why do i feel this way?

Hi. I am an adoptee who has just begun seriously searching for my bmom. I really felt connected to your post because your daughter's birth/adoption history is very similiar to mine. I wonder all the time about what I will tell my bmom if I find her regarding my adoptive parents? If she has lived the past 37 years thinking that I was adopted into a loving, good family, it may really hurt her to know the truth. How did you deal with that? As for backing off a little, in my lay-person's opinion, I think it is good that you and your daughter talk about all of the different feelings and circumstances that come up. Suggestion for stopping the hurtful comments: Write down positive things to say on 3x5 cards for phone calls, or as soon as you have a negative thought, count to five before speaking. We are in control of our emotions and our words. I hope that you will be able to move through this next phase of your relationship with your daughter without any more pain being experienced by either of you. Abandonment issues are HUGE! If you do decide to back off some, please, please reassure your daughter that you are not going anywhere and that you won't refuse her phone calls and/or visits, but that you definitely can't discuss the boyfriend issue right now. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself to protect your feelings and/or fears. I hope I've helped at least a little. Sincerely, Joy

I completely agree with Joy's post. She has some great ideas. I could use those positive thought cards in some of my own relationships! She is also right that you are allowed to set boundaries. Tell her you love that she has found someone, but at this time you are unable to discuss her relationship with this man. You sound like you two have a pretty honest and open relationship, so hopefully the two of you will move past this without too many bumps. As for backing off, if it doesnt feel right, dont do it. Just alter some of the things you talk about, and when it comes to something you need to avoid for the time being, just let her know. Tell her you cant talk about a certain thing at that time, and that you will bring it up when you are more comfortable talking about it, or ask her to not go into detail about her relationship with him. Tell her you just want to know she is happy.

I know I should do the things you say and I really try but I have a very expressive face and apparently, she knows in my voice that something is bothering me (we have so many personality traits that are similar - sometimes it's scary!). I will try to write some things down that are positive about him and work them into the conversation. I just really don't care for him. He is nice and good to her but I don't enjoy his personality (I know, I don't have to like him, she does). When she asks me what I think of him, I tell her I'm glad she has found someone that makes her happy. Since she hasn't had much dating experience, I have also said that I wish she would be open to meeting and dating some other people and not just settle for the first person who shows an interest. As with any new relationship, she is very excited and he is all she talks about. I want to be happy for her but I just can't help my feelings. I don't want her to feel abandoned either. I am also concerned because she has financial problems and problems with alcoholism. She doesn't want to tell him about that or the fact that she slept around a lot when she was drunk because she doesn't want to lose him. (Up to a week before she met him, continued this pattern. She was drunk, went to a bar, met a guy and brought him home - she worries me!) I told her that it is best to let him know the real her. If he is going to leave her because of who she is, it is better to know now than later when she is really in love. My fears about coming in last are now getting closer to being true. Even though she has had a bad experience with her family growing up, she still attends family functions with her parents, brother and sister in law, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. She even goes on family vacations with them all. I worry that between her family, his family, and kids (she doesn't have any now) she won't really have time for me. I know that is a selfish feeling but I just spent 25 years wondering about her and wanting her. Now that we are together, I just don't want to have those feelings of loss again. Joy asked how I dealt with finding out about her family abuse. It bothers me a lot and makes me feel very guilty. I know though that at 16, I wouldn't have made a very good mother either. Also, because of her family, she is extremely close to me and shares much more with me than she does her family. She knows I won't judge and I will be there for her (except when she has anxiety about abandonment). Joy, you should continue to look for your birthmother. If she is anything like me, she will be dying to meet you! Best of luck to you! Thanks again for you encouraging words.

