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Hi, we were selected to consider adopting an 11 yr old boy from foster care. I received his presentation narrative today and my dh and I have been reading through it over and over...talking...and reading some more. I need some straight answers from people who have some experience. I trust the sw's involved but need a cold eye to help us out.
We have no other children, are relatively young (28/35) and ultra active...I think now that this is the reason that we were selected for K as we've heard that many others have been turned down for him.
He has lived 5 lifetimes in his 11 yrs. He was first found to be in a neglectful home at 2 yrs and has LITERALLY been in and out of foster/birthparents homes over the past 8 yrs. He even did a stint, for 6 mos which ended in Feb of 2004, in a psych hospital in their sex offender program. He is one of 5 siblings who have all been seperated. He was abused by his older sister, witnessed sex between his parents and others.....he was admitted to the offender program because of making lewd comments to peers, touching himself, proposing sex to school peers, and would try to be alone with other kids. He sent his "girlfriend" an email asking if she would have sex with him. All of this sounds horrifying right but also confusing...what is normal for an 11 yr old? How do you know what is salvageable?
I find myself being terrified of him acting out in this way at school, initiating something with a friend's children, cornering someone at day camp...the list goes on.
The bad stuff is bad, but the good stuff is endless. He is a very loving, sweet boy. He became very attached to his foster parents who decided that they did not want to pursue adoption when the mom found out she was pregnant. Due to K's history, she and her husband just didn't want to chance it. I could go on and on about how bright he is, loves to read, LOVES animals (except chickens, he's afraid they'll peck him) :) The biggest thing he wanted prospective adoptive parents to know is that he likes to be helpful. I cried three times while reading his 20 pg narrative mostly for his losses...of innocence, etc.
He is diagnosed with ADHD but managed well on Adderall, but he takes 30 mg per day...is that huge? He has been placed with a fosterdad since his release from the sex offender program. I do not have info that is completely up to date...like how he has done with those behaviors since leaving the program. We left a message for his sw saying that we'd like to meet with her and his current foster dad next week. I have questions but would really appreciate some of your experienced input. This forum has been so helpful for me! We are inclined to proceed and meet K because I know we'd like him, but to be very honest, a sexually reactive child is scary. Help!!!! :)
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I'd look for a resource for SAY (sexually aggressive youth), lets say another foster parent with SAY disgnosed child or a treatment center for SAY youth. It's a very difficult and intractble problem, you have problems at school, playing with other children, daycare. They can't do the "normal" activities like boy scouts or sleepoverss or even be comfortably left alone, ever. You have to be ready for very angry reactions from other parents and a lifeling fear of your child doing something inappropriate. If you have the opportunity I'd foster first, then you can make a list of things that he will need over a lifetime (self-contained classroom or not, psychiatrist/meds, psychologist, etc in the subsidy BEFORE you finalize the adoption). I'd first have some conversations with people that have expereince with children that have been sexually aggressive and please keep in mind that the sw is being VERY positive to the point of OVERLY positive so please be careful. I assume you don't have any other children in your home or many child relatives that visit you. Please think this through, not to doscourage you since all children deserve love, but please know this is a big committment and the WORST thing you can do is start the adoption and disrupt later.
I'd also ask the adoption worker what special training they are going to give you BEFORE you adopt.
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hi,
the one thing i would tell you that the paperwork you got, is not always accurate.
they tell you bits of certain behaviors, and the social workers job is to get these kids out of the system.
roxanne quote:
"know this is a big committment and the WORST thing you can do is start the adoption and disrupt later."
very true....you are real nervous around this child, which is fine and very normal....i suggest take your time...really talk it over and find more information from parents who has or had sexual reative children.
why were the others turned down?...because you guys are active?....what the heck does that mean?..... :)
not sure if i would believe that. usually when there are other families involved, they are looking at families that can deal with the childs 'issues'..not how active they are....(but they wont tell you that)
but then again..it could mean the boy loves to go hiking and swimming and stuff...and found out that you guys love all that stuff too...
