plus be able to relate to what you are feeling. That's worth it's wait in gold. <grin> Second, there is a group at [url]http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ldsbirthmoms/[/url] Several people in this group have placed through LDSFS and might also be a good resource for you. It's not a very active group, but I've noticed when someone posts they usually answer so hopefully they'll be able to answer some of your questions there too. I hope these resources help you find the answers you are looking for. If you have any questions for someone on the other side of the triad, feel free to drop me a note. Good luck! Hugs, Heidi hoping4two@hotmail.com

Heidi, thanks for your reply. Let me explain a little more. When I went the the LDS website and emailed this couple I didn't know that it was directed through a third party. When I found out it was I wasn't too surprised. I've emailed back and forth with this couple and wanted to share pictures with them. I was told that I could send my online photo album of me and my son, but doing this requires an email address. So I spent time trying to get pictures to them several different ways, to my knowledge the caseworker has seen them but not the adoptive couple. I knew I wanted an open adoption so I emailed the adoptive couple and the caseworker and told them I needed to move forward elsewhere. They asked before I did, that I talk with them on the phone and that the agency does do open adoptions. I talked with the caseworker and shared my views and he said that he would have to talk to his supervisor. So then the next day I talked with them on the phone and fell in love with them. When I asked that the adoptive couple have my phone and email address I was told to wait. Okay, so I've waited. I'm due in four weeks and want to get to know this adoptive couple. I worry and wonder if the third party is on vacation or if the adoptive couple likes me or not. I find myself wanting to call and ask simple questions. I don't think highly of men right now so talking to the adoptive mother with two men on the phone is not comfortable even though I try to not let it bother me. I was just curious what open adoption means to LDS Family Services. I've been invited to attend the support group here in my area on Wednesday. I wish I had more than four weeks, but thats what I have to work with. Okay, so this is wordy. Sorry, I'm just frustrated.

Hi. I am so frustrated. I have typed you a response 3 times and it doesn't "show" and I don't know why! UGH. So I'm trying with a short one this time.....here's to hoping! It sounds like you are running into a technical snag....the policies with LDSFS have changed drastically in the last 6 years and some workers are still trying to "grasp" how these changes work. (Sounds like the worker is unsure of policy if he is asking his supervisor. Is he a new worker?) What I would do is send an email to the couple and tell them what type of contact you would like and ask them what they want. Then ask them if they aren't comfortable with something you suggest that they tell you "what" they are comfortable with. This way you can all work on an agreement that will work for both you and the adoptive couple. I would also send them your email address and state your concerns to them about the delay in a third party because of vacation, illness, etc. Let them know you are concerned because you aren't sure when/if they are getting your responses and ask them if they are willing to exchange email addresses. (YES -the agency DOES allow this!!!! Just ask!) Lastly, I would ask them to respond as soon as possible because of the short time until your due date. Once you get their information, you can make a decision to see if this is the right "family" for you. <grin> Open adoption through LDSFS is just that. It can be as open as you and the adoptive couple BOTH want. I have emailed back and forth directly with potential birthmoms and the agency has had no problem with that. It may just be the worker is "newer" to these changes and is still trying to "learn" what it means. Good luck! Hugs, Heidi

Thanks for your response. I think I'm more frustrated now. LOL. Just kidding. I have no clue if the caseworker's new or not. He seems nice and wants things to work. I've explained, through email, my ideal adoption plan. The adoptive famiy's open to everything. The caseworker said we could open it up. So when we were all on the phone I asked that they get my number and that's when I was told to wait again. When the adoptive couple hung up and I remained on the line with the caseworker and that's when he said after we match then we'll be able to exchange everything. He asked if I was okay with that. What am I supposed to say? I'm not okay with it because I'd not have been asking all along to exchange email addresses. I was willing to try and compromise but it's killing me. I think it's causing too much stress. I told him they're the only couple I am talking to and that I felt if I said I wanted to match that I'd be doing it just to exchange information. It almost seems like I need to sign on a dotted line. I have an appointment with LDS Family Services this coming week here where I live. So it's another week of frustration. How can you match with a couple only having one phone conversation? I'd love the opportunity to talk on the phone without feeling like there's a time crunch. Working with four schedules and two time zones isn't the easiest. I can't share my email address because the third party pulls it out before the email is forwarded. Okay, I should go. It's been a long frustrated weekend of waiting. I just emailed the caseworker and let him know that I need to stay true to my heart and find a situation that I feel happy, comfortable and content with.

I am so sorry you are feeling this frustrated. Fortunately it isn't always this frustrating. <grin> I have a couple other suggestions if you would like to drop me an email. Hugs, Heidi hoping4two@hotmail.com

Can you ask for another phone conversation? I know that this may not be the ideal situation. It sounds like they are trying to protect the perspective adoptive couple from getting their hopes up and then not being chosen. As an adoptive mom I can see why they do this though I may not agree. The emotions in these situations can be very fragile on both sides. Speaking on the adoptive mother side it is extremely hard to wait for so long and then have an adoption fall through. It sounds like the agency is trying to get a commitment from you to preserve the feelings of both parties involved. Also, if you are uncomfortable with the male social worker you are dealing with,have you asked to deal with a female social worker. I am sure that they would understand given the situation. The LDSFS office that we went through had a woman that dealt mainly with all of the birthmothers. They are there to help you so if you are not feeling that your needs are being met than I would say something. They want what is best for you. I wish you the best! Emme Las Vegas, NV 1ds-LDSFS 2002

I gave birth to a boy, on may 22. placed the 25th the adoption was finialized two days ago. my email address is Stephanielyons@gmail.com what would you like to know?

