I was adopted and abused

I'd like to talk to you at some point about ur experience especially if ur a psychologist. I had a bad experience with my adoptive parents. I don't know how to handle it and i still wish to have some for of relationship with them. I'm 18 and about to graduate high school. My e-mail is chanteuse1986@hotmail.com and my sn is chanteuse1986. -Stephanie

Hi, this is the first time I have ever reached out to discuss or even think about the past. I'm almost 34 now and have a 2 year old little girl. I have alot of emotions and depression that I have been dealing with since I finally moved away from my parents. My adoptive parents were 18 and the dad was physically abusive until he left my mom when I was 8. Then my stepfather was a drug user and got my mom into them as well. They are still together and church goers now, but I still have horrified memory's of my childhood, or lack thereof. I have no emotional connection with my adopted mother and she has always made me feel guilty to keep my control. I didn't ever want to hurt her feelings or upset her so I kept it inside which ended up hurting me more. I have a very soft heart and can't always deal with every day decisions or my emotions. I try to keep a positive outlook for my daughter as I never want her to go through what I did growing up. She is what keeps me going! I live in a world of perception. I pretend that everything is okay, especially in my job because no one wants an employee that is emotional unstable, but eventually it catches up to me every couple of years and I go through a really bad depression. I have decided to seek help for my sake and my daughters. I would recommend the same for other adoptee's dealing with the same situation. Good luck and please reply with your comments or suggestions. I could use all the support I can get right now. Thanks a bunch!Adult Adoptee

Vaneesa, I so admire your tenacity and zest for life. Obviously you love life and your daughter so much you are willing to battle through your issues! You are the reason I continue to seek a connection with my biological grandson. Please be encouraged that your past does NOT have to dictate your future. You really can make different decisions about who you are! Just look at what you have done with your life. You seek advice on this thread. You are making plans to get further help. THAT is who you are! Be strong in your understanding of yourself. You have GREAT value and worth. You have purpose for being here far beyond raising your beautiful (I have no doubt) daughter. You keep on going forward. Before you know it those past bouts with depression will be just that, past - forever! Your life has great purpose. Seek it and walk in it! Levigram

I read this thread with interest. Especially the post about abuse even not in adoptive homes. I do agree that that is true. HOWEVER, I think that an adoptive child that is abused has 2 strikes against them. I grew up in an abusive home, both bio parents with a lot of bio siblings. It was hard, painful and horrendous. But I would still feel so much worse had they been adoptive parents. Because being born into a family is not your choice and you know that as much as they abused you, they are your blood and there is a natural bond. Whereas, being adopted out is usually with a 'better life' in mind. It's so much more painful (IMO) to be adopted and have all that happening. It's sort of, you should have a little bit of a choice when you are adopted. I know that if the abuse I endured would have been from adoptive parents, I'd live with a rage that would be impossible to quiet... I do hope you all find some form of closure. The deep pain will always be there and fester. But counseling has definitely helped me a LOT. It has quieted that pain a little bit.

As a birthmom, it is my worst fear that when I find my son, I will find out that he has been in an abusive family. At relinquishment, everyone assured me that he would be in a perfect situation once he got to his new family. At the time, I could only trust what they were telling me. I couldn't hand-select the parents or see into the future. So I just had to trust that the agency had not been deceived by the adopting family, making them think they were a happy loving family when behind closed doors they were abusive and cold. This is my worst nightmare that I pray never comes true. You are all in my prayers, and no one but God knows why you were in the situations like these, but be assured He can, and will use them for His glory one day soon! When I think of my own pain, I just know that He will use it one day to minister to someone else, and that makes it a little easier to endure.

Twin Sis, It is so true that we have a choice. So many people can't see outside the box, they long for what can never be, not realizing just how weak the abusers intellect truly is. Everyone has the right to be free, thus creating the conflict between the victimized child and the abusive parent. I strongly believe that being adopted can be an advantage, in that there is no blood bond, no genetic pre-disposition to a possible mental ailment. Fact- I am not biologically related to the people that I am legally related to ! ! My choice- To live life, without the restrictive bonds of insanity ! ! Freedom is not a choice, it's a birthright ! ! Raymond

