I Quit Therapy

Jenna, Do you participate in any online birthmother support groups at Yahoo! or any of the other group email sites?

I have been members of two and unfortunately been the subject of harsh commentary which forced me to leave. Both have been Birthmother & Amother groups. I have also started a Birthmother and Adoptive Mother group which hasn't really taken off just yet. Due to my experience with six people in the first one and one closed-minded individual in the second, I have also become wary of those on the internet. Posing to be people that they are not, attached to adoption in ways that they are not. I know it is an option but with the recent events of people making up personalities to gain access to groups... I have a hard time trusting. Does that make sense? I was trying to explain without using names of groups or individuals.

How unfortunate... You really should try to find some type of group only for birthparents in Open Adoption. I know that in the past, when I participated in groups open to all birthparents, I got a lot of flak from birthparents in closed adoption, because they just couldnt understand that the pain was still there, even though was fortunate enough to have a relationship with my daughter. The ғWhat are you complaining about, at least you get to talk to your child mentality really comes between a lot of peopleԅwhen it shouldnt. As far as ID creating҅we have that here tooand youŒre right, its sad. I know there are people out there who thrive off of others attention and pain, all you can do is try to identify them as soon as possible and remove them from your group. I hope youre able to find some help҅no one should feel ashamed!

SchmennaLeigh wrote..She was not aware of the anti-adoption sentiment that exists so therefore she hasn't been able to help me with any of my questions/feelings about how to deal with people who say absolutely inane things to me about adoption. That sounds like a real difficult issue for you to sort.. I guess you are getting the "how could you do that!" comments. I wonder how one does sort that.. My husband actually said that to me.. I think I got very angry with him at the time (and never said a word).. But I know there was a point when I told him he had better accept me as I am right now. The kind of therapy that helped me was the self love type of therapy.. Giving myself permission to take care of myself type of therapy.. Adoption is such a divisive issue.. Abortion is as well.. Jackie

Self-love! Now there's a thought. I've been working on that. I've had issues with it in the past, so it's not a brand new issue for me to deal with and has some roots in things that go far back into my deep, scary past. ooooh, threatening! How does one go about working on self-love on one's own? Any book recommendations or websites or what-have-you? That may be a good route for me to go. Thanks :D

Jenna and Brandy, I emptied my mail box. Sorry I let it get so cluttered :eek: Could you resend your msgs? Thank you!

I hesitated to post until you asked about books. Right now in my life so much cr*p is rolling down hill that I am trying to find any way I can to keep my head above it and swim. I found a book, the title turned me off but the subtitle seemed to fit what I was seeking. Strangely you came to mind when I bought it. It is "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be: Lessons on Change, Loss, and Spiritual Transformation." There may only be one page that you find helpful, or there may be many- either is good. Along with the book I bought a journal just for writing in about my readings. If you can bring yourself to go back, talk with this counselor about the panic attacks. I understand you feel pressed to resolve the issues surrounding adoption, but you alluded to things passed and maybe releasing some of these passed tensions will help those you now face. take care

If you don't mind an intrusion from an adoptee -- I have a self-help suggestion for you. There is a woman named Byron Katie who has lots of books and audio books out. A fellow forum member has been sending copies of tapes to a bunch of birthmoms and adoptees on the forum, and I have found them to be incredibly useful in sorting through a lot of past issues, and current self-image stuff. It's called "Loving what Is" (though she has others in the series). I'd recommend the audio over the written - listening to her work with other people's issues with them really helped me. She also has specific units that deal with past trauma (rape, incest, whatever), relationships (parents, spouse, children), substance abuse, whatever. But the fundamental messages are the same. I'll be thinking of you, Cheryl

