How I cope

My mom told me the same thing! Cry when you need to. Holding it in only prolongs the process and crying is very healing. I've also started a journal which has been a huge help. It's nice to be able to keep all of my thoughts in one place. I have had peace through the whole process. I firmly believe that my baby was brought into this world specifically for his aparents. There is still a void in my life but seeing him with his parents and hearing about there love for him brings me incredible joy. Good luck to you as you continue to heal. You sound like a very strong woman and it is encouraging to read your post. Vanda

I think that it is wonderful that you are both finding journalling to be helpful. I can imagine that the holidays, especailly this first one, would be incredibly tough. You both sound like you are getting support and good advice from those around you. It sounds like what you are going through is completely normal. Also, there are many wonderful post-adoption counselors out there who can help you too. ((((Faith2005 )))) ((((Vanda)))) Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing. I have learned so much by reading your thoughts and those of other parents who have placed their children and I'm sure it helps others too. Take care of yourselves, Nina

Hi to everyone here.I am a "newly found" bmom. My son is 39 yrs old, and needless to say I had pretty much "given up" that I would ever be found. I had left my end "open" for all these years, and perhaps that added to my grief each year that went by & there was no contact.Holidays are bad for bmoms, birthdays I think are worse.Each birthday I would literally stay in the house all day, could not even go out.Christmases were difficult, especially with other family members having their chilren or grandchildren & having to watch them all (which I was able to do because I do love them all)I should go back & tell you that when I became pregnant it was 1964, and it was the biggest "secret" in the world. Basically all who knew were my immediate family, and the birthfather(who did no desert me, just agreed with my decision for placement because we didn't know what else to do)When I left "the home" after my son's birth, the "event" was never mentioned again.Except for one very good girlfriend, I had no one to talk to about my feelings.My husband (not the birthfather) has been wonderful all these years, and has gotten me through many difficult days. But there is no way he could ever completely comprehend what I was feeling each holiday or birthday. (not to mention EVERY day of the years since his birth) I was "found" this past July, and it has been the most amazing event in my life (& I have suffered 3 heart attacks & numerous other illnesses !)I think back now & feel that I "fought for my life" somehow knowing hope against hope that I would be able to see my son's face before I left this earth.I never had another child since my first born son, no particular reason, just never happened.My wonderful husband has "accepted" my son as his own, and their relationship grows all the time.My point, after all this "rambling" is to tell you to try as hard as you can to believe that your child is well & happy. This is the only thing, along with prayer, that got me through these 39 years.My prayer every day was that my child was taken care of & happy. I don't really know if I ever really prayed he would find me, (sometimes your mind doesn't want to remember things because it hurts too much) but the day I saw him for the first time it was so evident that my prayers had been answered.He is healthy, has a terrific career, and I have five beautiful grandchildren !!!So I ask you to please "hang on". I will NOT lie to you and say it will be easy. It will not. As I said before, everyone will tell you it will, and I am not trying to make you hurt even more. But you WILL survive if you choose to. It will be very difficult, but try to find someone - even if it is only one true friend like I have, to share your heartache with.I only wish I had a place like this to come to for the last 39 years. If only to write it down, even if no one would answer.I am new to this site, and having a little difficulty "navigating", and would like to talk to others who are going through reunion now, as there are also difficult times along with the good, and I'm not sure "which end is up" !!If someone could please help me & let me know how to do this, I would appreciate it.I'm not sure I'm even doing this post right, it is my very first one !God Bless ALL you birthmothers, for I believe we all deserve it !!!!!Love to you alljaniej

Hello Janie.. I relinquished in 1965.. I got pregnant in 1964 :) I did not consider keeping my son.. It was not an option.. About navigating this place.. What I do is check my subscribed threads when I enter the forums.. They are located in the drop down menu under 'Quick links'. You can subscribe to threds you find interesting and they will come up there as well as the ones you have replied to .. or started.. Its automatic with those.. Then I go the the birthparents forums.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/f29.html[/url] I scroll down and check the most recent posts.. 'Last post' section.. Once I have checked all the new posts in the birthparent section I go to 'New Posts' in the drop down menu just below the advertisements..Thats for the whole place.. There used to be a lot more messages in the 'New Posts' section.. The software is new and they are fixing things.. Glad you are here.. Jackie

Jackie Thank you so much for replying to my post. At least I know I did the posting o.k. I also got pregnant in 1964, and keeping my son was not an option for me either. I guess I mis-led when I said the bfather & I decided to relinquish.We knew there would be no support from family, so there was no option other than to "do as told", which was to "go away" for a few months to a relative's in another state for medical treatment for some "made-up" disease. I actually was sent to a home for unwed mothers in a totally different state. Ahh - the "secrets" !!!When I returned home 3 months later, I resumed high school as if "all was well", and I don't think I have to tell you how I felt every day of my life after that !! I am going to try to get into the proper thread to discuss issues that have come up since my son "found me" last July. Things are going fairly well, but there are so many "issues" that I had buried for 39 years that all of a sudden are "showing up" out of nowhere, and I'm not quite sure to handle them. I also need to find a thread to discuss the emotions of reunions, as I never have felt anything like this in my life and it really scares me. I thought I had everything "under control" all these years, only to feel that the rug has been pulled out from under.Thanks again for your help, and if you could maybe"point me" to the threads I am seeking I would really appreciate it.Would also like to hear more of your story. janiej

Hi janiej. First, here is a link that might be more of what you are looking for. This forum is for bparents in closed adoptions/reunions. Good luck. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=1003[/url] I also wanted to thank you for posting your story. Hearing closed adoption stories like yours makes me so thankful that I have a chance at open adoption. I'm so happy that I was able to choose my son's parents and that I have a chance for continued contact. I can only imagine the pain that you have suffered all these years thinking of your son and where he was at and how he was doing. I'm so happy that you were finally "found" :) Keeping it a secret for so many years must have really worn you down. This is how I think of it...my "sin/indiscretion" is the only way that an infertile couple are able to have a baby of their own...what is so the shame in that? I created life and gave them a family...nope...no shame there. Just a lot of hope and joy. :D Congrats on the reunion with your son, and your only child at that. I wish you and your son all the best!! Vanda

I wrote a lot post-placement. I still write out my feelings in my journal when something adoption related really moves me. It is better than keeping all of the emotion inside and letting it fester. God bless!

janiej wrote..Would also like to hear more of your story. First off I started a thread called 'Reunion.. att janiej'.[url]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=181493[/url] My story.. I will put that in the 'Healing Wall' place in the birthparent section of the forums.. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=741[/url] I will type it up now.. Hubby has control of the TV and 'DDay' does not captivate me.. :) Jackie