kittycat wrote..I told her that maybe I should just step away for awhile so she can develop her relationship with this new man. This was upsetting to her and made her feel like I was abandoning her. What do I do? Turn it around.. Change your thinking.. Let her go again.. Let all those lost years go.. See her for who she is right now.. Watch out for the resentments.. From your last post.. She knows I won't judge and I will be there for her Check that out.. This is tough.. You have all your unfinished business with how she grew up and you want to parent.. She is who she is.. Honor that.. If she makes a mistake you can finally be there for her.. I once sponsored in Al anon.. (folks married to alcoholics) A sponsor must not make comments on the life choices the sponsee makes.. (my interpretation of the rules :)) I can remember telling a woman to "leave the bum".. I realized what I had done right after I said it.. She was triggering me.. I was looking at my childhood.. But it was wrong.. It was wrong because if she "stays with the bum" she can not come to me.. and pour out her sorrow.. and discuss what to do.. There is an "I told you so" in the relationship.. Let her make her own mistakes.. Be there for her when she falls.. is my suggestion.. Jackie

Thanks for your reply Jackie. I will do the best I can.

I have to take that suggestion for my own sister! Gosh do I hate her choices, but I should try also to not say things like leave him, why the heck do you stay. You're right, it probably doesnt make her feel safe to talk to me. He's not abusive, but he's a lout IMO. Quit his job right after meeting her, now still unemployed, she's pregnant and he's a bum. Caring for him, her son, and her unborn child. I hate that I cant change her situation, but I need to accept it.

michellemartin wrote..I hate that I cant change her situation, but I need to accept it. My mom hated my choices.. She made sure she told me about it as well.. I rebelled.. I rebelled against everything.. And I made bad choices in men.. kittycat I hope you stay with us.. Your issues are what a lot of us face.. We do not raise our children and we end up with a need to parent them.. Some of us have no experience in parenting.. Also if the son or daughter is abused there is a double problem.. There is our guilt around giving the son or daughter up for adoption and all the issues we have to deal with and the reality of today and the wanting to fix what was wrong.. We can not fix someone else.. We can not climb into their heads and change their thinking.. My mom wanted to fix me.. Hide the pregnancy she said.. Tell no one.. Make it go away.. See an abortionist.. Go to doctor offices and ask for one..(this was before it was legal).. I ended up having my son.. My goodness the pain I went through in those early days of my pregnancy.. But I was fixed.. No one knew.. I started over again.. I set off to find a husband again.. Krikey.. I just wrote about this this morning.. in another thread.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=587927#post587927[/url] Jackie

Jackie's posts are right on. :) Honestly kitty, your posts reminded me a bit of my own mother. :) (I'm not adopted, btw.) I KNOW I made some choices that worried my mom. Including dating Matt (now my wonderful hubby, who my parents love whole-heartedly) when I was pregnant with Marie. I'm sure they thought I was jumping into a relationship for all the wrong reasons.... they were worried about his drinking... they were worried that HE'D just come out of a relationship, too.... they were worried about his mental health (and not in a bigoted way, I am bipolar too, they just worried that I'd end up taking care of him or something, when I have my own issues to deal with).... From an objective standpoint, I can admit that there were many, many red flags about us. However, I was an adult, and it was my choice whether to date him or not. Even if things hadn't turned out well with Matt, it was still my choice. I think you need to accept the fact (hope this doesn't sound callous) that you probably WILL, at some point, end up further down her "list." I know my mother is not the most important person in the world to me. She's high up there, but she's not first--that spot is reserved, as it should be, for my life partner, Matt, and my daughter, Elise. I'd suggest you have a discussion with your birthdaughter about this, and talk about three points specifically: First, tell her (if you can, genuinely) that you realize her choices are hers to make. Second, tell her that while you won't interfere with those choices (and again be genuine--don't say it then talk bad about her boyfriend...). But third, tell that while you won't interfere (and she does have the right to expect that of you, IMHO), you are still entitled to your feelings, and you can't sweep your judgment under the rug. So although you will not interfere or try to change her mind, she has to understand that she might hear something in your voice from time to time that indicates you're not fully supportive.. and that it's not purposeful, it's just how it is. Remind her that it doesn't matter how you feel about this man, it only matters how he feels. (Coming from you, that would probably mean a lot to her.) Finally, I'd suggest that rather than backing away, you two try to talk about something else. I realize she's the one always bringing him up... maybe you need to gently point out to her that she doesn't need to share every detail with you. (It was hard for me to do this, because my mom and I were so close, but there came a time when I stopped sharing every detail with my mother about my relationship with Matt..... I realized that sharing the details just caused her to worry, but that her worry wasn't going to stop me from seeing him, so what was the point of me getting her upset?) Sorry this is so long... it just sounds to me like this is a lot of a mother having a hard time letting go of her daughter. I realize the emotions are more complex because you are birthmother and birthdaughter, reunited... but I think the principles remain the same. It's important to let go of our children and let them make their own choices. N