I have often wondered how different my life would have/should have been had I not been adopted and abused. ("if I were my brother's biological sister, would he still have brutalized me? If I were my parents natural daughter, would they have protected me?..."). Very normal refections, I am certain, but there's that element of knowing first I was discarded, and then picked from the trash, only to be used by beasts to mop up the beastly mess they made of the floor. I had/have value and worth, only as long as I could be used. I am 36, and still living with this as my daily life existence; use me, just don't discard me. In my most dour moments, I would gain comfort only through the knowledge and reminder of "Thank you, God, for not making me biologically and genetically related to these people." Last year, after finding out all that was told to me about my bparents was lie after lie, I had started my Search. I have subsequently stopped searching for several reasons, all stemming from the fact that I cannot meet my bio-family, and then have to decide if I should or should not Tell Them. It's a no win situation, making me, once again, an outsider who should have had better, but no one looked in the trash before it was tossed-out. Perhaps if someone did, I could have been spared. But that was not the case. Funny, it gives new meaning to : "One man's trash is another man's treasure". Why couldn't I be someone's Treasure? I will never know. I will comment briefly on "all social-economic family situations experience child abuse". Unfortunately, this is very true. However, the adopted child has a further burden. If adoption takes place between the ages of 6 months-2 years of age, the developmental task of learning Trust becomes profoundly disrupted at best, and at worst, an intrinsic MIStrust towards people becomes the foundation of all future relationships. This faulty foundation also makes further emotional development greatly altered and dysfunctioned. This adopted child has never experienced love, trust, and security. [This is the working definition of Reactice Attachment Disorder.] The child who was born into a family, kept by her mommy, and allowed to have that very first task of love, attachment and trust established, is at least equipped to have an intrisic knowledge of love & trust. Damaged, yes, but damange can be fixed. There is no fixing what never existed, in the first place.

Kerry, I'm so sad to read your post. It's horrible when life gives us so little and not a fair chance. Have you tried therapy? That can help with a lot of the pain and lack of trust and all that. It has done wonders for me. It's the most difficult thing to do, but worth it. I can't even imagine the constant pain you must be feeling. I am not an adoptee, nor a birth mother, so I don't know if you should take my advice. I hope that some posters who know better will answer as well. But I would not hold back from finding a birthfamily because of your history. I think that if they are your parents (who are somewhere out there, and might be looking for you and missing you everyday), and siblings, they should know what you've been through. They are your blood relatives and you deserve to be a part of their life. Good luck

[I just happen to be perusing the site & saw a response was made...] Regarding therapy, yes, I have tried various therapists, at various stages of my life. I've found it more frustrating trying to explain to a "professional" my inability to graps key concepts, like "you have to love yourself before finding someone to love you." Of course, that makes intellectual sense, but so does having a mother's love & protection that first year of life, to teach HOW to love. I am forever feeling like I need to defend my perspective, or worse, pretend I am following the therapists suggested behavioral changes. It's not my behavior that needs changing, for that's how I learned how to cope and survive. I need those around me to change their perspective that not all people have a love that can be relied upon and trusted. This is not "sad", it's a fact. In the most simplistic example, when I look at the sky, it appears to be the color green. No matter how often I am told, or suggested, the sky is blue, I will always disagree, because it is without a doubt, green. I know my colors, as when given a test to check for colorblindness, I pass with (yes, bad pun coming...) flying colors. For a person like me - and I'm learning there are many - our closure, peace, hope, or at least survival has its best chances when among others who see a green sky. We know we do not seek sympathy, or cheers of encourgagement. We also do not care to explain all that dwells inside of us, because it tends to make "normal" people cringe with discomfort. Once the source of our Freakish Ways are understood, by ourselves, we simply wish to live a simple life without having to explain or justify why we ARE so freakish. As far as deserving to be among my blood relatives; I have been taught I deserve what I get. Rejection, lonliness, feelings of unworthiness, inabilty to be loved. Seems pointless to put my head on the chopping block, again, to be shown the sword that will sever my mind from my heart. I don't need yet another reminder that I simply do not fit-in, and I do not belong. I have been taught very early, and throughout my life, this very lesson.

Kerry Lynn- I too used to feel the same way you do about not being able to have trust, love, etc. because I was never taught those things as a child. However, that has completely changed for me today. I was able to learn those things through practicing them. Even when I didn't "feel it" I kept trying anyway. Through counseling and some very helpful tools I learned from my therapist I am now in a happy and healthy relationship with my spouse and others. I'm so sorry you are in that dark place, I've been there and it's hell on earth. But please know that there is light on the otherside, we just have to keep reaching for it.

