In a state of confussion....

You are in a difficult situation & I can certainly understand why you would be "picky" about who is going to raise your babies. I believe you are right & that when you see the right family you will know it so be patient. In the meantime remember to take care of yourself as well as the babies - get plenty of rest! Good luck in your decision. Whatever you decide will be difficult but hang in there!

Lost, ((HUGS)). How are your twins doing? Any news on when they'll be released from NICU? Just wanted to let you know that I, too, felt extremely nit-picky as I was looking through profiles. No matter how great the profile was, no matter how perfect the family seemed, I found something wrong with it. It got to the point where my mother and cw thought I really did not want to place my daughter. They were right, in a way... I didn't WANT to place my daughter, of course. Who really wants to place? But that wasn't why I was being so particular. I was never committed to ADOPTION in general, I was just committed to finding Marie the best possible home. I knew that probably meant adoption, but I also knew I could be a good mom and make parenting work, so if I couldn't find the absolute perfect family, I wasn't going to place. In the end, I never did have a feeling of "this is the family" from any single profile. What happened is that I found a profile that seemed to match my criteria... and even though there was a detail in it that I wasn't thrilled about, because I was running out of time (8 1/2 months pregnant), I agreed to talk to the couple on the phone. It was during the phone conversation that I had that feeling of "aha!" Speaking in real time confirmed for me what no profile ever could. Frankly, I'm amazed that there are women out there who can choose a family based on nothing but the profile. It seems so risky. People are always different in conversation than they are on paper. So anyway, I don't think what you're going through is completely abnormal. And I don't blame you at all for being picky-- Let us know how this meeting goes. If it doesn't feel right, don't push it. (I had also talked to another couple and knew they weren't right after speaking, before I found Marie's family.) Take your time.... I hope you're doing OK. Please come back if you ever need to talk. :) Nicole

Hi, I'm sorry for your distress. I too think it is natural that you are protective of your babies - it just shows that you are a good mother and have the right mothering instincts. A couple of suggestions - since you haven't decided to make an adoption plan for the baby, I don't think you should meet with parents yet -for both your sakes. I think it would only increase the pressure on you. I read a birthmom's advice once that I thought rang really true - she said to make the decision about adoption and then look at families if that is what you choose. Separating the two decisions allows you to see your options more clearly and there will always be lots of families who are able and willing to care for your baby and give it everything you want in abundance - that is not the only important part of making a plan. You sound like counselling might help as well - just to get an independent perspective from someone outside your situation. If your agency is not giving you options counselling (information on keeping them as well as adoption) then go somewhere else. Look in the phone book or ask me and I'll find you something (I'm in Illinois too). I realize that you need to act quickly but there is time - let yourself take the time to make the right decision for you, the father and the babies. As far as being picky, that is your option. Sometimes things click (my daughter's birthmom and I connected by phone and were immediately in sync with each other). Other people set criteria and pick that way. Don't settle for a family that doesn't feel right - imagine how you would feel a few years from now thinking about your children being raised by that family. Good luck to you and let me know if you would like me to locate some counselling in your area. Cynthia

Lost... I admire you for your "picky-ness" that just shows you really care about the future of your babies. I'm sure that all the profiles are beginning to look the same to you. Have you been able to actually TALK to any couples? That might help.... and I also agree with the others about getting some counseling, if the agencies you are working with aren't able to provide you with that help maybe the hospital can offer some help. Good luck!

I know its a hard decision that you are trying to make. Being picky is only normal. Patience is one of the biggest keys here. You will know when its right. If you need to talk please feel free to let me know I am a very good listener. Good Luck!

Totally OK to be nervous! I was nervous and I was 100% sure I was going to place. Nicole- I'm one of those crazy people!! I picked a couple based on profile only. Then met them about a month after I picked them. Obviously not going to work in this situation. I definitely agree that the 2 options should be as seperate as possible. Choose adoption first then choose parents. It sounds like you are trying it backwards, parents first then choose adoption second. I'm not saying that wont work, IMO just might be more emotional for both you and the acouple if neither of you are sure you are really choosing adoption. But I also agree with not settling for a family that doesnt feel right. Especially if you are planning an open adoption. Since most of the time those agreements arent legally binding, you will need to find someone you can trust to stick to the agreement, and still its no garuantee. Also just so you know, that also in most states the hospital stay will be paid for the babies only by the adoptive couple/ medicaid. Your bill is yours unless you have an agreement with the acouple (and lawyer should have it on paper) that they will pay for it. If its part of the court documents then I am pretty certain it is legally binding that they pay your bill.

Shellie, LOL, I don't think you're crazy! I just don't get it, I guess... maybe I just needed to hear an actual voice to pick, because I was so anal about the profiles! Plus I had a decently long list of criteria, and many times those criteria were not mentioned in the profiles (including specific religious denominations). Everyone says to pick adoption first, and the aparents second. I'm sure they're all right.... all the pros say to do it that way, too.... I just was not trusting enough to believe there was definitely the right family out there for my precious girl to do it that way. Part of deciding on adoption, for me, was seeing the profiles, getting a feel for the families who were waiting, and finding a family. Just as I would not have settled on single parenting without exploring all the SPECIFIC resources available to me (WIC, child care and the costs, single mom support groups), I would not choose adoption without exploring the specific families available. Personally, I think this worked well for me. As far as undue pressure on everyone involved... well, even if a pbmom chooses adoption, THEN picks aparents, she could still change her mind on the adoption decision after she gives birth. So I'm not sure why it's viewed as "more pressure" to say to p-aparents right up front, "I'm not sure I want to place yet..." But maybe that is just me. Good luck, Lost... N

Thanks for all of your kind words, I've been reading the responses since I posted this, I just haven't been feeling well lately. It really is great to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with this. Since I've joined this site some really great people have come in contact with me. Thank you so much for all of your input. Jill

I had twins when I was very young and I can tell you that I had surging hormones that made me make some irrational decisions. I, too, had feelings that I should put them up for adoption...but I didn't it. It was really hard...I had no one. I was all alone. The father was no help. But I kept chugging along and I found support and friendship that I needed through the local Mothers of Multiples Club. I have made it through and my twins turn 11 years old next month. I am really happy that I didn't give up on them or the father of my twins. Today, he is a great dad...he was just overwhelmed with them when they were infants...that is a scarey stage not only for new moms but dads, too. Please let us know what you decide.