I agree and I have told her that she is an adult and it is up to her whether or not she likes him. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. I have also told her that I can't help the way I feel and that I would try to keep my feelings to myself. I have also told her that I don't want to know all the details. This is definitely a turning point in our relationship. I'm glad she found someone. I hope that she isn't just staying with him to have someone. I also am upset by her alcoholism. I have been helping to keep her out of trouble and being a "mom". I finally let her know how I feel (I have in the past but even more so now) and that if she wants to drink and black out, that is her business but I'm tired of always covering for her (emotionally, financially, etc.) She barely has food and most of the time can't pay her bills. I just paid her rent and have given her lots of money in the past to help with her debt and give her groceries. I don't mind but when she has money to drink, I feel like by giving her money I am being used and supporting her alcoholism. She realizes she has a problem but says it's just who she is. She's been this way since 12 years of age. At all of her (adoptive) family functions (of which their are many), there is always alcohol and it is pushed at people. I know there have been times that she told me she has turned it down but they tried pressuring her to drink. It makes me crazy. I gave her to people I thought would care for her and protect her. Instead, they just turned out to be as bad if not worse for her than I would have been as a 16 year old mother. (Besides financially.) Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it. It is nice to talk about and vent my frustrations. I love her and I don't want her to do something that could ultimately be deadly.

kitty, Well honestly... it sounds like you're doing things pretty much right, and that it's pretty much up to her now to do some growing up. Your love for your bdaughter is apparent. I can only imagine the hurt and betrayal you must feel at how her adoptive family turned out. I will say a prayer that your bdaughter learns to deal with her drinking, and that it won't damage your relationship. (((Hugs))) Nicole

kittycat wrote..I also am upset by her alcoholism. I have been helping to keep her out of trouble and being a "mom". There are places you can go to get help with dealing with the effects of alcoholism.. You can go to an Alanon meeting and share what you are going through.. You can find a sponsor (friend or mentor) who will listen to you.. Who will give his or her wisdom for you to contemplate.. Or you can find many books on this subject.. Melody Beattie is the best.. IMO.. Her daily reader is an inspiration.. *The guilt keeps a person engaged.* My mom was an alcoholic.. and she started drinking heavy after I relinquished.. All my fault.. All my darn fault.. And because it was all my fault she had me.. She could call me up at any time and verbally abuse me and then feel better.. She always said she felt better after she talked with me.. darn.. Its a hook that guilt.. Steer clear.. And IMO the guilt is what needs to be sorted for us birthmoms.. or some of us. Guilt about how we caused all this to happen.. A deep core belief in me is that I caused my moms drinking.. I messed up.. I did not do my life perfect.. I should have been better than that.. Forgiving the self.. Understanding that we did very best we could is prime.. There is a way out of this.. but....... My goodness this must be hard on you.. No words.. Jackie

Thanks for listening and understanding. No one else seems to understand what I am going through and how I feel like someone who has been through it, such as yourselves.

kittycat You are not alone.. Please stay with us.. Jackie