i dont think its normal for an 11 yr old to be asking his girlfriend for sex..maybe a 13 or 14 yr old..but 11...i dont know...
the sad part is, its probably normal for him.
im trying so hard not to discourage you...but also try to keep your eyes wide open.
my suggestion is write down alot of specific questions you want to ask the fosterdad...also ask his teacher very specific questions.
if you ask 'general' questions...people will automatically sugar coat...they are talking about a child after all...and they dont like to talk bad about a child...
what age was he hospitilized?...i would also probably talk to as many foster homes as he was in.
id be curious why there isnt up to date info after leaving the hosptial and being placed with fosterdad....thats odd...if anything, they would have more info thats current....
like roxanne, i dont want to discourage you...every child deserves a home...but some children do better with theraputic parents who have the experience dealing with certain behaviors these kids bring....
i have learned the hard way...
i wish you luck...but remember, think with your head and not your heart....
and what ever you do...DONT LOOK AT ANY PICTURES OF HIM UNTIL YOU DECIDE....because when you see their little faces...you start to think that the only thing the child needs is alot of love and you will be the ones to love him.......NOT!!
keep us informed and let us know how its going...
dadfor2
hi d,
he has been in three foster homes in between being shuffled back to his bio parents. the info that I summarized above was not his complete file, we are supposed to see that sometime next week. we have already seen a picture, so too late for a cold eye going over his file, but we have been very honest with ourselves about the situation so far. My dh is a psychologist, but specializes in something quite different. We both feel that if his behaviors in school (with regard to his peer group) have changed and that the program was helpful for him, then we are inclined to proceed.
i, too, question why we were selected...I am not a sw, so I can't say for sure...geographically we are pretty far away...a new start for him...he might be able to try and learn to be a kid again without everyone in town knowing his family's story and his history, active, we don't have other kids which I think is a plus for him, he needs an outlet for energy and his previous foster parents did not seek much out to keep him busy. We don't have unlimited resources for sure, but with some planning we can seek out resources for him...whether it be activities or a particular sort of counseling. We have no direct or indirect experience with sexually reactive kids. Do you know anyone who has had a child attend a sex offender program? What was the overrall outcome. They say that something like only 10-12% of kids in K's age range that attend the particular program go on to re-offend.
In short, these are guesses....not sure why we were selected. So far, it sounds like a dating service....we like being outside, hiking, sports and so does he. :) Seriously, I am trying to get his fosterdad's email address because we have a list of 50+ questions about his behavior and normal routine that we need answers for prior to meeting him. I would rather the guy have time to think about answering rather than trying to come up with some answer at a meeting. I certainly appreciate your honesty, and I don't feel like you are being overly negative.
Thanks,
K
kpos
ok, here is my biggest suggestion....froget the email.......get a phone number!!!!!!!!
you need to hear fdads voice!
something as serious as this, you want to be clear on what you are ready for...
words on a letter will not give you a full detail description...if you want to email him these specific questions and have him email his answers, then call him to discuss them....thats fine.
but you need to hear his voice.
also, do you have any records from when he was in the hospital?....you need to read them.
Im assuming he is from foster care system, so the SSW might have a copy...
if they are refusing to give them to you..id be very leary.
also, they might say they cant show due to confidentiality.....but the SW can get them.
if worse come to worse...you need to talk to his therapist at the hospital also.
just be aware....even though they say they have other families waiting...i have learned that this is not always the case....yes, SW do fib a little while trying to get children placed.
i have learned there are not allowed families waiting in line to adopt older kids from the system.
my guess and my thought, the reason you are a such a good fit, is everything you said above....and plus because you have no other children....
talk on the phone to fosterdad and hospital...not SW.
you might want to PM 'lucyjoy' from this forum...she has knowledge around sexually acting out children and has more expereince with those issues...im sure she would be willing to help you and certain questions to ask...
dadfor2
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