survivors' guilt

Maybe you should try to create a friendship/relationship with her, rather than trying to make things better for her. You cant make things better for herif she is suffering over the loss of being able to parent your son, then thatŒs something she is going to have to work thru on her own, or talk to a professional about so he/she can help her work thru it. I don't think anyone expects you to get into deep conversations you arent comfortable with҅but your agency is rightif there is any way at all that you can do this, it really is a good idea. Besides, things may not be the same this time, as they were last time. Most importantly, don't try to parent her. She is an adultŅtalk to her like you would talk to a friendit may not be easy at first, but it gets easier. S (my daughters mom) and I have become increasingly close over timeŅour relationship, which initially started with the birth of their daughter, has continued to grow into a genuine friendship that we all treasure deeply. So, I guess, my one word of advicedon't try to be her mother, be her friend. Be open, talk about your feelingsŅlet her talk about hersget to know herŅit may be the most rewarding relationship you ever have.

Thanks for your advice. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my beef is with the agency. I guess I just bristle at their heavy handedness in telling us what is best for our son and their almost willful misunderstanding of our feelings. It's like they don't recognize us as his parents. Birthmom is respectful of our role, but they are not.

I wanted to point out a need that many people do not recognize: the need for your own personal boundaries. The draining energy thing in a social situation is related to this... (in other words, there are energy draining people and you must protect yourself from them - I know, it's all boundary/ psychology talk but pretend I'm Dr. Phil!). So here, we're talking emotional boundaries. Like with my mom, when she starts talking bad about someone, she gets kinda whiny and needs me to affirm her beliefs. I find this very draining! So now I have 3 responses: "Uh huh... So... have you finished that new painting?" Change of subject. "Really?, I've noticed that before too. Oh, did you hear....?!" Change of subject or "I don't want to talk about them, let's drop it" Blunt,mean response (she thinks I'm mean, she might be right). Perhaps a succint note to the agency would help :) Ask them to not call so often. The relationship is between the acouple and the bmother, they cannot dictate how that relationship goes. They can insist it be open or more open, etc, but not how the openness goes, make sense? One is related to form the other content. Yes, I think openness is best for the child. And I think sticking to the agreed upon plan of how to undergo said openness is critical. But I'm concerned that you feel... well I suspect you feel anxiety surrounding this whole thing. And that is not good... So... you can basically tell the agency to back-off and you can befriend the birth mother. Good luck Maia ps you are getting asteriks for your abbreviation of birth mother b/c that abbreviation is offensive to some. Instead try to use bmom or birthmother, etc...

Here's the thing, though. We are the only ones who are sticking with the commitments we made at the time of the placement. We all agreed on pictures/letters 2x year. Bmom (thanks for the heads up on the acronmn, never even thought about it) wanted that, we wanted that, the agency supported it. Now Bmom has changed her mind, and agency has changed its mind, and we are now the badguys. That's what's so upsetting. I understand that bmom's feelings have changed, and it makes perfect sense that she could not predict her feelings that well when she was in the midst of so much pain, but the fact remains that we are made out as the badguys when we have kept our word.

Hey, thanks for the insight. I wish I would have found this forum the last time I did the email thing. Can I ask you what you think about the whole "perfect mom" syndrome I'm going through, from a bmom perspective? I feel like I have to be one, and if she really gets to know me, there will invariably be something I say that doesn't jive with her, and she'll regret her decision. For example, she and her mother like naturopathic remedies. (Her mother's a nurse). I agree with the philosophy of not overmedicating wholeheartedly, except that my son has asthma and nearly died when he was 6 months old because we trying not to overmedicate him with steroids. So, now we medicate him. I don't feel like explaining all that to her. It would feel too much like co-parenting. She sort of hints at things like this and I pretend like I didn't pick up on it because I know I'll resent it if I have to justify myself on these issues. Anyway, if you're in the mood to give me more free advice, go crazy on me. Thanks.

Yeah I too am a parent already (15yr old - ack) and I understand the not perfect thing, so I can see through the facade I guess and know it is a facade. But, I'm usually ill at ease in a situation where I don't have control of enough of the variables (my home, knowing enough people, for ex) and so don't 'let my hair down' so I understand that is what gracie's amom is doing a lot around ME <shrug> I don't know what kind of a mom she is otherwise. I accept that I won't know until Gracie is older. Just less stress that way. You know, I read your other thread too and thinking that semi-open is best then, still means that you will gain so much understanding from these forums on how beneficial more openness can be :) Enjoy the forums :)