Histories.. Birthparents..

Claud :I don't think Jackie meant that now days it was any "easier" because of "choices". I won't speak for her, only myself.I do agree with her saying back then (the 60's) we were "manipulated" into believing we were doing the "right thing". Trouble was, who was it the right thing for?Our child? Ourselves? Or was it for the parents & family who were going to be so "shamed & embarrassed" ??Because that's the way it was !!There were no forums, no social services, no support groups. When you found out you were pregnant, you knew you had "hurt" others very badly, and had to relegate "your hurt" to the back burner.The heck with how you "felt". In my family, it was never spoken of, even the day I was taken to the "home", where I stayed for 2 months.After his birth, it was never talked about at all by anyone in my family. I had to endure 40 years of keeping it all inside. Now it is all coming to the surface with my reunion, and this is what I am learning to deal with now.I am not trying to say it was harder to "relinquish" back then than it is now. How can there ever be an "easy" way to do that,the most "un-natural" thing in the universe. What I am saying is that today there are so many places to go for help, advice, support etc. Still doesn't make it any easier, but a support system, no matter how lousy it may be, is there in one way or another.I for one am so happy I found this forum. And I think all the posts so far have been enlightening and helpful to me.It feels good to "talk" - maybe even sometimes "debate" over issues such as this. This is something I have been deprived of for so long.I hope the moderator does not choose to "edit" you, for your opinions are every bit as important as mine or anyone else's. And more than your opinions, your feelings !!!!We all hurt in our own way. And we are all "made" to feel shame, even in this new year of 2005 !But I think if we can keep these lines of communication open, and try to help each other, this is a wonderful thing.Sorry for being so long-winded, have alot stored up inside.God Bless youjaniej

NicoleI read the whole story, WOW !!Do you see your first-born, or just get pictures or what?I don't know if I would have been able to handle an "open adoption". I think it would have hurt even more knowing where he was, and not being able to be with him.'God Bless you, your wonderful & understanding husband (I have one like that too), and your children and especially your daughter's a-parents for being so good to you.janiej

Hi janie, (And welcome to the forums, BTW. :) ) Wow, can't believe you read my Iliad-like post. ROFL. I have a tendency to ramble, but that one was REALLY bad. After I posted it and saw how long it was, I practically choked on my cigarette. Haha. Anyway, yes, it is a fully open adoption, with visits, pics, phone calls, full identifying information exchanged, etc. This past summer (2004) Marie and her adoptive family even went on vacation with my parents for several days. Matt and Elise and I joined up with them later. :D The first year was the hardest, in terms of the visits. The visits themselves were great, it was just hard to say goodbye. Now that's not even an issue. I have so much faith and trust in Marie's aparents, that I know there will never be a "last" visit. That I'll always be able to see them again. So that is nice. And at this point, I am totally used to seeing Y as Marie's mom, so that's fine, too. The hard thing about openness at this point is that I'm questioning my reasons for placing. There were two main ones: 1. Wanted Matt and I to have a good start to our marriage (marriage can be tough enough, without starting out with kids right away!), and 2. My parents didn't think I was "ready" to be a mom. Now, as you can see based on my history, they had reason to worry. I'd been living a pretty crappy lifestyle. ;) But I knew I had changed, and could be a good mom... I knew it, but I listened to them anyway, and internalized some of their judgments of me. So ironically, the only way to prove to them that I was a good mother, was to relinquish my rights as "mom." (Sigh.) I wish now that I hadn't listened to them, but listened to my inner voice instead--the one that told me I HAD changed, and could be a good mom. Who knows, maybe I still would have chosen adoption. But I'm not sure. And I'm grieving the fact that I'll never have the chance to find out. So in that sense, I regret the adoption. And that made the last visit a little bit hard, I guess. Feeling like maybe she should have been "mine." Oh well.... it can't be undone now. And there is great comfort in the fact that Marie is growing up with such wonderful parents. :)

Nicole: I have been reading as much as I can on here, and in just the past few days alone it has been so much help.I won't tell you to stop having the regrets or second thoughts, because that is what we all do, I think.But i am so happy for you that you have the chance to see how your little girl is growing up, and knowing she is o.k.I'm sure it is very hard when you have to say good-bye to her. My son is almost 49 years old, and each time I have to say good-bye to him, it is still very hard. He is a tall, muscular man, and I still want to "hang on" to him for dear life ! Don't know if that will ever go away, because we are only 5 months into reunion. New things each day.I know what you mean about your parents thinking they know what is best for you. My parents were wonderful, loving people, and they never really made me feel "inferior" in any way, just kind of "took charge" when it happened, and I went along with it all.It took me many years to realize that they did only what they thought at the time was right, and to put away the bitterness I felt about it. I never "hated" them or anything, and we had a great relationshi p until the day they each died, but since this reunion these "issues" have cropped up all over again. I "regret" that they are not here now to meet this wonderful person I gave birth to and was never talked about. But like you said, that is done, and nothing I can do about it now.Again, very happy for you that you are in your child's life in "whatever" capacity. Still think it has to be very hard to hear her call someone else "Mom", and that makes you an amazing person to me to be able to "handle that".God Bless you and your entire family, you deserve it !!janie

