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completely ignored...that's how it is for the ones who raised my daughter...there is nothing...like we were never in each others life...she embraces her birth roots and no one else...she called this summer all upset...the guy she lives with (her birth father's step brother) was being abusive...my husband rushed to pick her up...she was here with her two kids for three days then poof was gone again...so we are dealing with her domestic abuse situation, too...my one son called her to ask why she left without saying good bye or leaving a note...her answer...it was too hard to say good bye so I didn't...I wrote a few letters but have received nothing since...and that was three months ago...when she was here she talked about what a bad man her birth father has turned out to be (she wasn't taken from her birth roots for no reason)...and yet she wanted to go back...hard to understand...but I have to...I have no choice...you can't make someone want a relationship with you... so glad to have this forum to vent and help...
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We are completely ingnored here too. One of the reasons why I don't want to walk out is because after talking with her birthmom I really know she has some mental problems and I can't walk away. I will definitely keep my distance because you can't make someone be with you. I pondered back and forth over the years as to whether my daughter had mental problems but now I know. It runs in her birthfamily. Many people she comes in contact with see her as very smart and mature. So it would be hard to understand unless you lived with her. Her birthmom sees now. I opened my arms of support to her birthmom so we will see how the journey progresses. Funny, I had phone trouble so I called my daughter on my cell phone and she picked up immediately! She didn't know it was me. I asked her to call my home phone to see if it was working and she said yes. I hung up and she disappeared. Now I know she is avoiding me on purpose. I could understand her avoidance if I were yelling at her or I were full of anger, but that is not the case. I tell her I love her and want to support her and want to be a part of the triad. Nothing I say means anything. I hate being ignored. I hate the craziness and I hate feelings of abandonment.............but it is what it is. Reality. I can only work on myself and my emotions. Take Care, Lynn because I care and understand.
The hardest part other than missing them is the rejection, as if you aren't good enough or cool enough to be in their life...sounds superficial but it is how I have felt at times...why not me??? what did I ever do to earn this rejection??? I am learning to live without her in my life...that is the way she seems to want it...so that is that...but the door is always open, unlike one of our relative's approach ...legally disinheriting her...I could never do that...my love is unconditional...but I am not beating my head against a rock anymore...living my life and moving on... this forum has been a godsend...love4 has saved me...truly saved me...it is hard when you think you are the only one going through something like this...
Hi, I'm new to this forum, actually just found it this a.m. A bit of a background on me and J. My h and I adopted her at birth. She was so very beautiful, blonde hair and blue eyes, while my h and I were so very dark, black hair and brown eyes. But all was well. At about 5 she was molested by the son of a friend of her d's. My H was totally unsupportive, even accusing her of making it up. The things she told me at 5 couldn't have been made up, she hadn't seen it or heard of it, so it had to be true. We divorced. She grew older, became friends with another b hair, b eyed -- we sometimes called them twins. At 14 she decided to move in with her Dad because he had promised her a car at 15, or so she told me. Age 15 came and went and no car. He never promised, or so he said. At age 16 she decided to live with best friend and mom. At age 20 she got married and had a child at 22. Divorced at age 23. Moved in and sharing a house with brother of best friend. He, I must say, is a good guy. In May of this year she located b mom in another state and made contact. I was very supportive. Last Sat b mom showed up to stay "indefinately" at best friends mom's house. Day before yesterday she told me we were no longer "compatible". I told her if she ever needed to talk to give me a call. I feel like I've always been on the fringe of her life -- coming to me when she needed something or when she was mad at someone. I'm hurting pretty badly.
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ulbalrite, I am so sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, motherhood whether it is biological or adoptive, is full of "bumps and bruises". My husband has always said that parenting will bring you some of the biggest joys in life and some of the worst heartaches. I hope for you that one day your daughter will turn around and return to you. Best wishes, Barbara ISO bdaughter born 6-6-71
Hi Ulbalrite, Your story is so touching, it's difficult to respond. I'm sorry you are hurting and welcome you to this board. I am new here, too, and feel a bit "whiny" about my own situation when others have much greater difficulties. Even though our situations are different, there seem to be many similarities in the reunion experience. For example, it seems many adoptive mothers try very hard to keep the lines of communication open and remain available to their children forever. They seem to be the person their child comes to when they are in need. Your daughter's comment that you "are no longer compatible" is more severe but similar to something my daughter has said to me. (My daughter is one year into a positive reunion with her birth mother and is definitely going through the "honeymoon" phase.) Reunion is a difficult and uncharted process with little to assist the adoptive parents. The other adoptive mothers on this board have listened to me and it is helping. Please continue posting and we will listen.
"always on the fringe of her life"... we adopted our daughter when she was five and so many times I had to correct her when she referred to everyone but herself as "you guys"...I would say that there isn't a "you guys" ...it is all of us with you included...but I often wondered if she always felt as if she wasn't one of "the guys"...it certainly wasn't because she wasn't included...
