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I don't want to start a sob story, and if I offend or hurt anyone, I apologize, that was never my intention.
I am 17..last summer...summer 2004..June 4th, my birthday, I went camping with my family and a lot of our family friends. My sister, Me, friend Lindsey, and friend Courtney (a guy) went boating. Coming back from boating as my sister and Lindsey walked back to camp, I stayed and cleaned the boat. When I was down there, Courtney came up to me and told me that he could get what he wanted, when he wanted, however he wanted to. I was being harrassed by a friend of mine, honestly, who does that? For a second I didn't understand what he was trying to say, then all these ideas started to run through my head, my best friend Andy always told me he was dirty scum, worthless, not good enough to be my friend, but I always took it as Andy just being jealous, but he was right.
When I walked back to camp and got into my tent after having my sister tell me that she wanted to tent with lindsey, Courtney came in and took advantage of me. ( I'm sorry, but I don't think its called rape when I didn't do anything about it, I didnt scream, I could have called for help, I didnt push him off, I could have though, but I did say no and I didnt want it,)
Before he even done anything to me, he had told me that if I said anything or made any noise, he would tell my family who I had sex with for the first time. and at the time, it was my sisters boyfriend, they had a daughter, my niece together. and I felt so much shame, I knew he would tell my family, he was sneaky like that, and I could never let my family know that I slept with my sisters boyfriend (they are no longer together for future reference) I felt and still feel so dirty, it seriously feels like I should be on Jerry Springer begging for my step-sisters forgiveness...but I was drunk that night that it happened, and it was the only time I had ever had sex. I was so ashamed. So I let Courtney hurt me...and when it was over, he left, didnt even say a word to me.
I was camping, we had no showers, no nothing, I couldnt wash him off me, all I could do was lay there and know that the only reason that it happened was because it was my fault, and I knew it.
Now its December 1st...and I'm 6 months pregnant and I've got no one to blame but myself. My mind changes so often that I never know what I'm going to do, almost got an abortion, backed out at the last second, I could never give my son up for adoption, so theres only one solution and thats to give birth to him and raise him, now I'm afraid.
I told Courtney I was pregnant when I took the hospital blood test and 2 1/2 month ultrasounds and sat him down in an empty class room and showed them to him. He threw them in the garbage and walked out. 2 weeks later he handed me a blank check and told me to take care of my problem..
So I did...I went to the carnival and charged an obsene amount of money on swords and knives for my oldest brother Robert. I late then regretted what I had done and payed him back all of the money I owed him in full and 4 weeks later went to a clinic in phoenix to have an abortion, but I couldnt do it, I was too emotional and had a friend drive me all the way back home.
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to think, I'm confused and I'm hurt, and I'm lost, and what hurts most of all is that my best friend Cruz, knows everything that happened to me, ignored me the first 2 weeks after I told him, doesnt understand what I'm going through and doesnt approve of me having the baby. But I'm so deep in love with him that I might as well be 6 feet under already...Help me please
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I have no experience with rape and know no one who has been, but "no" means "no" if it was loud enough for him to hear.
Have you talked to your parents? They need to know what has happened. You must be showing, but maybe not. Also talk to a school counselor. There are support groups for teen moms and other services available. Most important is to talk this over with your family. Stay in school as long as you can. At 17 you are probably close to getting your diploma. That will mean a lot to the future of you and your child. If you must miss a term while the baby is young, catchup in summer school or as soon as you can. Perhaps a family member will be able to babysit while you attend class.
Take care of yourself and your child.
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*hugs* i've experienced rape before, and at first i didnt want to believe it was rape. but it was, and as is your case. you said no and thats all that matters. the fact that he had the nerve to basically say "go have an abortion" means that hes extremely selfish. and your friend was right about him being a dirt bag. do what YOU think is right for you. and tell your friend cruz that you care about him, and that if he were truly your friend hed support you whatever decision you make. also, do talk with your parents about what happened. you dont have to bring up any details if you dont want to. if you simply want to say "i'm pregnant, i need help, can you help me" thats all you have to do. if they ask you who got you pregnant tell them that you arent comfortable telling them (if your not). as always take very good care of yourself. and your parents will understand. even if you tell them the full story they will understand. i always thought my parents would say i was lieing or tell me that it was my fault. and that is the farthest thing from any parents mind when they hear about things like that. they just want to make sure that you are ok. they'll support you whatever decision you make. theyre your parents, and chances are one of them was in a similar situation as you. if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. and take care of yourself and your child.
Right now you are riding on a wave of emotions You go through moments of loving, wanting the baby, then another of wanting your life back to be normal.....
Well truth be told, but you can't go *back* unfortunately, but you can go forward.
at 21, not quite your age, but going through the same emotions as you, I never told my parents until I had already signed the adoption papers., I never knew the strong feelings my mom had in wanting to help me raise my child, but it was my decision. I didn't want my child growing up to be my parents responsibiity, I was the one pregnant, and felt I needed to make the decision. Abortion was not even a question. But since you are only 17, you need to consult your parents, or a legal adult who can help you with your emotions, you can't go through this alone.
Please talk to someone immediately. You have time to decide, but don't wait too long, it will be here before you know it. And your emotions will waver strongly through the next few months.
Be strong. You can do this.
Keep us posted.
First off NONE of this was your fault!! NONE!! You were taking advantage of by an absolute creep who used emotional blackmail as pressure to sexually exploit you. It really desn't matter if you did not fight him off or scream, you did not say YES, so it is date rape. You probably could not prove that in a court of law, but you still have every right to try. You have the right to go to the police and even if there is not any of the imediate physical evidence of the rape, the fact that you are pregnant with his child is proof enough of the sex act. Plus that he gave you a check to cover an abortion is proof of his admittance to it. If nothing else it might make him think before he attempts it again.
