Still struggling to face this year's birthday

She turned 10 in April. Most years, I do really well. I think of something special for a present for her. I call her or send a card on her birthday. Some years, I've even been there with her to celebrate her birthday. This year, Cindy choose to take her life on bdaughter's birthday. And, while I didn't know Cindy at all, the pain I can identify with. Yes, we have an open adoption and I have lots of contact with bdaughter. I choose a situation on purpose because of the openness it would provide me, even walking away from one placement when I feared they were being dishonest and I could sense they intended to close the adoption. And, I think that is part of my struggle this year. Everytime I try to deal with her birthday, I think of Cindy. And, everytime I think of Cindy, I remember those two lawyers who were such smooth talkers and so close to walking this child out of my life forever. I didn't really know they would do it. I believed them that they were willing to have an open adoption. But, I just had this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Actually, it was an article in Adoptive Families magazine that caused me to back away from the match. The article said that if you were at all concerned, then get out immediately, not after the child was born, because what control the birthmother has is all before the placement, while she is still pregnant. So, everytime I try to deal with bdaughter's birthday, I realize how close I came to becoming Cindy. And, I realize that I would have done exactly what she did if I had been dealt the hand she was dealt. And, it completely paralyzes me in trying to send the presents to bdaughter. Couple that with the fact that she entered menarche in time for her birthday and I'm still a mess. Her entire life, I knew that I had until she hit menarche to be free of fear for her. Now that she is there, I live in terror that what happened to me will happen to her. I did finally just buy her a present, rather than making what I intended to make for her. But, it sits on top of my microwave now. I can't bring myself to mail it to her, all these months later. She has been incredibly patient. She knows that I'm searching for the 'right' present for her. And, she is waiting patiently. I was going to make her a journal. I bought the cloth and then couldn't bring myself to make it. My mother suggested that I just buy her a nice journal and find a way to get through this year. So, I bought her a beautiful journal. And, I bought her a compliation of poems by the Bronte Sisters. And there they sit, not getting in the mail, and I not having the strength to send them on their way. Meanwhile, she sits and waits and wonders why this year is so different from every other birthday and I don't send her present. I'm not really looking for answers. (Unless someone wants to offer to come take these presents off my microwave and shove them in the mailbox for me.) I just find that I cannot get through this this year. I feel completely inadequate and unable to push through this raw emotion to honor HER on HER birthday. And, I feel so selfish that its become about me for so many months when it so desperately needs to be about her.