whyn do aparents think we dont need to know the kids are ok

Samantha, As an aparent and a member of this forum, I don't think you will find very many of us who believe you should not know how your kids are doing. Quite the contrary!! I think you are some of the most courageous, selfless, loving people ever. I thank God every day for putting women like my bmom on this earth. It is quite unimaginable to me the emotions you guys go through with a decision as tough as this. I, for one hold you in high regards and have the utmost respect for you. I would encourage all bparents and aparents to have some sort of oppenness in their adoption plan. We must all remember, its not about us and our emotions as much as it is about the emotions of this innocent child we are bringing into this world. Sounds like you are a bmom from your post. I hope you get to have some sort of information regarding your biochild and I wish you the best of luck in the future. May God Bless You. Kathy

I am the sister of an adopted brother, and Aparents gave him almost no info and discouraged his questions about his Bmother. Even now, long after Aparents are dead, he feels disloyalty them in letting me search for his Bmother. I think they were feeling insecure and wondering if he might love the Bmother more than them if he found her, not fully realizing the strong unbreakable bond they had with him. It's sad, but I think in their case, their insecurity probably prevented him from ever finding his Bmother. This is probably not true for everyone. I am speaking only for this family. KathyY

Hi Samantha, I can only 2nd what Kathy has already said! As a post reunion birthmother (of a wonderful 21 yr old daughter with wonderful A-parents) AND a professional, I can only tell you that there are VERY few people left in the adoption arena (professionals or triad members) who think that birthmothers don't need to know how their children are! Whoever has given you this information is still in the dark ages. Even 21 yrs ago my daughter's Aparents and I (and my family & birthfather - now husband) realized that contact over the yrs was important to all involved. Back then most professionals didn't understand this but that has changed. Closed adoptions are almost unheard of these days and no agency or professional worth consulting would encourage anything less then a semi-open adoption. I can not begin to express how angry it makes me to hear that there are still "professionals" out there who would condone this inhumane practice!!! A-parents are likely to follow the bad advice of these "professionals" out of fear and ignorance but failure to educate oneself is no excuse! That being said it is still the responsibilty of a good agency to educate adoptive parents about the value and advantages of openness, to weed out families who are not comfortable with this concept and, if nothing else, encourage them to pursue an international adoption instead. They are also responsible to educate birthmothers about parenting and temporary arangments before pursuing adoption and to empower birthmothers to develop an open adoption plan and hold all parties to at least the minimum agreed upon arrangment. So what am I trying to say? Whoever tried to tell you you don't need to know how your child is doesn't know what they are talking about and you should seek better guidance. If you are a birthmother who has had the miss fortune of placing your child in a closed adoption, regretably there is little you can do now. I hope there is some consolation in the knowledge that you made your choice out of a belief that adoption was the best thing for your child at the time. Just because the A-parents don't understand the advantages of openness doesn't make them bad parents. Educate yourself about the advantages of openness so that you can better state your case and look for a way to educate them or whoever is giving them guidance. don't give up. But also be respectful of the fact that they are the parents. They may also need to be reassured that you are not trying to disrupt their lives or role as parents. Rather what you seek is a relationship of mutual respect and compassion with an understanding that your lives are forever intertwined and that maintaining some level of contact can ultimately only benefit all involved especially the child. All the best to you Kim

I am an adoptive dad and frankly, I'd welcome such an inquiry from the birth mom of my son. We used to send her letters and pictures through the agency. But she never picked them up, so we stopped. But we have always made it clear that she can contact us through the agency. Perhaps she will some day, when she is ready. I know it must be hard for her. But eventually, I really would like my son to know her, his brother (also adopted) and two half sisters (who are being raised by their birth mom). I come from a big extended family. And there is always room for a few more.