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I'm in an awkward situation. I am adopting my 3 1/2 yo grandniece. My nephew and ex-girlfriend's daughter. Her bp's lost their parental right Oct 2003 due to drugs/homelessness/ incarceration. I was not able to Foster her early on because I lived in a county 500 miles away and it would prevent the reunification plan with parents. The parents failed reunification. My sister, filed appeals for bp's delaying placement again. Then told lies about foster home/mom in court that weren't investigated. After 15 mo in foster care I was able to take my Leesi home only to have her yanked away in a month by her birth grandmother (my sis) because of the unsubstantiated testimony told to the Judge. He dismissed the county from supervising my grandniece and dismissed Social Services dependency. My sister got temporary guardianship for almost 5 mos. We went to court and I won permanent guardianship in July, my sister fled from CA to Idaho. The CA D.A. said we had to try to get her before they could help. Because she wasn't in danger they couldn't do an Amber Alert. We went to ID, got legal standing with our Court Orders in ID and picked up Leesi with the help of the Idaho court, sheriff and police. My ds had brainwashed this poor child, telling her that she was her true mother (she's 63) and for my grandniece to call her Mama. She said that my mom and I were evil and angry and taught her to resist me, fight me, scream loudly and say "You're hurting me" when I touched her or corrected her. I know it sounds crazy (it is) but I began to see/hear a pattern in dd responses and I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "My nana told me to." I spent a couple of months deprogramming her and now it seems to be settling down but it was a lot of hard, tearful work. Sorry that was so much info but I thought it was important background info.
Anyway, my dilemma is birthmom and birthgrandmother want contact and I'm not sure how to handle it. Both are in denial about parental rights termination and the adoption. Birthmom told my mom, "After all I am her mother."
I don't want my child confused anymore than she already has been. She is finally feeling secure and that she is home. My gut feeling right now is to protect her and not allow contact yet. I don't really feel confortable with an open adoption, at least not right now, even though they know who I am. Any ideas?
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Due to their rights being taken away from the courts, I would wait and maybe talk to a counselor about how it would affect your dd. We have a different situation with my nephew and his ex-girlfriend voluntarily relinquishing their rights (they're 15 years old) so I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
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You don't have to have a legally "open" adoption in order to let them see her in the future. For that matter there are varying degrees of openness. Get legal coucil.
The things you've said sound pretty dramatic. Sounds like you consider them a flight risk. And no one sounds like they're in any position to make a finalized decision at this point. In fact, the allegations and accusations sounds like everyone is in an unhealthy state of mind and might consider mediation and therapy.
Try to keep the peace if you can. They are related to her and as much as you want to keep her away from them at this point, she will meet back with them in her future, and one can only hope that life situations improve for all involved so a healthy relationship for the child is possible.
Take your time and come to a decision that you set firmly to. Consistency is crucial (with her and family). Be clear that your intentions are for her best interests. Things need to be calm and non-confrontational for her sake. If you're considering letting them be around her (now or in the future) you could always set boundaries and criteria... sobriety, counselling, set time-frames, location, supervision, etc.
They're not going to give up with out a fight especially after the unhealthy turmoil and conflict leading up to this... it might even end up that they're fighting just to win. Thats why I think its SO important that everyone keep the focus selflessly on her health and happiness for LONG TERM.
COUNSELLING!!!
Focus on her longterm wellbeing
Keep the peace
Take your time making a decision/plan and STICK TO IT
Possibly create options for increased openness in future
Make it legal to protect all interest involved.
People 'using' can turn themselves around but it takes years if they even can do that at all. No matter what, she needs to know that her situation is stable and safe forever... no unexpected changes up the road. Unfortunately you have to convince them that their situation with her will be stable and safe with no unexpected changes as well.
Hope that wasn't too long winded... good luck... but seriously be sure to talk to all of your professionals!!