child not given up, but taken

"DH is worried that as a teenager this boy will want to return to the mother he was never allowed to have." If his mother had given him up, instead of him being taken, you still have the same risk later in life. It is natural curiosity for many adoptees, to want to find their birthmother/father. I think all you can do is tell the TRUTH when the child is old enough to understand. Tell him what happened. If he decides later in life, he wants to find/contact his birthmother, then you both as his adoptive parents must respect that decision. It will be nothing personal to you both. You will find if you are supportive and honest with him, he will never leave you. But he might out of curiosity just want to know who his birthmom is, and have some kind of contact. Hope this has helped. Good luck. Collette

Thanks, Jen. It instantly made me feel better that there are functioning families out there that have to deal with the same things. It's not always a worst case scenario. It's funny, my parents have been fostering for 20 years and have adopted my brother and sister that way, but I still have these worries. I guess I know how I should feel, but just don't feel how I think I should. I know my mom will be a great resource. Have a great one! B.

Collette, Thank-you. You are right, wanting to return to a bmom is always a risk. It worries us a lot because my asis, who always knew her bmom, turned to her bmom's lifestyle as a teenager and got into a lot of trouble. It was (and still is) heartbreaking to see my mom go through it all, trying to help, but being pushed away. I know my mom wouldn't trade it, and there is hope that my sis will "come back", but it's been a long road, and we have to be very sure if we are to go down this road with our ason. Thanks again for your words and support.

Hi there, I felt the need to post a reply here as I am a 29 yr old adoptee who was 'taken' rather than 'given up'. I was taken by the Illinois Dept. of Children and Family Services and they did not share why I was 'taken' from my bparents. My aparents told me when I was very young, but they have not been open to discussion about it and refused to help me with my search. For that I rebelled and had some animosity towards them, but I was never upset with them in the thought that they 'stole' me. I have always been clear on the fact that I was 'taken' by DCFS, not my aparents. They were just a couple who wanted a child they couldn't have on their own, and I happened to be available. I think as long as you are open to discuss the adoption and as honest as you possibly can be, your child will appreciate what you've done for them and how you've helped them have a good life. Although to some degree it hurts me to know my bparents were not able to take care of me for whatever reason that caused me to be taken, I do know that I was given a good life and that it may not have been that way had I been left with my bparents. I was raised in Chicago, and though I've seen alot of good in the city, I've also seen alot of children born in poverty or living with parents who would rather spend the few bucks they have on drugs/alcohol instead of diapers... and though I want to think that wasn't the road with my bparents, no one really knows... and I'm glad I've had a better upbringing, and now one day when I find my bparents maybe we'll have a healthier relationship than we would have back then?? Either way, I have never blamed my aparents for my being 'taken'... not because they told me it wasn't their doing, but more simply, it just never even crossed my mind! I don't know if this helps at all... but just be honest with your child about anything you may know and they will appreciate you for it so much more than some aparents think. thanks, Christa born 11/7/1975 Adopted 12/31/1975 from Elgin, IL DCFS

It's great to hear from someone who has "been there, done that". Something in what you said made me think that I am over-analysing, over-worrying this and that if we are open and honest in love from the start, things will come as they come. We can't prevent everything from happening, but we can pave the way to a supportive relationship with our son and his brelatives. As it was said earlier, he will have some kind of a relationship with his bsiblings, so he hopefully won't feel alone in being "taken", if that's how he feels. I have only daughters, I have absolutely no experience with how boys think and behave.

ember, Thank you so much for asking that question. I am in the process of adopting our 2 fc and was wondering the same things. All of you that responded gave me so much valuable information, Thank you! Christa, I especially thank you for your response. I appreciate you having the courage to speak up from the "child's" point of view. Jensboys, I loved the way you explained things to your children. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to "steal" your ideas - Thank you. :D