I have spent years on alt.adoption (usenet and totally un moderated) fighting this fight.. In some countries women (the poor) are not taken care of.. The social structure of the country is faulty.. When I arrived here I realized that the day to day (adoption) problems are very real.. Women (men) still have to give up their babies.. Women/men are sometimes tricked into giving up their babies.. The question for me is.. How do we deal with this? How do we help these women who do not get any help.. Who no longer have a baby and are wondering what hit them.. The sixties were brutal on some of us.. We were changing the rules for women and some of us took the brunt of it.. Now the fight is different.. Now the rules are different.. I can't and won't go back to the war.. I want to help the ones who are caught up in it.. Tell them someone hears them.. Jackie

What a blessing to have stumbled onto this thread. Jackie, thank you so much for starting it. I'm glad to finally hear the whole of your story after feeling I know bits and pieces from your other posts I have read over the past few months. I'm an adoptee not in reunion with my birthmom. I love hearing about birthmoms' stories - of course I think about my own birthmom and long for the day that perhaps she'll tell me her story - the real story. I can only guess as to the real story from the scant non-id info I have. I know she must have been largely pushed by societal norms to put me up for adoption.... My mom, age 20, came here from Ireland to have me, staying with a sister during her pregnancy. She wanted catholic adoptive parents for me, and even baptized me before I was relinquished. In Ireland not only was abortion illegal at the time, so was birth control! So from that alone I must deduce that she really had 'no other choice'. A part of me, strangely enough, had always hoped she chose to relinquish me because she wanted a better life for HER- finishing school, not starting her family too early... something more "self interested" for lack of a better term, than the force of the Church or society. It's my continued prayer that somehow she's found some peace in her life.... OK OK I'm gettting emotional, too.

Nicole Thank you so very much for sharing your story.. I put this thread in the 'Healing wall' place.. I seem to want to hang out here.. Jackie

ChrissyWhat an interesting post. I never thought of my son as "thinking about me" through the years. How nice it is to know that perhaps he did !!!Icertainly thought of him every day of my life, as I feel she thinks of you.I am happy to see that perhaps some adoptees do think about the reasons why birthmoms did what we had to do.My situation was "hurt parents- parents go to priest for guidance - priest refersto "home for unwed mothers"- I am never asked what I think - etc etc"Since you say she had you baptized before relinquishment, and because she wanted you to grow up with catholic parents, there is no doubt in my mind that she did this ALL for YOU !!!!I have never held resentment for my religion, nor for my parents. It's just "the way it way" back then.I don't know how old you are, but you seem to have an amazing "grasp" on this whole situation.Thank you for praying for her to find peace. Believe me, she needs all the prayers she can get !!Are you actively searching for her? I hope so- because I believe she would give anything to see you again.My prayers are with you & her. God Bless you both.janie

You know, the one thing that will not change... is that many of us feel an immense pain from relinquishment. Regardless of the reasons, we are attuned to a baby that is not there... I think adoption as an industry ... is yuck. I think adoption, as a social situation, can be wonderful. Today though, regardless of choice or not, I agree with Jackie on being there for those who 'do not know what hit them'. Even being a birthmother once before, I feel rather broadsided by my treatment this last time... I feel disrespected and somewhat antagonized. Never felt that before and it was a shock. I'd always had respect and compassion as a birth mother... until this last time. Glad the forums caught me ;) We can rail against society at large, but you can only change one person at a time. With education. Open adoption is painful in its own right. We still are missing our babies. We have no control and must accept that. We cannot change what's past and must accept that. It's all very traumatic, IMO. It's all extremely painful. I could not bear to step into my Dr's office for the pain... the disparity of what was to what IS. I sobbed the entire time... And then there is the adoption machine. The Industry. Not the nice, compassionate people... I mean the money grubbers. There is the PR machine telling us what adoption is. What open adoption should be. What is wrong with us that we can't accept that? I grew up independent, a veritable street urchin, I do my own thinking. It's survival. I do not trust... I research first. It is what we make of it. I do not feel guilt for not thinking like they want me to. I feel anger that many of us are betrayed, and its just someone's job to do that... But Jackie this is a good thread. i'm glad you started it and didnt' mean to go off on a rant. You asked for stories and I really cannot delve into the pain right now to share mine. It is on the boards of course, you were always my responder, you are so respected! Instead I will tell you what I remember of my grandmother. Mother has told me her story over hte years but only now do I understand it.... Mother's Mother (Aunt K) had to place her for adoption. No Bastard would be allowed into Aunt K's father's home. I assume she could not care for her alone. I don't know. I cannot imagine the pain she endured... Rejection from the family... I don't know if Mother first went to an orphanage. I think she did. Aunt K's sister adopted Mother. Aunt K wrote her sister a letter... If I could keep her I would name her this. The sister gave her that name :) From there, the happiness ends IMO. There was physical and psychological abuse that affects Mother to this day. She was not told who her bmother was until she was 21 - though she'd figured it out when she was 10. Aunt K was crazy. Now I think it was the relinquishment. She didn't tell her shrink's until one finally figured out she was holding back... The man who forbade my Mother entrance into his home, became one of her favorite relatives. She was his beloved Grandchild. Please, I really hope to not ever be as crazy as these people. I've only ever known Mother's bfamily as such. Never have I thought of them as her afamily b/c they were her family family... I mean it was quantified to me as a child the odd relationships... But always did I know Aunt K was Mom's Mother. Sometimes I wish I could tell her I understand... that I, at least, totally understand her. Sigh. But she died. I think our pain was different. But the same. Intense, crippling... the difference is... I have support. I have yall. And friends, and am very open about it all. That, my friends, is part of my story. Maia

