Do Birth Mothers Want to be Found?

Reading this thread and others related to it, I cannot help but wonder if I have this whole " i'll let the other do the first move" situation upside down. I'm 24, there is the relatively easy access to my file and information who is sort of detailed. So if there has been nothing done so far, perhaps its a sign I should be the one initiating. It would be ironic if both of us ( my birthmom and I) wanted to be found but waited for the other to make the first move. You have to work past fear of the unknown ( not that it is as easy as clicking the lightswitch). Like I wrote elsewhere, I have contact information and a phone number of my birthmom's mom. I Wish i could write a letter instead so it wouldn't be so 'invasive'. In one of life's little ironies... i think we all at some level wish to be found, we just don't always want to search. Marc-Andr ( Ottawa, Ontario 27-01-1982) I'm sorry you had it so rough Cindy, but all good things happen to those who wait. I know that line is kinda cheezy and can be sometimes infuritating, but its true when you think about it. Take care

Marc-Andre, it is so true what you have written. For the first 18 years of my son's life I often thought about the possibility of us meeting/having contact one day which helped me to keep going. When he turned 18 the fears started coming out so I was frightened of this happening. Hindsight being what it is I wish I had searched and that he hadn't found my family but at least I know he is alive and well. Pip :wings:

Dear Marc-Andre, I will share a part of my experience in hopes that it may help others. After relinguishing my son in 1968 I bought into the idea that it would be a terrible thing for me to try to find him as it would painfully disrupt his & his family's life .I believed I had forfeited all my rights. And so, I registered at the Adoption Disclosure Registry in Toronto ,as soon as they allowed it ( when he turned 18yrs) thereby leaving the choice up to him . My thinking here was that I was respecting his choice to have me in his life , or not. And I surely did not want to cause him any pain. And then I saw a live panal discussion on educational TV when they first started talking openly about adoption . One of the male adoptees stressed that it was very important for the bparents to look for their child , that the adopted person needed to know that he was wanted by his bmom/parents. I was shocked at the time as it contadicted everything I had been repeatedly told. I contacted this male adoptee - who had found his bmom after she died- and he urged me to look for my son. He explained to me it was something concrete I could do to try to undo the harm I may have caused my son by relinguishing him. This was a radical new way of looking at the situation as I had felt like such a terrible person for giving him away and felt it was only just that I suffer for doing so.So, I started to actively search for my son . But, I only did that because a male adoptee gave me 'permission' & had convinced me the worth of doing so. Otherwise, I'm sure I would never have looked for him because I had fullly bought into the societal belief that to do so was only to extend the harm I had already done. Times have changed ! Now, the needs of the adoptee to know his story, to know his roots are being recognized as 'a right'. And so adoptees are being encouraged to search if they have an interest in doing so. But, if I was an adoptee, it would mean so much more to me, to have my parents look for me. And, I believe that as an adoptee it would be very difficult to step out & initiate a contact & take the risk that I would once again be rejected by my bmom/parents. All that being said, one of the things that I need to consider in my own situation is that my son has no need or desire to 'find me' as the means to do so have been there for 20 years. Next year, when the adoptive records are open in Ontario perhaps I will find out his preference. My thoughts & prayers are for a happy, fulfilling resolution for you & all your family members.I'm so glad to see you posting and am so touched by your consideration for others. victoria

DLaurence, I wanted to be found and I was in 2003. I wouldn't have searched for her though, because I gave up my right to know her. Best of luck in your reunion, Barb

Pip, you sure can!!! I'm a firm believer that we can all use more loving relatives! Blessings on everyone's searches! Kathy By the way, I couldn't resist another grandchild pic - Will he be a computer expert like his uncle, my bson?

Kathy ... :clap: at this rate I shall have to visit sooner rather than later to spoil him rotten :D ...Pip

Come on over... it's always best to spoil them while they still want to be spoiled (or at least when spoiling them costs a LOT less money!)Kathy