Hello, I was a former ward of the state of Il Dept of Children and Families services, and I too have been a victim of them "taking" my son. Because I refused to live in there unhealthy and disgusting shelters and group homes. I now have 3 other children whom are very well taken care of. And I just want my son to know that I never wanted to let him go. The took him from me, and to avoid them going after his sister I had to leave the state until I was old enough to be emancipated from under the care. I don't think it is really fair how IL did this to me, and I don't know anyway to fix it, I just hope that the aparents of my son, will be honest with him and let him know the TRUTH! that I didn't abandon him and I am FULLY capable and willing to have him back in my life. I know the aparents were not very open with me, I tried to send my son gifts and cards for holidays and they were always sent back to me as return to sender...so if there is any hope, the last known address I know of my son is 336 Oakwood Park Forest, IL he was born dec 12, 1993 and his birth name was Alejandro Paz Maxson I Called him Alex. I still have his original papers and birth certificate and social security card and first diaper to prove he is mine and I wiould love to meet him and have him met his brother and sisters...I can be found in the white pages. my email is Sdelgado76@yahoo.com

What a great thread. I adopted my son who came to us as a foster child at 11 months. He's now three. I completely agree with Jenn. Also read her blog about her boys and their journey. It is wonderful and very informative for those of us on this journey. You can find the link to her blog on her public profile. I hope you don't mind, Jenn, but your blog was a real inspiration to me on a day when I needed it. Two things that I find helpful on this journey: (1) Friends who have had similar experiences. These forums are great - and it helps to have a local, personal connection too - like your parents I am sure will be for you. I am very lucky that there are three families at my church who do foster care and eight families who have adopted, some through foster care, some domestic private and some international. There is one boy at church who is one year older than my son who was also placed in forster care as a baby. His mom and I make a point of doing things together so that our boys will have someone else in their lilves with a similr background - hopefully it will help them feel less "different" than other kids. But even if they do feel different, maybe they can be different together. (2) We read books about adoption and books about different kinds of families. There are several for toddlers - I love Todd Parr's "The Family Book" and "The Adoption Book" wonderfully colorful books that celebrate the many ways to be a family. Sounds like your parents will be a wonderful support. Good luck on your journey.

3 of our adopted children were "taken". We tell them that their birth mother's could not take care of any child at that point in their lives. If you say "she couldn't take care of YOU", they may feel that was something wrong with them. I make a point of telling them that their biological siblings also did not live with their biological mothers and that, I think, makes a difference.

Thanks, Josie - I really like your point. You are right. C

As I feel with ALL adoption, one should always tell the truth. One day when the children are old enough, simply tell them she loved them very much, but because of circumstances in her life , she was unable to give them what they needed. But it was not because she did not love them, quite the opposite! these circumstances were obviously beyond any control at that time in her life. GOD simply chose you and their dad to be the ones to take them into your heart. I believe that truth really is the best, especially when raising children. JMO.....

We have adopted two from the foster system. Our son was removed from his birthmother when he was almost four. He has memories of his life with her. They are not good memories. But when we talk about his birthmother I tell him that she loved him very much, but she had didn't know how to take care of a child as she was not taken care of very well when she was a child. I tell him that she was very young, and very confused, but always remind him that she did love him, even though she didn't know how to be a mommy. Our daughter was nine when she came to us. She was removed from her birthmother when she was five, but had lived with her grandmother from the time she was removed till she came to us. Her mother was strung out on drugs for over fifteen years. We talk about addiction, and how damaging it is, and how addicts just cannot make good choices, and she was not able to keep T safe. It is good also because it is a good opener for discussing drugs and alcohol. Since her mother was an addict, and T was prenatally exposed to drugs she herself will be more prone to addiction. We do have an open relationship with her birthfamily, but I monitor contact carefully as bmom still makes some pretty bad choices, even without the drugs.

Child might be given or taken but the main thing is to care for him/her..We should give them the best as much as we can.

