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My husband and I have been considering adoption. We knew when we got married almost 2 years ago that it was likely to be the only way we'd have children together. (he has 4 children from his previous marriage, this is my first. He's 39 and i'm 31. Only his son (16) lives with us full time, his 3 girls all live with their mother and visit us over the summer.) I have been quite desperate to have children, though i've also been advised agaisnt it for medical reasons, and near the end of my husband's first marriage he had a vasectomy.
Anyway, We have recently found out that one of the young girls in our ward has become pregnant and is due in January. we don't know what she has decided to do as far as keeping the baby or placing for adoption, but when we heard about this, my husband and I both had the same though cross our minds, that here was our baby. Just one big question... how do we approach this girl or her parents about this?
We've more or less decided to start off by talking to our Bishop and finding out if he knows what they are planning to do. We'd really just like to know if they are considering adoption, and if so, would they be willing to consider us?
Mostly it just is helpful to get some of this out of my system and to others who understand the mixed emotions of hoping but not wanting to hope too much... so, thanks for letting me get a bit blubbery...
Davina
Lost in Alaska, waiting with open arms, open heart and a couple fluff balls.....
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I'd proceed very cautiously. I think talking to the Bishop first might be a good idea to find out if she is even considering adoption (Although he shouldn't tell you that for confidentiality reasons, but he can tell her that you're looking to adopt). As a member of the LDS church, who also found myself pregnant at the age of 16, I would have been pretty offended if someone in our ward had approached me wanting my baby. Placing my son for adoption was never even given much of a thought.
If she is considering adoption, what kind of relationship do you have, or are you willing to have with her? Would you be comfortable seeing her every Sunday? It might work out well if she wants a really open adoption, and if you already have some sort of trusting relationship with her.
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I think you should be cautious, but also go with what you are guided to do. Talking to the Bishop, and also maybe the RS pres. just to let them know that you are very interested in adoption might be a wise thing. They know pretty much everything that's going on in the ward, and if they feel it is an ok thing to pass along, I'm sure they would! Good luck
Jen
Davina,
We recently had a similar situation happen to us. For us having the pbirthmom in our ward was a little too close for comfort. It might be really hard on her for you both to be in the same ward and have to attend church every Sunday with everyone asking a million questions, as well as possibly judging her decision. I know that with our case we knew that it was better for the birthmom to place with someone not so close to the situation. I also wanted to be there to help her without the added pressure of trying to convince her we were the family for her baby. The bmom we worked with later admitted that she would have loved to place with us but it would have been too hard for her to be so close. If you can I would help to encourage her to seek counseling from LDSFS. They will help her no matter what her decision. As for our situation the birthmom placed with another couple we knew and it has been awesome to see both sides of the adoption. I know that this might not be what you wanted to hear.
Davina,
I just read your post today and I felt like I might be able to offer a little bit of advice. My situation is totally different, so I can't say "I know exactly how you feel" or anything like that. I just felt like I wanted to tell you to listen to the Lord. He will tell you what to do. And remember that sometimes He puts us in certain "practice" situations to prepare us for the real thing. Just pray and listen to the Spirit, and you'll know what to do.
:)
Amy
That is a tough question and my initial answer is to not interfere at all with her. Mentioning it to the bishop would be okay but this descision affects her, her family, her friends and the whole ward, not to mention you. Be sure you wiegh out what type of adoption you want, define it, what are your boundries, limits, ect. Are you comfortable with the fact that she (and her family) will be so much a part of the baby's life, seeing you every Sunday. It could be very, very hard on her as the birthmother or it could be an amazing blessing.
All I know is that I love my daughters birthmother, I would love an open relationship with her. However, she chose her amount of contact on what she felt she needed/wanted. I respect her decision and I know she wants to meet us all together someday but in her mind it's when my daughter seeks her out. She needed it this way, so I can and must be patient.
The other thing I know is that once a lady in my ward said to me what she told her teenage daughters, and I quote, "If you get pregnant you are giving that baby to the XXX's". While I was flattered I had to think to myself that in that situation I would probably, unless thier prayers and my prayers told me otherwise, to please contact LDS FS for placement with another derseving couple. I am not sure I would feel comfortable in that sitation.
Definitely proceed with caution and prayer.
numbr1dbcksfan-a ward in LDS terminology is your church congregation:)
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As she has not placed that child yet, she is a potential mother, not a birthmother. Respect her as such.
It wouldn't hurt to ask someone in your church (who won't turn around and tell her that people are saying she should place for adoption) to find out what her intentions are.
However, that girl needs to be given all the space and time in the world to come to her own decision, completely uncoerced. Give her that right.
I too would speak with the bishop first and let him guide you.
Our situation is a little different.
We are in the process of adopting our Foster daughter through DHS. Her birthmother is not a member but when we offered to keep in contact and let her have visits we mentioned where we went to church and invited her to come if she wanted to.
That night i kinda freaked out....thinking what did I say? If she did come to our church....would that be a little to close for comfort. Later as i thought about it...I found myself hoping that she would come to our church...she would be able to see her daughter....and at the same time..at least learn what we believe and maybe have a postive influence on her life.
To my suprise she actually did show up at church. My heart jumped for joy and I felt even closer to her...it was the perfect meeting place. I anticipate her coming to church with us...quite frequently and i'm very excited about it. She will be able to develope a good relationship with our daughter....while also having an opportunity to learn about stuff so close to our heart and hopefuly to our daughters heart as she grows up.
Now your situation is different....but at the same time...if she was looking for an open adoption.....I know the ward would admire her for her choice to place with you...and hopefully you would allow her to be pretty involved with your family as well. Let her sit with you...and share in your joy.
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Ok, I think I have a right to say what I'm going to say because I placed my son for adoption. First of all, until the mother decides what she is going to do with her child, she has stewardship over that child and it is her decision. Second, when I got pregnant and was trying to decide what to do, I couldn't think of anything more rude and annoying than well meaning people telling me that they wanted to adopt my son or that they knew someone that they just felt "inspired" that I should give my son to. I know that there are a lot of people who want children, but unless the mother asks, don't volunteer yourselves. It's hard enough giving up someone you love without people pestering you every other minute trying to make you pick someone they want.