bdad needs help communicating w/aparents

Hi, Has it been 7 years since you placed? I can understand as an adoptive Mom better if that is the case. I was going to say that he should be asking to meet the adoptive parents instead of the child first. It kind of sets the pace for such a relationship. Asking to see the kid puts the parents on the defensive, wanting to protect the child. Asking to meet the aparents is a lot less threatening. Plus where was he during the last 7 years? He has some explaining and catching up to do. He will have to wait a while until people are able to adapt to his sudden appearance. I think writing and establishing a relationship slowly with the parents is the best way. We have relationships with our son's birth parents. His paternal Grandma wrote a lot during the first couple years and progressed to calling and then to visits. The birth mom has written for about 10 years now and we had the first phone call last year. Now she is gone again but I expect that we have gotten to the phone call stage and she will meet him sometime in the future. Everyone has a comfort zone and being aware of everyone's zone can really help the process. Best wishes.

Hmmm...as an aparent here. First, I'd be concerned with Adad's 'threat' to you - i.e. if you bring up bdad again, he'll bar you from future contact. I think this is inappropritate and would recommend you all have a talk about a) boundaries (for clearly they've crossed one) and b) who this open adoption is really for - this child. Barring you from contact with this child over something you've said dishonors them, this child, etc. It also interjects fear and mistrust (uh-oh, if I screw up, I've lost) into a relationship that should be based on mutual respect and trust. Open adoption isn't about what's best for them or for you. It's about making sure that the child involved has access to all their history, all their 'pieces' as it were. So that when they have questions about themselves, they can be answered by the person best suited. For example, 'why was I placed?'. While your child's aparents can give a partial answer, only you and bdad can really answer that, since you're the ones who made the decision. So, for the sake of your relationship, I'd sit down with them and, frankly, in a nice way call them on it. "I was really taken aback when I heard you say that you would cease visits with me b/c of something I asked. That makes me feel very fearful, like if I say the wrong thing we'll lose this connection that we all agreed was good our child to have. I don't think that's a good thing for us to have in our relationship. What do you think?" Or something like that. Second, as to the bdad. If I were you, I'd step out of it. I'd ask bdad to contact aparents directly if he already has their contact info independent of you - i.e. from some other source. If his contact is only through you, then I'd ask him to write a letter to aparents, give it to you, and you'll deliver as a courier only. Tell him you'll give aparents his contact info if that's OK. Tell him that this is all you're willing to do, b/c in the end he's got to establish or not establish a relationship on his own with them. From that point, I'd leave it alone. It's up to him to write the letter, it's up to aparents to respond. If they don't, they don't. You maintain the link to him in case your child needs him, and you maintain the link to aparents, though hopefully w/o fear as a major part of the relationship mix. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in that unenviable rock-hard place, put in the middle of a situation you have no control over. That's just what I'd do. HTH, IMHO Regina

Dianna- to answer your question... where was he?... he was at college going for his Law degree... he was not given any method to contact me or the Aparents after he left me. Regina- I'm not allowed to say his name so I'm pretty sure giving them his information or vice versa is not allowed either. Think he should go through the lawyer as a courrier? As far as laying down the law with them, I have no rights period, and I know she needs me more than is worth fighting over my treatment (which is a constant problem). ALL- I guess I feel bad because if I'd kept her this wouldn't be happening, and if I had worked harder to involve him (rather than just running with his first response to the situation) it would've been different. Hind sight is 20/20 and I feel we (bmom, bdad, and daughter) are all stuck in a situation that probably won't get better... hopefully some things will change in 11 years (age 18).

Janetleigh - if you're relationship with them is that 'touchy', then perhaps yes it's best if he contact an attorney himself and have the attorney or another third party - religious leader, counselor, etc. communicate on his behalf. If it were me, I'd step out of it completely and let him address on his own from now on. You certainly can't stop him from contacting them independently. And since your relationship with your child's aparents sounds strained, it's probably best if you do step out. HTH, best of luck, Regina