I am also new here and need to give a brief bio. I am the b-mom of a 22 y.o. daughter. She and I were reunited earlier this year after she contacted the agency and retrived the info I provided should she ever want to search. All was well at first, we live less than 20 miles apart and we communicated frequently. Her A-parents are wonderful in every way and are very supportive of our reunion. I've thank goodness for them daily since meeting them. Everything seemed great at first until my daughter ran into some issues with her a-mom and decided to "cut her off." She seemed to feel mine was the better life-style and she'd be happier here. It was as if she felt she had options. I became "SuperMom" her She-Ro! Unlike some of the other b-moms in your lives I not only saw through her crap, but I also knew these weren't shoes I could fill. I had this undeniable need to rescue her but I knew that wasn't the answer. It was very very difficult but I decided to severely limit the amount of contact we have. It was so painful, very much like the placement, but again I had to do what was best for her. The A-parents are her family; she has to learn to deal with them. I refuse to inable her. I refuse to hurt them. Her Mom and I actually talk more than she and I do. Today she isn't speaking to either of us so here I sit. I know I could say the magic words "OK Mommy's here, come home and we'll bad mouth them together" but I would never do that. I placed her for life, they adopted her for life; there is no turning back. I feel so bad for the A-parents who are going through this pain. I feel bad for B-moms who are living in this psuedo-relationship with a manipulative bio-child. I will always love Tamara as well as her parents. I love her enough to step back and not become today what I couldn't be then....her mother. I will not interfere, enable or rescue.....Tara
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Thanks Tara, Your daughter is doing similar to what my daughter has done. I talk with her birthmom and we seem to like each other very much. We both want to help my daughter but my daughter is now manipulating her birthmom. She continues to hound her about placing her in an adoptive situation. When she was with me I was responsible for her misery. She continues to blame rather than take a look at her self and how she is dealing with life. Her birthmom is afraid to contact me because my daughter is so abusive. I am hoping that we both can confront my daughter and let her know she cannot control us anymore. It is not good for her and it is not good for us. I don't want to enable either.
Hearing the words from my daughter that we never bonded just crushed me. I gave my all and she tells me it wasn't enough. She told me that nothing I did was enough. Then there are times (which are very few) that she is proud to be a part of our family. Now that I know she is manipulating her birthfamily too it let's me know that it isn't me even though she had trouble with relationships all her life. I feel sad for her. I can't imagine living a life full of anger and hate for all those who love her. Who didn't appreciate all that was done to meet her needs.
Byngee12 Oh my God...thank you thank you for understanding...you are amazing...and it also brings up truly damaged some of these kids are...the game playing and manipulating...and unfortuneately...detachment...I have learned about detachment via this site and it opened my eyes to see that some people seem unable to attach...I used to call it..."foster child" personality...there seemed to be certain survival traits and shallowness to many of the foster people I met...(my daughter included since she had been in a foster home the first five years)... thanks...for giving another side to this all too complicated triangle.....HUGS
Hi Tara, I found your posting as a birth mother very interesting. Over my 35 years as an adoptive mother, I've read a great deal of the literature covering the changing face of adoption and have been frustrated and annoyed at the trend toward portraying adoptive parents in a negative light and placing a majority of emphasis on the birthmother and adoptee. Finding this forum and this very new category has been one of the few avenues of support for me. Your description of your experience with placing your child for adoption and your handling the circumstances following your reunion have helped center my perspective a bit. Thanks. I admire and commend you for placing (for the second time) the long term best interest of your child before what must have been a temptation to be her "she-ro". This process is complicated for all involved but together we will work through it the best we can. Wishing you success in your relationships, Joanne
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Thanks for your kind words but before you get tooooo generous let me assure you that I'm no saint! Believe me when that sad little face appeared at my door with her sad little story my first thought was to grab her up pull her in and throw away the key...anything to keep her mean old A-parents who wiped her runny nose, kissed away her tears and fears, paid for college and so many things in between from getting to her! I almost bought into her madness. Then I remembered the sweet wonderful woman who upon meeting me, this perfect stranger she didn't know from Adam, opening her arms in the middle of a crowded resturant and saying "Thank you for making me a Mommy; it's all I ever wanted to be; when you gave her life you gave me mine back..." She went on to share that she knew from age 19 that she would never give birth and that she was so grateful to me for giving her the opportunity to have a child. The irony is that SHE is the gift I was blessed to provide my daughter with at birth. I thank God for what SHE did; it was so much more than the part I actually played in all of this...IMO. At this point if she were convinced my daughter needed to enter a school and become a goat herder I'd back her 100%! Tammi is her child in every way and I trust her to know whats best for her; its just a *Mommy thing* and if that makes me a bad guy; oh well. I have to remind myself that there are limits and boundaries to be respected here just as there are with anybody else's child. I have neices who try and pull me into parental conflicts and I don't buy into to them so why should I do it now? Its a pull on my heart to say "Sorry but I can't go against what your parents feel is best for you." I think she hears it as "sorry but I don't care " and thats not the case. I love her more than I love myself and sometimes love means walking away. As long as she is safe and loved, I am able to let go and let God....Tara ps>>>Joanne, all of us have stood in the *negative light glow* and girl its not easy from any angle. None of us would be where we are without the other sections of the triad and as soon as we realize that we have more in common than we have apart the better off we'll be. Bless you all....Tara