As this is his child he is still legally and financailly responsible for him/her..which means that you can make him pay for it for the next 18 to 21 years. You might need to eventually get DNA testing, but again, that he gave you a check means something.
If I was you, I would go to my parents however hard it must be. Parents can be pretty surprising at times. I bet they know something is wrong and would be glad to know what it is. I think it would be important to tell them what really happened. Even if you could tell them what he held agaisnt you. If they know..then he can no longer blackmail you with that information. Take away his power over you!!!
Of course you are scared and confused, that's an awfully big burden for something to go through no matter what their age and experiences. You do need support and understanding from others. There are rape groups where you can share some of your feelings with those who do understand..and again!! Its not your fault!!! But it is easy to feel like it is....
It sounds like you love this baby dispite his parentage, and I commend you for that. With the proper support for you and your baby, I am sure that you could be an excellent mother and take what was a terrible and unfair situation and turn it around to be a great joy in your life.
Please get some help. Talk to your parents..oh, and have you gone to a doctor?? That's important too.
Be well and keep talking!!
Claud
What do you think could have happened if you did try to scream?? Don't go there with the guilt. Yes, you didn't make the best choices and weren't in the best position, but if this guy was creepy enough to do what he did to you, who's to say he wouldn't have hurt you more if you tried to fight him. Don't go there with the guilt. YOU were violated sexually, raped.
Now you are going through a different situation of being a young mom which can be difficult in and of itself. You are going to have a beautiful, innocent baby who you will raise to be respectful of people because you will be a stronger person out of this mess. That's what I think :). This too shall pass. I agree, you need to move forward now and focus on the joy of mommyhood. Kids are such a blessing. Though it wasn't choice timeing, this little baby is precious. Enjoy your child :).
There are much better guys out there. This guy has shown 0 respect for you or his unborn baby. I hope one day you will meet a great guy who will love you and respect you and be a great daddy to your child. For right now, you focus on you and your baby. Please take care of yourself.
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Go to your phone book, look up the number for the local pregnancy crisis center, and call them. They can help you sort out your thoughts and emotions.
They will not pressure you in to either parenting or placing your child in an adoptive home. They will listen and help. Planned Parenthood, for example, has locations all over the country, are reputable and unbiased (i.e. will not advocate for one choice over another based on faith, beliefs, religion, funding, etc.) They also have counselors who have experience counseling sexual assault victims. Believe me on that, I am the victim of a sexual assault myself.
[url]http://www.plannedparenthood.org/[/url]
Best,
Regina
Hi,
Ive been where you are҅it was the second hardest decision I ever madebut I decided to parent him.
My son is now ten years oldŅit hasnt always been easy҅paternity was established early on, because his father went to jail for the assaultbut heŒs never paid child support, and I suspect he never will.
You have to look at all of your options realisticallyare you prepared to raise a child on your own with little to no help from anyone else? There are government programs, suck as WIC, AFDC and food stamps that will help youŅbut don't expect child supportyou may never get itŅthen if you do, itll be that much better.
Your friends feelings about this really should have no baring on your decision҅in the long run, it is you who will have to live with whatever decision you makebe it parenting or placing.
You also need to call your local police departmentŒs sex crimes division (if there is one) and find out where the local support groups meet for sex assault victims. You really need to come to terms with your guilt and feelings BEFORE you make what could be the biggest decision of your life.
Listen to what these women have told you, and the most important thing is that it is NOT your fault, by no means. I too would call this rape when you told him no and he continued to take advantage of you.
You need to talk with your parents and let them know you are pregnant and that you want to raise your child. As Claud said, parents can surprise us at times with their understanding and support. It will be hard to sit down and tell them this, but they would want to know. Look at it like this, if it were your daughter, wouldn't you want her to come to you regardless of her fears and disappointments.
Please reach out for the support you need, as I am sure you will find it here along with locating a support group in your area for sexual abuse and teen pregnancy. You do not have to be alone on this journey.
My prayers are with you ~
Terri
This guy uses his attitude to confuse his victims. He acts like he can have what he want and that he won't feel guilty as if he deserves whatever he takes. He also fed you the most ridiculous line for a threat. Why would it matter if he told them you'd had sex if you just went home and said that you'd been raped? The whole check thing is classic. He can't buy his way out of his mistakes.
Hindsight is 20/20 but you've still got a lot more dealing with this guy in your future and so does your sister, neice and the entire rest of your family. He will always be your baby's bfather and that gives him rights (unfortunately).
I hope that you can find a way that you can be totally honest with your family. You and the baby can use all the love and support they can get. And you know your family will eventually find out so keeping secrets will just make it worse. Dishonesty will hurt everyone involved. I'm not suggesting a rash outburst and a Springer-style expose`. Talk to someone like they suggested and maybe even have their assistance in talking to your family.
As far as your doubts about the rape. Don't analyze it so much that you doubt yourself. You either said No or you didn't and you either felt raped at the time or you didn't. Its that simple. If you were drinking or even if you did anything before the sex act that would be considered romantic or sexual with him, after you say "No" its rape. On the other hand, if something happened between the two of you and you're merely ashamed of an indiscretion... thats a horse of a different color... time heals all wounds, honesty is the best policy, yadda yadda. In either situation, you won't be able to live with the repercussions of dishonesty.
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My first time, similar to yours. I didnt get pregnant, the guy at least used protection. But I was to stoned to even say no. So I didnt say anything. Is it rape? Well sometimes I think so and other times I dont. Either way he DID take advantage of me, and that guy took advantage of you. I agree with Brandy that getting some counseling-specially on your feelings of it being your fault- is something you should do before making a huge decision as to adoption. I'm willing to chat anytime. PM me if you want to talk.