I met my couple once before the placement. exchanged many letters... I invited them to the hospital after I gave birth Lds adoptions are.... before they are finalized you cant see them or the baby, every letter, gift, message is sent through your worker. The good thing about going though an lds agency is: the families are all lds... meaning that your child will have both parents, good morals....etc. I suggest you make a quilt. btw. I've made plans to have lunch with my adoptive couple, and "my" son on christmas eve. now that its finalized... make sure you ask: if something should happen to them...whats their plan for their children? when to start solids? Is the adoptive mom willing to induce lactation? (breastfeed) is there any "skellitons" in the closet? get things in WRITING... love, steph

Hello there! I am another adoptive mom and hope I'm not nosing in here! I also happen to be a birthmom volunteer, so I felt like maybe I could answer a few of your questions. Our adoption went through LDS in January 2003. As it was explained to us, the policy at that time was that you had contact through the agency until finalization. After that, it was up to the adoptive family and the birth family what they chose to do. After finalization, it could be as open or as closed as wanted, as long as both parties agreed. At that time, too, if a family had over 2 kids, they couldn't be in the profile book that was showed to potential birthparents. People of the LDS faith adore children and families - I think the policy was to give preference to families who had not yet had the blessing of raising children. Anyway, at the time, we had 2 sons and had just lost our daughter due to birth defects. We had prayed about it and knew it our hearts that our next child would come to our family through adoption. Because we couldn't be "in the book," we had to match ourselves with a birthmother on our own. We were overwhelmed because we did not know how to even go about letting people know we wanted to adopt. My husband was the bishop (pastor) in our ward (congregation) at the time. Shortly after my first daughter died, a family in our congregation found out that someone in their extended family was expecting and was planning on placing the baby for adoption. They told the prospective birthmother about us. They called us a few weeks later. We hit it off at once! However, because my husband had been the bishop, the young woman obviously knew (or could easily find out) our name, address, where we lived, etc. That didn't bother us at all - we adore her, but I suspected that might be a problem with LDSFS. It wasn't at all. We were a designated adoption, meaning we found each other and then went to LDSFS to process the paperwork and handle the adoption. We agreed to follow the rules until finalization (contact through the agency) and that lasted about 9 months in our case. In our situation, that was probably such a blessing. We adore our daughter's birthmother (and when I say "adore" - I mean ADORE!! <grin!>). To have had direct contact during the initial stages may have hurt our relationship. She would be grieving and we would be ecstatic while bonding. I am afraid it would have allowed for miscommunication and/or hurt feelings just because of the intensity of emotions on both sides. (I'm not speaking for anyone else here....just our case). During that time, we sent letters, pictures, cards, so that she could look at them when it was comfortable for her. We always followed through with what we promised. Then, after finalization, we were free to talk on the phone and exchange all the information. At that point, we were able to begin the next phase of our wonderful relationship. For us, I think the initial period where communication went through the agency was a real blessing for all involved. Looking back, it was a blessing for our daughter's birthmother and for us. It actually allowed for more openness later than the other way around. It's been 2 years now and we continue to absolutely adore our daughter's birthmother. We are in the process of trying to adopt again - our profile is on LDSFS and we're waiting for it to go up on adoption.com - Now that we are adopting again, we have found LDSFS to be much more open. (We can even be "in the book" and on the site now! WOO HOO!) It's my understanding that adoptions can even happen in the same locale where the parties know each other. It's not preferred, but it can happen. And the truth is, you are the birthmother and you can tell them what you need. It sounds like you have been good at expressing what is important to you. That is so important. Everyone involved should be making this as easy as possible on you - in a loving way, you need to make sure you continue to express your ideas and thoughts. Also, depending on where you are, you should have lots of support at LDSFS. A counselor should be available to you and, after placement, you should have access to life long free counseling. In our area, because we are farther from our main office, we have birth parent volunteers. As I said, I am a volunteer, partly as a tribute to my daughter's birthmother. I feel like each time I serve another birthmom, I am honoring her. I get to go meet with birthmoms, take them to lunch, talk with them, just be a friendly listening ear. If a birthmom is interested, it's my job to help her find community resources to meet her needs. So, feel free to let the counselor know what you need and then ask for a list of resources available to you. If there is a counselor you do not feel comfortable with, you can explain that you would feel more comfortable working with a female. They will completely understand. Without being too long winded, I wanted to also say - in the end, you are making this wonderful sacrifice for your baby. If this is the family that feels right and brings you peace, please find a way to do it. Let them know how you feel. Ask for a different counselor if that is what you need. Please don't give up - it's so natural that you are extremely frustrated because anyone would be in this situation - but, if this is the family that feels "right," please give it every chance to work. And, finally, to be a couple in the LDSFS system, you have to have to keep your commitments. I don't want to speak for everybody, but, most of the time, you can count on honesty and respect. If this couple is an honest LDS couple, they will likely be honest with what level of openness they would want after the initial period. I hope I've helped a bit. I know I have rambled alot, too. But, as I read your post, so many thoughts came to mind. And, I know I promised to close, but I just want to end on a personal note: Birthmoms are some of my greatest heroes (not just my heroes, but the heroes of about every adoptive mom I know!). Without exception, every woman I have ever met who has placed a child for adoption has done so with courage, strength, love, and lots of tears. To place your child's needs about your own is the truest form of a mother's love. Tonight, I will say a special prayer for you that you can know what to do and have peace in your decision. You are the special mother of this child. If you want it and seek it, you are entitled to Heavenly Father's help as you make decisions for your child. I know you are one of his precious daughters and that he will be with you. Know that you are not alone. Know that there are many who admire you, without even knowing you. And, know that our prayers are with you! With lots of love, Michele PS If you want some help talking to the counselor, please feel free send me a personal message - We are very close with our counselor here - who is awesome - and would be willing to help you explain the feelings of your heart without you having to do it all yourself. When there's help, there's hope!