Advertisements
My 16-year-old son suddenly met his bfather without our knowlege or consent by the manipulation of his (bfather's) wife. Although we were very angry about the way this was done and the timing, we have tried our best to get past those negative feelings and allow the relationship to develop naturally as this is what our son seems to want. Our son spends time with his bfather, who has a family including young children of his own, on about an every-other-day basis, and they seem to get along fairly well. However, I'm concerned about some very angry feelings my son has expressed about his bfather--namely, "He OWES me!" He feels hurt and VERY angry because he knows in his heart, even at 16, that, should he and a girlfriend become pregnant, he would never "run away" from the responsibility of raising his child as his bfather did. Knowing my son as I do, I know that this is true. These feelings seem to come out (with me or his dad but not his bfather) every once in awhile, usually after his bfather, who seems to be somewhat immature and rather stingy, does something like make comments when our son eats more than a certain amount of snacks, wants to borrow something, and other little things like that. He feels that, at the very least, he should be treated as well as his bfather's own children when he's in their home and feels that he is not. We have done our best to explain to him that this man made a decision 16 years ago NOT to parent, but this doesn't mean that our son would or should do the same thing, should it (God forbid!) happen in his own life. We have pointed out that his bfather has a history with and a comitment to his own children which he does not have with our son. We have encouraged our son to try to accept his bfather for who he is at this moment and, if he does not like and/or cannot accept him as he is, perhaps he should cease visiting. However, he continues to do so. I can see that my son, although he has never given a bfather any thought over the years, is feeling hurt and rejected at times. I don't know how we can "fix" this, and REALLY could KILL (figuratively, of course) his wife who set all this in motion at such as difficult time in a child's life to begin with. Yet, here it is, and we could use some insight or suggestions about how to help our son deal with these feelings.
Like
Share
I had to deal with a lot of anger myself. My daughter told me this was not about me but about her. "What's good for the child." She is hardly a child at 30 years old.
I too have to sit back while her birthmom is at work trying to make my daughter a part of her family. It causes much anguish for myself and my daughter. She wants to help me plan my daughter's wedding. She told me I could go with my daughter to pick out her wedding dress. I didn't think I needed her permission. She tells my daughter, "I can't be your friend cause I'm not." Of course my daughter spends a lot of time with her. She is spending some time with us now and is calling so I can't complain. I like her birthmom but sometimes it would be so much easier if she would just "go away." Reality is that it is not going to happen. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair. I still hurt but I realize I can't change the situation.....only how I respond to it. I have to accept what I cannot change. I feel like someone came in and stole my daughter and it has done much damage to our whole family. We all hurt.
Advertisements
I can understand why you feel the way you do. The only thing I can think of to say, and I say this to myself all the time, is that not all kids grow up to particularly value their parents/family, bio or adopted. I can only imagine how possessive you must feel about your daughter and having to share huge events in her life with her bio mother. I feel absolutely NO guilt about feeling possessive about my son--it was THEIR decision not to parent him and mine to do so. I feel that they really have no right to any of him. HOWEVER, that said, our children are going to have many relationships in their lives over which we have no control or input, particularly with a 30-something-year-old "child." I'm trying to teach myself this now. We've already had to "share" our son at Christmas time with people he's only known for a few months. That was tough. Yet, as he put it, "Mom, I've known you and Dad my whole life, I don't know them." It makes perfect sense to him. I can easily see down the road to graduations and weddings and the feelings I may have when they come up. Hopefully, I'll grow more accepting as time goes by. Maybe not. One thing I have been doing is focusing more on myself and my husband rather than exclusively on my son, and this has helped. In fact, I have backed off quite a bit. This helps me. Of course, you might not want to do this with your daughter's wedding. You say you like your daughter's b-mother very much. Forgive me, but she sounds horribly insensitive to me. YOU raised that child and have the absolute right to expect to be put first, IMO. IMO, she should be trying her best to stay in the background and helping your daugther to allow YOU the moment in the sun you deserve. Just my opinion...
What hurts the most is my daughter feeling the NEED to be with them and not feeling the NEED to be with us. An abandonment issue. This is a very dumb thing to say but it was almost easier when my daughter completely walked away from us and didn't connect. I was able to let go and move on. When her birthmom is rubbed in my face now that she is making efforts to be with us it is another issue I have to deal with and accept. I know I can do this because I have done it all along. Doesn't mean it won't hurt though.
