Sexualized behaviors

Masturbation is quite common but it is good to be aware of the situation and stay on top of it, either reminding her to go to her room or redirecting her behavior if going to her room or other private area is not available at that time (if in public etc.) And like you said, no shameful redirection, but very important to emphasize what kind of touching (herself) is okay, and what kind of touching is not okay (others). Eventhough your other child is older, I would still not allow unsupervised play time etc., at least not for awhile until you have a better idea on her behaviors. A younger child can manipulate an older child quite easily, depending on her learned behaviors, personality etc. So it's good that you are keeping M in sight. I would suggest talking to both of your girls at the same time about "good touch/bad touch" and what the rules are. That way, each one knows the rules very clearly and M knows that C knows etc. Everything out in the open tends to help so there's less chance of any secrecy. And also lessens any confusion over what 1 child might have interpreted and another may have interpreted differently. And I'm sure you've already told both of them that if any kind of bad touch is going on, that you need to know about it and it's okay for them to talk to you about it. Again, in the open so the rules are very clear. Crick

I haven't had any direct experience with this, but a friend of ours has a foster son who exhibited these same behaviors. You may want to discuss this with his worker just so he/she knows but what you are doing sounds great. :)

My friend's daughter, who is bio and I would wager has had no inappropriate experiences of a sexual nature, has done this habitually since she was a toddler, always when she is tired and going to bed, or should be in bed but is up late. It took my friend a while to get up the nerve to bring it up with her pediatrician, but she did when the girl was 4 or 5 and continued to show no embarassment in front of her parents, gparents or whoever was reading her bedtime story. No one had ever mentioned it to the girl, everyone just acted like they didn't notice or it wasn't happening...I suppose out of embarassment or not wanting to shame her. Anyway, I guess my friend thought that by this age, the girl would have picked up enough social cues that other people don't do that in front of her, some things are private, etc., but she hadn't. The dr. told her it was normal and not to worry, also not to shame the child. The result was that my friend said nothing, and the child kept doing it, and the dreaded day came when they had guests over and all the kids were up late and her daughter began her behavior there in the living room. My friend was even more mortified by the child doing it in front of everyone than she was of talking with her child about it, so after that, she did. But because she had waited, the other kids who witnessed it were all of an age where it was recognized and would be remembered. All of this just to say, this behavior may be widespread and natural, but you'll be doing the child a favor if you can, without shaming, make sure they know that it is not for public occasions. If you're not sure she has it under control, your ongoing vigilance will not only protect others, but may well protect the girl herself from being the center of such an embarassing episode in front of her peers. Good Luck!!

Thank you for your response. We have not had any more masturbation incidents, but there have been a few other questionable things. It is tough, because some behavior is normal for this age (i.e. masturbations), but because of her history we are looking at everything under a microscope. For example, she kind of poked a toy at my crotch. Now was this just accidental because, at her height, that is about arm level for her? Or was it because she had been touched on her private parts with toys? When I am holding her and she places her hand on my breast (has happened twice) is that accidental or intentional? It is hard to know...but we are taking each incident seriously and looking for patterns. Anyway, I have had a couple of more conversations with both girls, separately and together, and clarified the rules a bit. No playing under blankets or under tables, or with the bedroom door shut. Also specified that rubbing your private parts on another child or adult is not acceptable (along with the standard rules about not touching others' private parts or being touched by others). Reminded them that they can and should tell me if this happens. Actually, here is something I am worried about. When I enroll her in Preschool, should I warn the teachers? I don't want to give them the wrong impression about her and have her stigmatized, but I don't want another child to be traumatized. Should I just say that she may have witnessed some inappropriate behaviors in the past, and that they should supervise her with other children?

My advice would be to try to secure her teachers' attention and sympathy without in ANY way sending them on a witch hunt. As you point out, until a pattern has been established, there is no way to tell if something she does is inappropriate or merely developmental or coincidental. You wouldn't want the teachers interpreting every move she makes as sexual. With that being said, since it is also vital to protect her classmates, you might ask the teachers to be very vigilant in monitoring her interactions with others, but I would emphasize that HER physical and emotional safety are the issue--I wouldn't mention sexual stuff. I would let them know that kids who have been moved into foster care are often developmentally behind in some areas, and so she might not behave like a typical kid of her age, emphasizing that you are trying to help her catch up and anything they tell you about, you can work on at home. By letting them know that you want reports of anything they see that is out of the ordinary, so YOU can work on it, they will know you are expecting them to discuss things with you, and won't feel like you just dropped off your "problem" and expect them to deal with it. (That is the former teacher in me speaking!) They will probably love that you care enough to tell them. When I worked as a teacher, my coteacher and I got so frustrated that so few of the parents ever bothered to find out what we were doing in the class, we tried an experiment. On the "What We Did Today" bulletin board, where we usually listed things like: Circle time, puppet crafting, snack: graham crackers and jam, outdoor play, etc., we started writing in activities like "Fun with Ginsu Knives", "Staple Gun Dodge Ball" and "Snack: Gin and Tonic with Green Olives" (Okay, we were 21 and it shows!). The point being that we did it every other day for two weeks and ONE parent noticed. Teachers really like it when you care about what your child is doing, so let them know you care and I bet they will work with you. I just wouldn't get them started off on a suspicious search for problems, as they may end up seeing them where there are none. And, if in 1988 we weren't allowed to ever leave one child alone with another, I am guessing her teachers in 2005 will have the same rules, so there won't be opportunity for any major incidents. Good luck, and Peace!

Mallory, You made some excellent points. You are right...I do not want them to be looking for problems where there may be none. I do, however, want to protect other children as you said. I will definitely use your advice. I know in some schools they send two children (of the same sex) to the restroom together. In fact the one we visited the other day said they usually send a child alone (it is right around the corner from the classroom), but if the child is nervous they send two. M should probably not go with another child. I think she actually was told that children could not go into the bathroom together in her last foster home - presumably after another child there had started acting out sexually (which is why she was moved this last time). Do you have any ideas on how to handle that if it is the school's policy? Thanks!

SF, I would just talkto the teachers, and if needed the director, and let them know that because of her uncertain past, she will need to be accompanied to the restroom by a teacher if she can't go alone. I don't think it should present a problem, especially if you give them the idea that it won't be forever, just until you have a better idea of how she will behave in different circumstances. Hopefully, at some point you will get a good idea of just how much you can relax with this little one, and she can be treated like other kids. Also, it may help you feel better to know that all schools face problems with kids behaving inappropriately with each other from time to time. Kids in foster care are not the only ones who are exposed to inappropriate sexual content in the media, or in the home. All school directors have been faced with unpleasant situations so even if something does happen with all your best efforts, it won't be the end of the world. You can take that knowledge and work from there to help the child learn better. Peace,