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My daughter is adopted by my parents. It's not what they said it would be and they put many limits on our contact. From what I've read of other bmom stories, I'm in a very similar position as the standard open adoption bmom where things are VERY uncomfortable and communication is just not happening. They've told me not to tell her about her Bdad EVER and it's become clear that I can't tell her how I really feel about the nature of her adoption.
She's just turned 7 this past August and is VERY smart. Over the Christmas holidays I was lucky enough to see her. When we had a few minutes alone, she started asking a LOT of questions I couldn't answer w/o putting myself in a compromising situation where they might not let me see her again if I don't say just the right thing. I'm hoping I did well but things are getting very hard to handle. I want to be consistent and honest but that is really not an option. Their stance is to tell her that God made her, gave her to them, and that I'm her bmom that she lived with for a while. Other than that, they wont' talk about it.
Unfortunately, my dad, her adad, picked a fight with me about the gift I gave her right in front of her. (He didn't want to load the cd with drivers essential for her digital camera onto his computer because he doesn't understand computers and thought I was giving him a virus?!) He picked other fights but they were all very obviously unreasonable (I asked to use phone for a local call, forgot my sunglasses at their house, etc) and she started asking me why he's so mean to me for no reason. :confused: To top it all off, she told my mother, her amom, that she wants to start calling her Grammy like she used to. And my mother snapped back "NO you will not!"
I can't tell her what I really think and I don't want her to disobey them and make things worse for her and me but I don't want her to live a lie or start thinking there is something WRONG with her. If I could still consider them my family I would be more hurt, but from a standard Adoption viewpoint, what would you guys do to diffuse these situations?? PLEASE HELP!
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Would they be open to counseling at all? They sound so very threatened by you. I am really sorry that you are going through this. The Open Adoption Experience has a section on kinship adoption that might be helpful for them, and for you, to read.
Please feel free to contact me if you think I can help in any other way.
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Wow Janet
Sorry you have to deal with this... from your own parents no less. She has probably gotten no answers from them and figures you are her best source of freely given info - but you can't... due to promises. Can you tell her that you'll have to keep that info a secret for now? That when she's 18, you can speak freely to her?
I'm curious that they don't realize that such firm constraints on her life's information and various other restrictions won't lead to rebellion later on. I just can't imagine such a bright child yielding to them for long.
Good luck, sorry you must deal with this...
Maia
My Mother offered to adopt Munchkin but I declined for fear of something similar happening. If they are not open to counseling, you need to sit down with them, suck it up, and remind them that you are their daughter. I understand being protective of the child but coddling isn't going to help. Lying isn't going to help. And when she's old enough to realize how poorly they treated you, she's not going to respect them either. They won't like what you have to say, but it needs to be said. You're their daughter, for pity's sake. They need to treat you as such.
I think, from your replies that I might've left something important out.... they're very old fashioned and stubborn. I didn't promise not to tell her about these things, my dad threatened not to let me see her if I even mentioned her bdad's name to any of my family members. In their opinion therapy, self-help, and discussions about feelings are all for "those kind of people" if you know what I mean. So I have to mind my elders and all that other oldfashioned mumbo jumbo that puts a total halt on things unless I come at it from a really strong, non-threatening angle and just sort of slip it in under the wire. I don't know how I'll get much done with them but I'm more worried about what to say to her that won't get them all worked up. When she cried because I was leaving she was told not to cry. When I got home, I told her that it's normal to cry when someone you love is leaving for a long time and that I cried, too. Anyways, hope thats a bit more insight so you guys can see angles for me that might work??? I'm really still quite confused on what to say. Its almost like I need to decide on a script and then stick to it until she's old enough to tell her more. -- Janet
Janet (((((hugs)))) I was talking to you before in chat. Dont know if you remember me, but I remember you. You're parents sound pretty uneducated about adoption. I wish there was something you could do to change the situation. Well its hard now because she cant really ask for you without them controlling her. Its hard to wait till she's older. I suggest telling the truth, that if you tell her, you wont be allowed to see her again. Tell her you will tell her when its safe (when she's older and already has means to contact you without having to go through them). I wish the wait wasnt so long, and so hard.