The hard thing is that my daughter's birthmom set her up with the guy she is now in love with and wants to marry. Her birthmom and my daughter's boyfriend's mom are good friends. Her birthmom and his mom talk about their kids and how they are falling in love. This should be an interesting wedding if I just am not able to accept her birthmom sitting next to me as mother of the bride. Another issue I will have to accept and deal with. It just isn't fair.
Yes, I too am focusing on myself and my other 3 girls and my husband. I love life and have lots of other interests. I have many things to look forward to. Sad to give your life to someone and they don't think too much of it. My daughter does consider us mom and dad.
She said she doesn't fit in as a member of their family but she NEEDS to be with them and we are on the back burner.
On the other hand,and this is something my 16 year old said to me at one point (out of the mouths of babes...), "Mom, you're bigger than that," meaning that he feels that I, as his mother, should feel secure enough in our relationship, as he does, so as such to allow him to pursue a relationship with his b-father and family without feeling myself diminished by it. My son isn't a particularly sensitive individual, but this remark made a lot of sense to me. Perhaps your daughter is SO secure in your relationship that she doesn't understand why this relationship should hurt you. My son's relationship with his b-father isn't about a parent/child relationship at all but rather more about connecting with someone whom he resembles and who has had many of the same issues as my son has now. Could this be more what your daughter is looking for with her b-mom?
Advertisements
my daughter is a master manipulator and controller with words. My daugther uses kind words to make me think she cares and then goes off with her birthfamily thinking I am feeling good about our relationship. She doesn't have to make efforts to see me because her kind words are what she wants me to hang on to and LEAVE her ALONE so she can continue doing what she wants to do.
Her birthmother even commented on how she uses words to cause guilt or to manipulate a situation.
Sometimes I have wondered why I keep trying. I wonder if I am enabling her insensitive (the world is about me) actions. Sometimes I feel like just letting her walk off into the sunset with her birthmom so I can finally rest. I get tired of trying sometimes. Their obsessiveness has caused my family and her birthmom's family much grief. Her birthfamily is very upset over this obsession also.
As I write it seems I need to do more letting go of things I can't control. Gee, I thought I was doing pretty good until my daughter started slowly coming back in my life. New issues to deal with now.
My daughter's relationship with her birthmom isn't about a parent/child relationship either. It is as you say....connecting with someone who looks like her, acts like her............a feeling of home. That saddens me because I tried so hard to make a feeling of home for her.
She acknowledges that we are her family and she makes her birthmom understand that we are her family..........but those words are meaningless when she longs to be with her birthmom and when I invite her to share time with me she always has an excuse. Her birthmom comes first. You would think I was a horrible mom.............and that hurts too.
It seems to me that this isn't so much about you versus b-mother but about a very immature individual. I can excuse my 16-year-old son's insensitivity as he is still, at this young age, a work in progress. But, at 30, I would have to think that the actions you describe are some kind of destructive gameplaying. I have thought many times that, if I were married to a man who behaves as my son quite often does, I would be SO divorced! But, since he's my child, I can't do that. But, what I CAN do is try to teach myself to detach a bit emotionally and then much more so when he leaves home if some of his behavior continues. IMO, child or not, life is too short to allow a manipulative, insensitive child (or anyone else) to deliberately cause the people who love them anguish and pain. I can relate to what you said about your daughter feeling at home with her b-family and how that hurts because you tried so hard to give her that. You did. I have done so. From the moment I held my son for the first time, I committed myself to him mind, body, and soul as did my husband. We have never thought of him as our "adopted son" but simply our son. I have acquaintences who have EXTREMELY close relationships with their families as I do with my parents and sibling. However, I know others who just don't seem to value those or any relationships that much. None of us are adopted, just different. Not that knowing that helps the pain much...
Yes, I too committed myself to my girls body, mind and soul. Adopted?? Sometimes I just forget!
Yes, my daughter is emotionally immature. She confuses people cause she talks so mature and intelligent that people don't understand what I am talking about when I speak of her. She is a college graduate.
My daughter always enjoyed family functions. She enjoyed extended family. When she was connected with her birthmom then she slowly couldn't deal with the emotions and abandoned us.
Moms learn to detach as our children get older and on their own. Some more than others. I have been on a journey of letting go of all my hopes and dreams and expectations that I had for the relationship between my daughter and myself. A hard thing when you have to let go so she can freely be with her birthmom and I was just the BABYSITTER!
