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Some background my dh and I have been married for 3 years - Last easter I became guardian of my 7 YO neice Angelica. My sister is having financial and legal problems. She had shipped my niece all over the place and lived off welfare - but otherwise I believe tries to be a good mom. Mother and Child have a strong bond and I would not try to interfer with that. I believe there was some physical abuse as when I ask her how to dicipline angelica I get "spank her" and Angelica has told me that her daddy whipped her.. Dad is in jail
I have placed her in a private school, and we attend the church at the same location. Our sports are with the school. I have tried to provide her with a consistent schedule, consistent people and consistent expectations realizing she has had little of this and that this may help her develope better coping and living skills.
In general she is a wonderful child and We love having her here.
There are some issues, she does not listen to us or seems not to. She wont look us in the eyes when we speak to her. And she likes to wander off on her own. Today she had cross country practice with the school. She has had several before she made the choice during running with her group to separate from the group and go to a portion of the park that is known to have bunnies by herself. (She is seven!) My dh was waiting at the end of the run and kids started showing up at 6:15 at 6:45 he became worried and tracked her down to the bunny hill. He was very upset and he response to him was "I have the right to play" Luckily there were others present or he may have lost control.. She has a history of separating from us in stores and such - just deciding to go left instead of staying with us.. I have spoken to her but it does not do much good.. tonight she went to bed early and had 10 min of Time Out - When I asked her why she was being punished she said because she was playing with the bunnies - I have told her no more cross county as we need to know she will stay with the group to keep her safe, and since she has not done that we cant take the risk. I just dont know how to get through to her.
There are homework issues and lying as well but I think those are normal 7 yo things. She was wetting her pants at first - and we went round and round, then I had her wash her pants by hand and she has not done it since.,
Help -
We dont really have any support group or experiance - we love her and are doing the best that we can - but afraid we are failing....
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How traumatic were the first 2 or 3 years of her life?
She's likely responding to the lack of control in her life. She doesn't know how to express the feelings she has about her life, love, anger and fear about her mother leaving her. I would suggest you find a therapist familiar with attachment issues and have her evaluated. She needs to be able to deal with these feelings and know that you are strong enough to handle them.
She needs firm boundaries and structure. Foster Cline's Parenting With Love and Logic is a good resource for teaching children to make choices and respect boundaries. You may also wish to look at [url]www.radzebra.org[/url] and [url]www.attachment.org[/url]
You are not failing. She's had some tough breaks and you just need some different tools to work with and a good attachment therapist to help her deal with her loss and grief. She's lucky to have such a caring, understanding aunt.
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Thank you so much!
I ordered the book from Amazon.
And am about to do the web search!
I am trying... but sometimes ugggg I know she is worth it - I love her to death it is just so hard sometimes.
I cant really afford a therapist - most of my money now goes to her school, and there is little left over. There is a therapist at the school that comes on Wed's - I requested she call me this morning - left her a note..
: )
It sounds like she did not have a lot of stability early on ,so
just be consistent. She probably feels many things ,like fear that you will abandon her beat her or etc. These feelings are all natural for this type of situation. Just keep doing what you are doing and eventually when she feels safe she will not look down
or turn away when ansewering a question. my daughter was very intraverted , when she was young , so I would kneel down to her height and I would look her in the eye when i wanted her
to listen to me. Because your niece was abused she is probably very intimidated by people standing over her. Wandering is very unsafe , but it shows that she has a sense of independence and likes nature . Perhaps a pet might quench that need to wander off. I dont know what your situation is. If you have a yard perhaps a kitten would give her a companion. Sounds like the bunnies on bunny hill are her little friends . Just a guess and an opinion . Hope it helps. Lying might just be a defense mechanism out of fear of being repromanded in a physical manner .