Always interesting to me when old, OLD threads pop up :) I originally wrote on this thread in 2004. My sons were then 8 and 9 ... now 12 and almost 14. We took my 13 year old to reunite this summer - and yesterday I was cleaning out an under the stairs closet and asked him if he wanted his "file" because it was easy to access. His answer - is it big? Yes its big. Would I have to read it all? Yes, well its all information. Do I know everything? yes you know everything. Ok then no, just leave it in there. So my advice -- now all these years later is pretty much the same. Be HONEST -- even brutally honest, and know that the truth with eventually come out, but be COMPASSIONATE and supportive at the same time. Raising kids that come from troubled backgrounds takes more than love - it takes wisdom, strength, honesty, advocacy etc etc etc

Many women love the children to whom they have given birth, even though the children wound up being removed from them by the courts. Yes, they made some very bad decisions in their lives. Some took drugs. Some stole. Some became prostitutes. Some lost their jobs because they were always drunk. Some made bad choices of husbands and lovers, picking men who were violent and abusive. Some fell so low that they could not afford to buy food. Some even harmed their children, or abandoned them. But deep inside, they loved their kids. Most often, it isn't a very mature love, of course. A lot of the women, themselves, were abused or neglected, or never had role models who taught them about how to nurture children. Many of the women were young when they gave birth, or had mild developmental delays or mental illness, or were around people who treated babies like the dolls they never had, or who had children because they wanted their boyfriends to love them. But on some level, they still loved their children, even when they struck them because "that kid cried all the time", and they didn't have the impulse control to put up with it. Even if it was the only thing they did right and out of love, they gave their children life.Do these women "deserve" losing their kids, as well as going to prison if they committed acts of abuse or neglect, even if they say they love their children? I don't like the word, "deserve", but yes, because our system of justice cannot just let people go free when they break the law, even if they came from a tough background. And our legal system places a great emphasis on the obligation to ensure that vulnerable citizens, including children and the elderly and the mentally challenged, are protected and provided with appropriate care. If women are unable to appreciate the difference between right and wrong because of mental illness or some other problem, then they need treatment in a secure facility, instead of prison, but they still can't keep their children, if they can't keep them safe. For children in foster care, there is a very strong emphasis on giving their birthmothers a chance to get their lives back on track, before making a decision to terminate their parental rights. But ultimately, if their birthmothers have continuing issues that prevent them from keeping their children safe and taking good care of them, their parental rights will be taken away.In my mind, it's not hard to tell a child that, from all you know of his/her situation, his/her birthmother probably loved him very much, and probably still loves him/her. However, even adults make very bad decisions occasionally, or have such serious problems that they can't keep a child safe and give him/her proper care. If you know any specifics about the child's case, when he/she reaches an age where he/she is intellectually and emotionally mature enough to process the information, you can give a lot more details; your child deserves to know the truth. But that truth needs to include the fact that most mothers love the child who comes out of their bodies and carries half of their genes, but quite a few mothers, despite their love, are not capable of providing a safe and caring home for him/her, so that the child needs another family in order to reach his/her full potential.I also agree heartily with the poster who stated that it's important to say, "Your birthparents could not take care of any child," rather than, "Your birthparents couldn't take care of you," because having parental rights terminated has almost nothing to do, in most cases, with that particular child. Yet many children feel that they "caused" their birthparents to relinquish them or caused them to lose their parental rights, just as they often believe that they were the cause of a parental divorce, a foreclosure on their home, etc. Kids take things very personally, but they need to understand that THEY didn't make the bad decisions or do the unsafe things that caused their Moms and Dads to lose their parental rights. As soon as a child has the intellectual and emotional maturity to process it, adoptive families should give him/her honest explanations of the events that led to his/her removal from the home, and should be reminded that, while his/her birthparents almost certainly loved him/her and still do, the things they did, and that they may still do, showed that they were not capable of raising a child.Sharon