My daughter is making more efforts with us. Lots of unconditional love and my doors have always been open to receive her.
How are you doing macnmy?
Love, I suppose I'm doing okay. I guess I've had practice in letting go of some hopes and dreams along the way. My son is bright but has ADHD and has struggled with school since kindergarten which has led to self-esteem issues, bad choices in friends, and some problems with marijuana. We are a close family and have remained supportive through school suspensions, marijuana and cigarette use, undesirable friends, etc. I can't even count how many meetings and counseling sessions and so forth we have attended related to school and other issues (not that this is limited to adopted children...). Just helping to keep him focused on school and staying out of trouble is an exhausting daily challenge for me and his dad. None of us needed the distractions and emotional baggage associated with the appearance of a bio father at this point in any of our lives. And, what makes it even more difficult is the fact that WE struggle daily, trying to keep our son on track, a not-always-very pleasant-scenario, while his b-father gets the lovely social time with our son that he's so good at with none of the realities of raising a challenging teenager.
Advertisements
Another thing, Love, do you REALLY think your daughter thinks of you as just a "babysitter." Are you sure she isn't just taking you and your love for her for granted as do most children who feel secure and loved? I love my mother from the bottom of my heart, but it was only when I had my own child that I REALLY began to appreciate and value my parents.
I understand macnmy. We are trying to keep our 17 year old on track also. She has a poor choice of friends. I can't imagine trying to deal with birthfamily issues as well. She wants to find her birthparents and we told her if she is ready we will help her when she is 18. She was placed with us when she was 11. She is a real sweet girl but chooses the wrong friends.
No. I don't think my oldest daughter thinks of us as babysitters. That is how I feel at times. She is beginning to show some interest in us again. The hurt was deep so it will take time to work through things. It's nice to call her now and she actually picks up the phone!
What were your hopes and dreams?
Hi Love, I'm glad to hear you don't REALLY believe your daughter sees you as a babysitter. But, I can understand why you would feel that way at times. Having a b-parent come into the picture, especially uninvited and during the teenage years, is so difficult. I can't comprehend the level of selfishness that caused our son's b-father's wife to do so. The result has been SO much havoc and chaos that could have been completely avoided. I guess, basically, my hopes and dreams for my son were that my husband and I could give him so much better than fate gave him by being born to his b-parents and their dysfunctional families. Although we aren't perfect by any means, we are everything his b-families are not-- my husband and I have been married to only each other and love and support each other, were completely ready to devote ourselves to a child when we decided to adopt, live a nice lifestyle in a nice area, are drug free and drink only in moderation, etc. Yet, even though we have always been a very close family, our son has always seemed to seek out what we call the "dark side" since he was very young. By that, I mean, he seems to be fascinated by the undesirable kids and chooses risky behaviors, etc. I wonder quite often if nurturing versus nature really counts for as much as previously believed. It seems that our son, depsite his upbringing, is going down a very similar path to disaster as both his b-parents did. HOWEVER, that said, he's only 16 and still a work in progress, and I have to believe that the close loving family we have always been will survive his adolescence.
My youngest daughter is much like your son. She has made sooooo much progress and doing so well and yet she is drawn to a bad crowd. She thinks nothing wrong with being friends with a convicted rapist and his girlfriend. Her boyfriend gets in trouble all the time. Sometimes I am just exhausted because I can't get through to her. She tells me we are suppose to "forgive." True but we don't want to hang out with these kind of kids. Right now we are dealing with her and her boyfriend fighting with some other kids and now there is threats being made on her boyfriends cell phone. We had to go to the school and let them know this could be brought into the school as many of these kids belong to the same school. Even through all this she still wants to hang with these kids because they are really nice! Right! I understand why she chooses these friends, I just wish she wouldn't. Here is a kid who loves church, wants to do well, has her boyfriend reading the bible with her and I, keeps a prayer journal and everyone likes her. Just a poor choice of friends.
Advertisements
Love, they do sound similar. I know my son WANTS to do well in life. However, the choices he makes sometimes aren't leading him in that direction. I do believe this is more related to his ADHD (another "gift" his birthparents gave him...) than to any sort of "bad seed" genetic factor. We can only hope and pray, as I would imagine you must do with your daughter, that our son (and we) will get through these trying adolescent years without having to watch him being driven away in the back of a police car...