no way to stop the pain

I lost my boys (gave them up for adoption) more than 25 years ago. Was supposed to be an open adoption, I was lied to. I had almost no cantact with my Johnny and Jeremy, but believed that thay were happy and that is how I survived. On August 16 of this year my Jeremy took his own life at age 29. I was kept away from funeral home by court order of his adoptive mom and Johnny. She told my boys so many lies that Johnny hates me and Jeremy is dead. You would think that 25 years would ease the pain, but it hasn't. I have cried myself to sleep for many, many years. Since Jeremy's death it has gotten worse. I go to bed crying and I'm awake most of the night. If I sleep 3 hours, it is a good night's sleep. I can't eat, I feel sick all the time, I've lost 30 pounds since August and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make myself care. I would give anything to trade places with Jeremy. It is my mistake (signing adoption papers) that ultimely cost him his life. My only prayer is that he now knows how much I love him , how hard I tried to see him and Johnny and that someday I will see him again. My story is on my web page at [url]www.myjeremy.homestead.com[/url] If you stop by there..PLEASE visit my memorial page to MY JEREMY.