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How many moms placed thier babies due to circumstances....whether financial, lack of good employment, housing, father involvment or non involvment, lack of family support, etc....and then after placement, the situation changed.
How long after placement did things take to "get better" ? ( not talking emotional issues)
What do you think caused them to change? Direct result of placement...just the way of life?
Did you think, when pregnant, that things would have turned out this way? Why or why not?
If you had known, would that have effected your decision? And, please, try to separate your feelings from your child's adoptive parents with this question...or how happy/loved your child is, etc.
And hindsight, if you had not placed do you think you could still be at the same place, situationally, that you are now with your child?
I'm just trying to get a handle on influences that make us go certain routes and the inabilty to see beyond the immediate when pregnant.
So often, the story completely changes from the conditions that warrented palcement and I wonder what would have happened if some of us could have just held on for the first few years.
Thanks...
Claud
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Claud, I'm unable to answer your post because so little time has gone by. But I did just want to say that I've often wondered the same thing. I'm not ready now...but if I had hung on and struggled for the first few years then maybe things would have gotten better? I don't know. Something I'll always wonder though.
Vanda
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I placed my second born because my first born, the son I am raising, is special needs. I knew I couldnt meet both of their needs adequately, financially, emotional or otherwise.
Being totally honest҅I don't know that I would be where I am now, had I not made that very difficult decisionbut thatŒs the least of my worriesI don't think my son would be where he is, had I made the decision to parent.
My son turned ten in NovemberŅand he is in fourth gradethis is the first year that IŒve felt like things have been semi-normal. I still spend hours upon hours at endless Dr.s appointments҅but its nothing like it was even a year ago.
As for how I felt while I was pregnantI knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I couldnŒt parent
I probably could have held on for the first few yearsŅand who knowsI may have been able to successfully raise two well balanced kidsŅbut that wasnt a gamble I was willing to take.
Hopefully this won't be used against me. Anyway, yes, I placed because I was in a poor situation in every sense of the thought/term/phrase. Yes, my situation changed afterwards. Why? I hit rock bottom. I had not been able to raise my own child. I felt like a failure as a woman, a Mother and a human being in general. I then decided it was time to change. I got my life turned around because I felt I had to make my daughter proud of me even though I had let her down in the most primal of ways. Would I have been able to turn my life around had I parented? Yes, but on a much lesser level. I have no doubt that I wouldn't have my (well paying rather successful) job. No doubt in my mind. I would still be in Pennsylvania. I would probably still be living with my parents. I may feel better about myself as a person but I definitely would not be at the life situation I am now and I don't think it would be fair to my daughter to have made her go through all that crap of welfare with me. For those who say that doctors treat welfare patients the same, I strongly disagree. My kidney issues today are a result of poor medical care during the pregnancy on welfare. I would NEVER put my child through that. Never.
Just found this thread. Sorry to see it didn't get more responses.
To answer the question:
Nothing was wrong with my life when I placed. So nothing really "improved" afterwards. There were two changes: I graduated college a year after placing. I moved in with Matt (then fiance, now hubby, not Marie's birthfather) within three months of placing, and I got married (within 16 months of placing).
All in all, I have no idea why I though it was so necessary of me to place. All I can conclude is I bought into several lies.
Personally, my life has turned around about 1000% from the life I was leading when I decided to choose adoption for my baby.
I have a wonderful hub, a beautiful home, and a good job. Could I have held on while I didn't have those things? Sure, probably...would it have been good for either of us if I did, though? Nope. I didn't have the kind of life I now lead until she was almost 8. Was I willing to put her thru 8 years of crud while I got it together? Nope. That was the reason I made my decision.
That being said, do I ever look back and fantasize about what it might have been like/could have been like? Absolutely every day.
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I placed because of several things I wanted my son to have a daddy not the "father" that he had. I was trying to raise one daughter by my self and I was scrapping just to do that. I was in a abusive relationship that was at its peak and the tip was falling off !!! All in all I just wanted my son to have a wonderful family and a a loving caring father who would be there always, not when it pleased or suited him . yes things have changed for the best I am getting on my feet. I have a great job ( could not have got one if I had kept my son ) and I am back in school ( could have done but it would have been harder ) and I have cut off all communication with the father ( that is totally for the best and safety of my childern and me ... not to sure if I could have done that raising 2 of the man's children ) What caused them to change was the fact that I wanted my life to change and I felt like my world was falling apart and that is not a good feeling !! I wanted to make a better life for my self and my daughter !! I was tired of being stuck in the pattern I had created. If I had known would I change things ... No because I would not be were I am today if I had changed things. Like I said before I would not be were I am today if I had keep my son and I know that for a fact !! I really could not tell you where I would be but I would not be were I am and doing what I am doing with my life at this point. I probable could have held on but I almost did not hold on to the first year of my daughters life cause of the situation with her father but I am glad I did ... I agree with brandy on the fact that it was just not a gamble that I was willing to make Jess