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Well, my parents (very abusive to me as a kid & teenager) told me that THEY were going to adopt my son (after arranging with an adoption agency behind my back to get him adopted because his bfather was from the Middle East & they thought he's come out looking "different" (to put it politely). My mom told me that they would tell my son that they were his parents and that I should go away and never return. They would deny my existence. I ended up having a breakdown and, stupidly, believed that adoption social worker when she told me that the only way to prevent this was to have my son adopted. I did this so that my son would not have the terrible life I suffered. Now, of course, he thinks I didn't want him and gave him away because of that! FIND A WAY TO LET YOUR DAUGHTER KNOW THE TRUTH. Even if it is not yet (she's only 7) but to continue to live a lie is WRONG. Even though I lost my son forever by what I did, my comfort is knowing he grew up with loving parents, a proper, non-toxic family and was given every material and educational advantage to make his life a success (which it is!). DON'T LET YOUR PARENTS DENY WHO YOU ARE. Get help and find a way to let your daughter know that YOU are her REAL mom! Don't end up like me.
I am curious as to why your parents don't want your daughter to know who her original father is so I hope you don't mind me asking that. You shouldn't have to lie to her about anything so maybe you can tell her that you will answer her more awkward questions she is 18. It doesn't make life any easier now for you so just bear it in mind there will come a time when you can tell her the truth. My parents were adament that my son was adopted, I had no support either. He found my family before I found him then had to work through the lies he had been told by my family so I can empathise how you feel.
Pip :flower:
Hi janetleigh
How about a letter? Could you write "her story" and your role - your feelings and thoughts - answers to the questions she has asked - and might ask in the future......all in a way that would be acceptable to your parents? It's something she could refer back to when she is trying to make sense of her place in the family.
I understand your situation a whole lot more after your second post. I'm unsure what your parents are trying to achieve with the code of silence about bfather, as everyone knows that it takes two to create new life but.....if you can remain actively in her life by skirting around the subject, then it is to both your advantage to do so.
It's a tricky one - your family adoption. What seems so simple is far from it.
Ann :flower:
My parents tried to forcibly adopt my son many years ago. They told me I had to leave home & never return, never contact anyone in the family again. My mom said "it will be as if you never existed & nobody will mention your name again." My parents were "pillars of the community & church" but, in private they were very toxic & physically & verbally abused me. They created a very nasty atmosphere between me & my siblings. I had not been thinking of having my son adopted anyway. However, the social worker whom my mom had called in (without my knowledge or consent) told me that I should get my son adopted by another family if I did not want them to take him from me. She told me that they were going to have me committed to a "sanitorium" (I had been having psychotherapy for depression during my pregnancy - due to my parents & how I reacted to their "loving care"). In the end, that's what I did. My son, unlike me, had a happy childhood & every material advantage in life (good schools, university, money to help him buy an apartment etc). He had a loving, NORMAL family to support him. I am very sorry that I could not keep my son, but it was better that he went to these "caring strangers" than to my parents, with me being banished to a mental institution where I would have been left to rot for the next 15-20 years. I hope your parents aren't like that. It is difficult to know what to say to you, because of the legal constraints - but this is YOUR FAMILY. Does your daughter call your mom "Mom" or does she call her "Grandma"? That may be a start because, if she knows of her as grandmother then she may wonder "where's my mom?" If not, then I guess you need to keep seeing her as often as possible & just watch carefully to see how she develops. Try to be there for her always - however hard & she will come to trust you & rely on you over the years. One day, you can tell her, you will speak to her about everything, in the meantime, she should know that she is very special to you and that you love her very much.
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My moms first child (who was born in 1963) was adopted by my grandparents when he was about 5 years old, my grandparents forged my moms signiture when she was out of state. Untile just recently I have found my brothers adopton papers and learned that my grandparents lied. All these years my brother has had hate for my mom. He just cant get past it. It pretty much had destroyed his life of any happiness. My mom and him do not talk, my mom believes that he set fire to her home that burntdown a couple of years back. What I am trying to get to is if you let your mom and dad get away with what they are doing your daughter will end up blaiming you becuse you let it happen and you new in your heart it was wrong. All of my moms children have had to deal with my brother and his anger. I hope this helps you to make the right decition and for your daughters healthy outlook on life in the future.