SchmennaLeigh wrote..I've been working on that. I've had issues with it in the past, so it's not a brand new issue for me to deal with and has some roots in things that go far back into my deep, scary past. I went to an adoption type therapist.. I did not like the experience.. She had a pat way of interviewing me.. I left after three sessions.. Thomas Moore in his book 'Care of the Soul' said we need to connect with our feeling self.. our core feeling place.. I know I cut myself off from it for a long long time.. Did not allow myself to cry about what had happened in my life.. and it was not just about the adoption.. I know I did right when I gave my son up.. I am lucky because I can see the results in a grown man.. We make decisions in our lives.. Then we do not think the decisions are good ones.. We second guess..We become vulnerable to the crazy makers.. The ones who do not understand open adoption..:) I think the self love stuff is in this.. Its a journey of self discovery.. (stream of thought typing.. throwing up ideas) I just read your posts to the woman who gave her adopted baby up.. You are so strong.. You are articulate and strong.. You can help others when you sort all this.. IMO The woman I would recommend is Alice Miller.. All her books.. The most popular is The Drama of the Gifted Child: it has some good good stuff in it.. But I love "Pictures of a Childhood".. Miller talks about how she did a series of watercolors (postcard size) and ended up writing a lot of books.. This comment from a review on a well known book seller on the net.. "Alice Miller's ideas are based on her experiences as a psychotherapist who practiced for 20 years, and her own self-analysis." I hope you do work through the issues involved in the new open adoptions..The reactions.. I can see what you face.. I was able to say.. "Ohhh well I did not want this and I was forced and bla bla bla.." But I know I need to stand in the relinquishment of my son (like you are doing).. I know I have done this in the past.. You stand in what has happened in your life.. You do it very well.. Maybe the sorting is being able to tell the ignorant ones to just stop it.... Its a whole new world.. Its easy to blame.. Its easy to be ignorant.. Jackie

Thank you for saying that, for it is my ultimate goal. And frankly, I know that I need to work through everything before I can truly help others. I need to get past my own blundering issues with standing up for myself. (I also need to get good makeup for my cheeks and nose, for they turn red when I am angry/upset/embarassed/cold/hot/you-get-thepoint!) Anyway, I hope eventually I can get there. And some time before I am no longer articulate. You could place the ease at which I can express myself (when I'm not bound down by hideous embarassment or issues) on my education... but I think it comes from my parents. They taught me to express myself. I thank them for that. I think this week I shall go book shopping. And maybe new journal shopping with the intent of purposefully writing down things as I go through them; it might have to be a BIG journal! And nice pens. You can't write without nice pens. I find strength on some days. Yet, on some subjects, I feel like the weakest woman alive. And that, in itself, drives me batty. I do not like to feel as though I am weak (or dependent on others). I am a very independent woman, sometimes to a fault!! I am learning to ask others for help, for support, but... grr.. I'm still working on that as well! Anyway, do you have any other suggestions on books? I really shouldn't shop until payday on the 15th, so you have until then! :D Ha!

That first therapist had me write down situations where I was defeated.. Where I got into crazy thinking.. She had me write them down and then my reaction and then the reality of it.. In Twelve Step program that is the fourth step.. So maybe in your journaling check out what happened and your reaction and then what really happened.. Sometimes we are 'spiraled' into the past.. Something happens and we are there.. and we are reacting to unfinished business.. Something we dealt with as a child.. not an adult.. So we deal with it as a child.. We react as a child. I think the trick is to go back and see the situation from adult eyes.. Re think it.. See the wrong of it.. In the Vein of Gold (again Cameron) she has a person write down their life history.. in five year increments.. Then you mine the memories for gold.. For the places that need to be re sorted.. There is so much out there.. Its very intersting.. Jackie

A good book that actually helps with what Jackie is talking about is men women and relationships by Dr John Gray. Its an awesome book and has helped me emmensly not just in my relationship with my boyfriend, but in my life overall. I know it sounds silly, but it really helped me.

Update: The second therapist... a no go. I attempted a second-go and it was worse. So, now I'm just going it alone. I have great days. Of course, I don't have a whole lot of time for bad days with this inane wedding planning, but ya know, whatever. ;) Can someone tell me why NO ONE knows what they are talking about when it comes to adoption grief and loss? It's frustrating and I am not willing to try anyone else. At all. So... any advice on how to keep my good days and keep bad days away?

Sorry, I dont really have any advice. But I am here to listen. I dont have bad days hardly at all, and I dont know how I do it or why I dont get sad at all about it. My bf is different. He still hasnt told the people he works with that we didnt bring her home, he feels like a failure. Its hard sometimes to see him so sad. All I can do for him is listen, too.

SchmennaLeigh wrote..So... any advice on how to keep my good days and keep bad days away? What I learned to do was to tell myself when the bad days came that they will pass.. That I am going through something that is perfectly natural.. No blame.. I no longer push those feelings away.. I know that if I do that they will just come back.. I talk about what I am going through with my family.. I stay out of the negative thoughts.. I try and catch them before they start.. If a situation triggers me.. I try and think about what actually happened (especially if it is negative) and I try and think about why it happened.. I journal about it.. And I do work on me..As Peter Gabriel sang "find the places we got hurt." I think your strength is that you understand that the therapists you looked at could not help you.. I bet one day you will find someone who can.. Maybe the time is not right for therapy.. Deep searching difficult therapy.. Jackie