New Board for adoptive parents struggling with the reunion of their adopted children

Even today, there are bmoms who felt coerced or that they didn't have a choice. Sometimes they've grown up in a religion that stigmatizes unwed moms, sometimes their parents pressure them to place, sometimes their family refuses support thinking they should place, sometimes the family thinks that mom should go to college and be a kid still not a mom and they can put a lot of pressure on a young adult that doesn't have a job or resources. From the outside, it's easy to say "oh but you could have. . . ." But during that very emotional time, it can be difficult to see the options. And honestly, when you are single with no family support, no job, and everyone in your life telling you this is best for your baby, how do you see the other options?

OH, I would have had suport. Complete, with chains, and all kinds of strings attached. I as a ward of court. Placed in a home with Grandparents. They told me they would help me as much as possible. But I knew what kind of mind games would go with it. I knew that no matter what kind of job I got, I would never have the money to get out because they would take what little I made for various reasons. Just like they always took what little I made baby sitting. There was always an excuse. Always a punishment. Even my Mother called to ask me to let her take care of baby untill I was old enough to take care of it. I mean OMG. She was still married to the reason she lost custody of us. And she was asking me to let my child live with him? When they found out I was determined to give my son away, they tried to talk me into an open adoption. That would have given them access to my child. And I didn't even want to think about who they had in mind for the adoption. The best thing I could do for my unborn baby, was to go through a closed adoption. Since I was a ward of court, the adoption agency would be a government agency. Closed, ment that no one in my family had access to him. Unfortunatly neither did I. I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl at birth. Which I chose for my own reasons. I found out years later that Washington State is the only State where the birth mom can get the original Birth Certificate. I sent off for it, and received it on HIS 18th birthday. But because of the choices I made, I gave both of us a chance for a good life. I graduated from High shool a year later. And one week after graduation I was in Boot Camp. I did 7 years active duty, in which time, I met my wonderful husband and gave birth to 2 more kids. None of my kids were raised around that part of the family. I haven't even been back for a visit since my youngest was 6 months old. That was 27 years ago. I came from a long line of abuse and I broke the chain. :flower:

birthmom, As I read your story my heart felt so hurt for you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you. All the emotions. Then I read "I broke the chain" and my heart felt joy. Set free! I am happy to hear you met a wonderful husband and have two beautiful children. You rose above a bad situation. A strong women! My youngest daughter was tossed around from relatives to many foster homes. She was also in a very abusive situation and had many hurts. We adopted her at the age of 11. She too has risen above her situation. She was hurt but also saw the good in her life. She is an amazing women now at the age of 25. We laughed and cried together as she learned to trust us to be her forever parents. We started a mother/daughter journal which helped us both as we shared our hearts. We still have that journal going today. God bless you birthmom16 and my daughter. Two amazing women!

Thank you Love4. I rejoice in abused children who are able to grow up and overcome. The physical abuse is easier. They psychological abuse is harder. And they do go hand in hand. You hear those voices for a long time after. And it does take a strong will to stop them. I'm glad your daughter overcame it. I'm glad she had you to help her. Most of these children don't have that suport and have to walk that road alone. Blessings to you and your family. I am overjoyed to have found my son. This sight gave me his name, and I found him on FaceBook. Since I wrote a letter for him at birth, we had a lot of information for verification. And we are talking. I did good. :cheer: He had a good life with good parents. :wings: And lot of love. :love:

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Why are you unable to see that she had no choice?

why can't you see that she did have a choice?

Does it make people feel better about adoption, today, to think this kind of sacrifice is a freely chosen choice made?

Beth, I don't think any PAP wants to think that an expectant mom is being coerced. Some people might put their heads in the sand.But the fact of the matter is that sometimes it IS a free choice made by an expectant mom. Sometimes she has no choice. Every situation is different. Sweetpea's first mom is in her 30's and successfully raising older siblings. Her family wanted her to parent. She made a choice (one that she felt was best) but she absolutely could have parented. She just didn't feel she wanted to do it all again. I don't say that to negate the fact that many don't feel they have a choice. I wish that weren't the case and that no one had to make such a hard choice because they didn't have the support to parent or felt pressure to place.

Beth - that's a good question - I've often wondered it myself. I had a choice, my parents would not have left me out in the cold. I could've parented, but felt strongly that it was not in the child's best interest at all. There are some that did not have a choice, and hopefully that doesn't happen as much as it used to. I believe a lot of girls are placed in a situation where they feel they have no other option. In either event, is the pain any different? IMO, I don't think so.

well, I feel better knowing that my childs bmom could have parented LO had she chosen too. She willingly chose more than once to place a child for adoption. But dakota is right, her pain is still there.This second child that she placed with us, she felt like she made the choice, but if she had changed her mind, DFS would have been called and she still would not be raising this little boy as he tested positive for drugs and in FL, that's normally an automatic call to DFS. So this second time, I don't really feel like she had a choice. But I also don't think she should have parented him, just because of the drug use.

Was triggered and I think that is what I was getting at. Chosen freely or not, it's not as simple as simply making a choice. To many it seems like it's so simple, a right choice is made, it's all good, live with it and love it. Kind of like a you made your own bed sort of thing. Maybe I've just been reading too many blogs lately where people are desperately praying that some mother, any mother, anywhere in the world, gets in the position to have to make this kind of choice.

I would never think the choice was easy. I can imagine it would be one of the hardest things to do. I would never wish any mother would have to make that kind of a choice.

A person choosing between the gallows and the firing squad is choosing neither. Specially when they are innocent.

Darn it, we need a LIKE button. That was brilliant. Warning, I am going to steal it.