Maybe this is where the 'issues' come together.. Maybe its this feeling that we never really made a decision and the resentments that come from that.. And its not about proving things to other people.. Its about sorting what happened in our lives ourself.. Stuff that can't be changed :) I can remember when I first went into reunion and thought I had to prove to my bson that I was not really a bad person.. I did what I had to do.. I did what was in front of me.. I just did it.. I just posted in another thread that when I let my bson go the second time and he came back wanting to know me I was 'equal' with him.. Equal in the relationship thing.. Two strangers meeting with incredibly deep ties thing.. I could not keep it up with the trying to get him to like me.. I believe its the same with pleasing the parents.. Doing their decision and not my own.. Me having to live with the results of their decision.. and regretting it.. Its crazy.. Got to live for the self.. That's my motto.. Jackie nickychaze... I have a feeling she was from south Florida.. If you were a secret she was probably sent away.. I hid out on Grand Bahama till I showed and then hid out in Boca Raton.. Mom and dad lived in Miami.. Faith.... Thanks for adding to the thread.. Jackie

The story of your family is familiar to me.. :) I lived in my grandparents home in the early forties.. Saving face was so important.. More important than the person.. And if we can keep posting here and warning others of the bad ones then we have helped.. That's my battle these days. :) Jackie

It's been said so many times on these threads, that it's such a painful irony that so many adoptees are out here looking, so many birthmothers hoping to find their relinquished child, but none of us match up...it's a cruel reality... this thread has brought that again to light for me. JanieJ, thank you for your post and kind words. It almost brings me to tears when I hear a biirthmother tell me that my very own birthmom must be thinking of me. Thank you for keeping me and her in your prayers. Sometimes i think that if I keep thinking about her long enough and strong enough that she'll *feel* it and start to look for me. I think I've left enough info out there for her. Janie, I'm 29, and I have a bit of a 'grasp' on things because of this forum. Keep coming back and keep posting! I have learned so much and spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to "feel my feelings." it's been interesting .... I never realized that I had anger and hurt. I never realized that I needed to mourn for my birthmother. That maybe I am the only one who ever cried for her. I've really meditated on her a lot and grieved for that poor 20 year old girl in a whole new country, with her little life inside her that she just couldn't keep. That 20 year old deserves my tears. I grieve for that girl who loved me enough to give me the name Mary and baptize me even when I couldn't be "hers". I just wish she knew I have love in my heart for her and I just want her to know healing. Volfe, Faith, Nic, Jackie I continue to learn through your posts about the adoption experience, thank you so much for being honest and open through the pain.

ChrissyThank you for your kind words. I've only been on here a few days, and like you I am learning so much!!Feelings I thought only I alone had (& still have)You say you "grieve" for your mother and all she went through. That is nice to hear, I think. But I don't think you should grieve or mourn too much, as she has probably done enough of that for the both of you !!!Please DO keep thinking of her, and perhaps that along with loads of prayers will lead you to the same "road" it has led me, that of reunion.I know I had honestly given up, especially the past ten years. I never dared to dream it could still happen.But it did!! So maybe the prayers combined with the "will", really does work !!I will keep posting whenever I feel I have something to say. Most times I feel that I don't just want to "ramble on", but I find writing & having someone else read it is a type of "therapy".Please try to stay "positive", and try to know somewhere in your heart that you are in HER heart !!Janie

I guess my post didn't seem too positive....the emotional ups and downs of all of this! Don't get me wrong, it's not like I mourn and grieve for my birthmom all the time. I just have periods of sadness for her, 'empathy' may be a better way to put it, where I try to understand her situation. She's about 50 now - I'm sure so much has happened in her life since she relinquished at 20 - but it's that 20 year old I've been thinking about. I feel very blessed to have been given the life that I have. i am healthy, have 2 kids of my own (becoming a mother myself certainly stirred my compulsion to search) and other successes. I have wonderful parents and have been able to give my children the solid upbringing I was given - not material wealth, but love, happiness, faith in God. I am a positive person - maybe that's why I cry, maybe that's why it's so hard - I love people, I love doing things for others, I am a "giver" but feel so frustrated that I can't find my birthmom to give HER the assurance that I'm ok, that I love her, that I want her to know me because she deserves it. Julie I look forward to seeing you around these posts. I was new only a few months ago myself. Stick around! We'll learn from each other and grow in our own way.

Chrissy.... like Janie I had given up.. The message came out of the blue.. He was not ready to contact me.. that is obvious.. He was net savey and my message was all over the place.. Its about patience.. Even after contact its about patience.. IMO Jackie