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Hello,
I met my bmom 7 years ago May 1 1997. I would be happy to share the details of the reunion but the details of the time past since are much more enlightening. Kath and I have become the best of friends. Things are content with my adopted parents and everyone has adjusted.
I have insight not only for new adopted parents, bmoms and adoptees. Insight on what is genetic for the adoptees that feel lonely and misunderstood. Insight for the adopted parents and what they are feeling in regards to how to understand your adopted child and not feel threatened by their interest in birth parents. Believe me, it is not a direct threat to you and I can also help to shed some light on what the adoptees feel at different stages in life- I've been through most all between severe depression in my teens from not being understood, to looking to men for acceptance, to - the list goes on. From knowing Kath I have in depth insight for the bmom's and what they feel....and the list goes on. I've been happily married now for 12 years, to give you background on me, I have an 8 yr old son and I am extremely close to my adopted family, my mom is my mom! and my dad is my dad. But my bparents are how I got here!
in the 7+ years Kath(bmom) and I have known each other, we have realized security in our own personalities we would not have otherwise known. We have realized explanantion for many feelings that never made sense to anyone else.
I have maintained a wonderful close relationship with my adopted mother. While Kath is my birthmom, she is not my mother but has a whole different completely connected place in my heart. She is truly a best friend in my world.
I have insight on how I dealt with my adopted mom's feelings, how I helped my bomom deal with her feelings of not being there for me during my upbringing even thought she was thankful I had a wonderful upbringing. How she helped me with my feelings and how I dealt with them before meeting her. also how she dealt with her feelings before meeting me.
Kath and I would truly love to write a book. We were blessed (although didbn't realize it at the time) with the fact that when I met her she lived in Hong Kong and I lived in California. (I am native Californian, her husband is in international banking and they move coutnries frequently) I couldn't afford to call her all the time, so we resulted to faxing and eventually emailing our life stories to each other while we answered questions and got to know each other.
We truly have our entire first 2 years of reunion in print between faxing and e-mailing. Our stories of how we felt before we knew each other, our emotions what we felt during the process. The teenage emotions in the process, the secrecy, the misunderstanding and on and on. The true story of why I was adopted and what happened with her and my bdad.
We have so much information, along with the reunion, we also have commentation between us about what is genetic between birth families, what is learned in behavior. This feels so important, because as an adoptee I truly felt so "misunderstood" growing up. I felt like an outcast, because I was so different from my adopted family. Mood and inherent qualities were different from my adopted parents and my younger sister who was my adopted mothers natural child.
I had no idea why, but my thoughts and feelings were so different than my adopted parents. Even as an adult and mother I realized my parenting approach was completely different than how I was raised. Not just a little different, but completely. After meeting Kath, it was astonishing how similar our parenting techniques are. these things are genetic, they are not completely learned. They are in our DNA of our personalities, of who we are. it's amazing how much Kath and I have discovered is gentic and not learned. Until you stop to think you assume the tendancies you have in life are learned from your upbringing.
After Kath put me up for adoption (the story is longer than this) she went on to finish high school and then college to earn her masters degree. Between her knowledge gained and her natual intelligence, and i assume genetic intelligence we have evaluated and discussed in length the many things that are genetic from parents that we believe most people do not realize.
i feel some of our evaluations not only would help adoptees and bmom's learn to understand each other, but would COMPLETELY help adoptees and adopted parents learn to understand each other, learn to connect better and learn to ease some of the conflict that may happen in the "teen" years when many adoptees start feeling different and alone and misunderstood.
I don't want to "type" a book here, but I want to open the door for some questions. I have talked to and helped many friends of mine that have been adopted, understand some of their own feelings. I have helped my adopted mother completely deal with and accept my bmom as part of our everyday life. I know I can offer some insight so anyone on any end of this complex triangle at least understand's some of the many questions involved in this process.
I'm not a couselor, I'm not a doctor. I'm just an adoptee that was lucky enough to meet my birth mom, completely connect enough with her to truly evaluate her feelings in great depth, completely bond and connect with my adopted mom, also spent time talking with my adopted sister (who is my adopted mom's natural child) to get her insight.
I'm hoping to help answer some other questions, gain further insight to avenues Kath and I may not have explored, and begin to write the chapters of our story.
I truly feel I can at least guide someone in the triangle of bmom, adopted mom, adoptee - whether you are preparing to adopt, dealing with an adopted teenager and difficulties/insecurities/depression/saddness, or the adoptee dealing with feeling of being "misunderstood" not connected or further.
I've been there....I've dealt with by bmoms feelings, I've dealt with my adopted mom's feelings and boy oh boy I've finally dealt with my own feelings. Talking with and bonding with Kath in great detail has helped me understand them. Meeting my b-brothers has also helped me understand myself further. Having my own "blood" son has also helped me understand myself.
I don't have all the answers...but if you are someone out there looking for some answers and just not finding them, give me opportunity to help you with your feelings and at least tell you how my experiences have taught me to understand all the angles.
Thanks for reading!!!
Gina
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