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My epiphany
For all of you who can't understand why anyone would NOT want an open adoption, I just found a way to explain it.
Have you ever lost someone you would give anything in the world to spend one more day with? What would you do when that day was over? So many people think that open adoption is this great idea because the b-parents still get to see the baby and know that he/ she is safe and loves them and on and on and on....
For the a-parents who were there when the b-parents relinquished, do you remember what it was like? I'm sure there was lots of crying and doubt and all of that.... these people are losing their baby. But worse than that, they keep losing them... over and over and over every time the "wonderful" visits end. Once a week, once a month, once a year, whatever; we as b-parents are forced to repeat the grief cycle all over again.... we give away our baby all over again... even if, DEEP down, we know we are doing the right thing, it still really sucks.
Don't get me wrong, I love Jake and I am happy that I can know he is safe and all that, but these visits really suck.
I'm not trying to condone open adoption... just trying to give you a glimpse into OUR side of the story.
Just something to think about
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So many people think that open adoption is this great idea because the b-parents still get to see the baby and know that he/ she is safe and loves them and on and on and on....
aj,
You're right... so many people DO think this. Many, many people seem to think open adoption is done for the benefit of the bmom.
However, as a bmom with an open adoption, who has experienced those agonizing goodbyes you talk about after visits... as a bmom who wanted to hide in her bed, buried under the pillows, for three days after each visit... as a bmom who had to back away for a few months after about a year and a half...
As that bmom, I still would NEVER choose a closed adoption.
I can understand why some bmoms choose closed, and I'm not condemning them. But for me... open adoption is NOT about what's best for me. It's about what's best for the precious little girl I brought into this world. It's about my responsibility, as a birthPARENT, to her.
When Marie looks at pictures of her baptism day, it won't matter that I cried that night... it will only matter that I am in those pictures, that I was there for her on such a special day.
When Marie has questions about her birthfather, it won't matter that I cringe internally a little at the memory... it will only matter that I can answer her questions.
When Marie wants to know who her birth siblings are, it won't matter that, as I watch my baby girl, Elise, grow up, I smile sadly and realize all the milestones I missed with Marie... it will only matter that Elise and Marie can have a relationship.
Believe me, I totally hear where you're coming from. There are times I want to close it and never look back.
But personally, I believe Marie will benefit from the openness. And that will make it all worth it. :)
I hope you are doing OK. Didn't mean to preach a sermon... I know open adoptions are not ALWAYS best. And that they can be brutal on the birthfamily.
It sounds like you do have an open adoption.... was your placement recent??? Did you just have a visit? Are you OK?
(((Hugs))).
Nicole
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