Looks like we posted at the same time and it appears that you have made up your mind to live in a world where the sky is green. I hope that one day you might know the freedom I have found, I'm no longer the freak I thought I was because I did change my behavior which then lead me to change my thinking. I stopped lookiing at other to fullfill my expectations of happiness and started looking within myself to fullfill those things. When I have a problem with someone today I no longer look at what they need to change but what I need to change about myself. That could mean ending the relationship, setting healthier boundaries, speaking up for myself and expressing my feelings instead of waiting for the other person to read my mind about things. I had to act my way into right thinking instead of trying to think my way into right acting. And it has worked for me.

Perhaps I need to clarify my responses; I do not think of myself in the throes of the dark abyss I had always felt I was. I was giving illustration to explain why there IS a difference between the adopted v. the non-adopted abused child. There IS scientific, medical studies (via MRI and brain studies) that objectively prove the difference in brain composition and development of pathways between the two types of suffering. There are also different clinical manifestations, which further support the added need to recognize the complications an adoptee has when seeking treatment through therapy. First and foremost to the success of the therapist/client relationship is the ability and willingness to Trust. For the adoptee who has been relinquished at birth, endured months of unreliable, inconsisitent care (foster, orphanage, multiple care-givers, neglect, etc...), and are then placed in a "home" environment that exposes the young child to further, continued, and sustained abuse - emotional and physical, that road to wellness is fraught with more demons and threats than the path taken by the one who has had a more stable formative period during the 1st two years of life. My darkest days are behind me BECAUSE I've learned that there are those who see the green sky. Having the support, respect and appreciation of others who know first-hand the depth and scope of all the residual harm left behind, the sky can slowly be viewed from a different perspective, and be seen as blue. It has always been difficult for me to relate to another who does not KNOW pain, like I do. That's the Green analogy; I have not been able to respect or trust anyone who has had NOT lived under the green sky. I have had the hand that is supposed to love and provide for me change without warning. Mine has been removed, changed, removed again, then replaced with a hand that hurts, then heals, then abandons all over again, leaving me to fear the very hand that is supposed to teach me consistency and love. It is not enough to be told to Trust, I have to learn HOW to trust. The most effective teacher is the one who has seen the green, and has learned how to see blue. There is great beauty in the discovery of our own selves. For myself, all the traits & qualities I have been taught to loathe and be ashamed of, I am oddly enough most proud and pleased about those traits I have. It's just really important to remember there are those of us who have been shamed, hurt and brutalized for wanting that "human rite" to be free. For the persons who have crossed-over to the Normal-Side, it is a great disservice to the brother/sisterthood of abused adoptees who are left behind, and tell it CAN can done, without showing the proof through personal-testimony. THAT is how we can teach the process how green CAN become blue. I will always be a work in progress. My life is pure wreckage, even now, as I'm finding a way out of a toxic, mentally abusive marriage, with 4 children, and having not a single "family" member to offer any form of support. And yet, I am stronger, more optimistic, and happier I have ever been, because I can share my losses & triumphs with those with similar backgrounds... it is this group of people who know the true magnitude of my small baby steps. The Green Team can win, if given the proper training.

God is the only one who can heal that kind of hurt. Hanging onto it only victimizes you more... your hatred will do nothing, your love will change the world!!!!-- Let God have it all... He is the only one that can handle that kind of pain! Heather from Texas

I along with the other 2 kids that were adopted by my adoptive parents and the 4 or so kids that were foster kids were physically abused by our adoptive mother. I got out of that adoption in 1992, and was put back in the foster system till I left for the Army in 1997.

i was adopted and abused as well - physically and emotionally. i tried to tell adults and friends, but nobody believed me. they told me they were my family, and even if they had done something to hurt me, i should forgive them. and that i should be thankful they adopted me, like i owed my life to them. how dare i think anything less of them.both of my aparents were well liked and respected in their fields (my amother was a nurse and my afather an elementary school teacher). who would ever believe a child was abused by two people in noble professions? they were both so good at acting normal and loving in public, but our home was filled with anger and sadness. both drank heavily and neither one ever gave me the unconditional love that i so needed (and still need today). as an adult, i have gone through life without enduring unconditional love. i try to pretend everything is okay now that i no longer live with them, but fall into bouts of depression and anger and resentment. when i asked to see my adoption file, i was answered with anger and an ultimatum (if i really wanted it, then i would no longer have them). in the end, i chose them. they are the only 'family' i have. it's sad to think that this is what my life has come to. i am so desparate for love that i will accept the very conditional and abusive kind from my aparents. i hope someday to build up enough of a support system so that i can be strong enough to say no to their icky love.i feel so alone.