My mother put a note in my file when she relinquished me, "If Amy comes of age and wants contact, that would be fine with me." 23 yrs. later, one phone call, one letter, and then nothing for 7 yrs. . . . . . Then she says on the phone about 4 months ago, "I changed my mind. We have no connection to each other. You are not my child. I am not a mother of a 30 yr. old. I have my kids(ADOPTED, NON BLOOD, NO RELATION, EXCEPT VALUABLE BY COST!!!) That hurts. A lot!! Even after she KNOWS what I went through for 18 years, the ABUSE, mental, physical, and SEXUAL that my ADOPTED mother allowed HER FATHER to do to me every single weekend he was at my house! Even though she knows that since I was 8 yrs. old I DREAMED, I LONGED, I CRIED EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR NIGHTS ON END that "my mommy would come get me out of this" SHE DOESN'T CARE! I understand that many, MANY, if not all birthmothers go through EXCRUCIATING EMOTIONAL PAIN through the whole process of RELINQUISHMENT, and I'm not downplaying that. But, if I WAS A BIRTH MOTHER, and if I felt threatened for my secret to get out, ANY WAY. . . I STILL would do whatever I could POSSIBLE to SECRETIVELY meet the EMOTIONAL needs of MY CHILD that I GAVE UP years ago, IF my BLOOD CHILD, NEEDED IT EMOTIONALLY IN his/her life. There's private P.O. BoxesThere's "I need to go see a friend of mine. . .I'll be back in a few days."Theres EMAILThere's PHONE CALLS WHEN NOONE IS HOME. IF I REALLY CARED ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF OTHERS, and knew that being other than LOVING, and CARING, would be a HYPOCRITE, I would go out of my way to make amend for the decisions THAT I MADE when I WAS PROMISCUOUS and DOING MY OWN THING, back in the day! If I was raped, the same thing. It's not my BIOLOGICAL CHILD'S fault for her/his feelings of ABANDONMENT, or NEGLECT. I am NOT, LABELLING ALL BIRTH MOTHERS to be rejectful of their BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN, Montraviatommyg is one of the most LOVING PEOPLE IN THIS WEBSITE. I wish she was MY BIRTH MOTHER!!!!!!!!! But, the question in this forum was, "Do Birth Mothers Want to Be Found?" If I was a BIRTH MOTHER, and I WISH MY BIRTH MOTHER would WANT TO BE FOUND AND BE GIVEN A CHANCE to just LISTEN, TOUCH AND HEAR from the CHILD that was in her womb for 9 months! Now, some may say, "Amy, you're not a birthmother, if you walk in my shoes, you may do/feel differently." No, I know me, my personality and my care for what others feel inside. Even my husband, and I have both said, if someone called today and said, "Uh, ---- I'm your child." We would take them in and love them (after a DNA test ofcourse) because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO! How could I IGNORE THE PAST?????? As an ADOPTEE, I can't!! So, how could MY OWN MOTHER? And, for that. . . JUST LOOKING AT ME. . . . . .and for other birth mothers, maybe they have a child, like my mom has who IS IDENTICAL to their own parents. I AM IDENTICAL TO MY G'MA. HER CHERISHED MOTHER, who died in 1994. Just that would make ME WANT CONTACT with my own flesh and blood! (The pic is my g'ma's right side and my left side put together. Even the teeth match!) My mom has 2 ADOPTED, CHILDREN who when they reach 18, they are going back overseas, GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY, for their ADOPTED children to MEET THEIR OWN BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES, to see, touch, hear, etc. from their FLESH AND BLOOD!!! Ironic, hypocritical, I think. When her OWN FLESH AND BLOOD wants nothing more that THAT MYSELF!!!

Since I am the REAL CHILD, the BLOOD CHILD, the REAL FAMILY member, shouldn't I be given the same respect and emotional support that the ADOPTED, children receive?

l As I have said before, your posts break my heart. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a hug because you need it. But, with all due respect, those ADOPTED children are her real children just as you are. Again, I am so sorry you hurt so much and that you are not getting the emotional support you need from her :(

You hit it on the nail, I AM HER CHILD! So, shouldn't I be given the same respect, emotional comfort and fulfillment that she is giving the ADOPTED CHILDREN she chose to have???? My point is that for kids who are not even BLOOD, UMBILICAL CORD fed of her, she's this GREAT, SUPER PERSON TO GO 1/2 WAY AROUND THE WORLD AND ADOPT, and not only that, BUT FULFILL THEIR EMOTIONAL NEEDS TO RETURN THEM FOR A VISIT TO THEIR BIOLOGICAL ROOTS AND MEET, SEE, TOUCH, HEAR, SMELL THEIR BLOODLINE. WITHOUT BEING OFFENSIVE------HOW CAN SHE OR ANY BIRTH MOTHER, IGNORE THE PAST?????????

I agree with you that it is not fair and you are not being treated with the respect and support that you so obviously need. You are her child too and you deserve comfort, love and respect. I am truly sorry that you are not getting that. I just find it offensive (as a soon to be adoptive mom) that you classify her "adopted" children as not "real"... that's all. I'm sure it's the emotions talking but it doesn't make it any less offensive. You are very angry (and rightfully so)... I just hope you get the support you need :grouphug:

Amy, one of the reasons why birth mothers ignore the past is because it is so painful. Obviously I can't speak for your bmum as I don't her therefore don't why she has behaved the way she has. I know from my own experience that I had no support and my family did not want my son discussed under any circumstances even though he found them. They were that disrespectful to him that they denied knowing where I was and didn't tell me they had contact with him. These are are the people who should be supportive yet have caused nothing but problems and told lies. When I found my son for the first time in 23 years I talked about him and why he was adopted which was extremely painful and hard. The reason I persevered was because I love (loved) him BUT it didn't make it any easier. Our reunion has gone through difficulties due to my family which took me a long time to forgive them for and they are part of the reason we both pulled back. I have suffered with depression on and off since my teens which got really bad last year due to reunion and my family's behaviour. At times it would have made life much easier just to completely back off and have nothing more to do with my son. However that wouldn't solve anything. Pip

Amy, Like others here, I wish I could give you a hug. I personally can't imagine not wanting a relationship with my child. As a pastor I deal with many people who handle their emotions very poorly. Grief is especially difficult. I wonder if the fact that you look so much like her beloved (dead) mother is part of the problem. When she looks at you she feels guilty for all the ways she failed her mother, failed to live up to her expectations, etc. Sometimes people avoid difficult subjects by acting as if they don't exist. (If I tell myself you're not part of my life, I don't have relive that time and reevaluate the decisions I made. I don't have to confront the fact that my child did not have a better life by being "relinquished".) She can convince herself she's ok by focusing on her adopted kids. Maybe she's trying to prove to herself that she can be a good parent. These are of course only speculations. Try to believe that her rejection is not about you! I suspect that until she deals with the issues in her own life, she will be unable to have a relationship with you. (It's her loss!) Remember, you have a choice. It's seems to me from the little I've read about you that you are a survivor. You have not given into the pain of abuse, etc. Grieve the fact that your bmother is not the person you need and want her to be. That's not your fault. You are lovable (and loved). Blessings,Kathy

i would LOVE to be found by her....... but instead i know where she is......but if she wanted a relationship with me now even though shes a minor ......i would most gladly start a relationship with her.......