Will the hurt ever end?

Hello hopeful... I hope and pray that you find your son and daughter very soon.. Why has this year been especially difficult? I ask this because reunion can be difficult.. I know when I reunited with my bson all my emotions when crazy.. Then I had to learn how to deal with the times of no communication.. So many things to deal with.. Preparing for reunion can be very important.. IMO Welcome to the forums.. Jackie

I too am a birthmother of 2, son 22, and daughter 21. I was reunited with them both in August 2004. I felt before I searched that I just had to find them, so I understand how you are feeling. I realized later that my reasons for wanting to find them were mostly because I had recently lost my raised daughter, and I just had an overwhelming need to make sure they were okay. Maybe not the best of reasons to search, but I was fortunate and with the help of some wonderful people from here, I located them both in about 3 weeks. I have recently read a book, The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide, and it has helped me alot, to get through these crazy emotions since reunion, and it gave me insight about how my kids might be feeling as well. Reunion is hard , many ups and downs, but you have to just take it one day at a time. If you would like to talk anytime just pm me, and I will help any way I can. I'm here often. Best of luck with your search, and if I can help just let me know. Hugs to you. Lisa

Jackie & Lisa:Thanks so much for the support. It does help me to post here bacause there is so much information from great people like you. I am fairly new to this so any info. you are willing to share would be very helpful. I have registered at many sites and registeries. What else can I do besides WAIT! I think that is the hardest part. Waiting and wondering if you will get a response or not. I just pray that someday I can at least know that they are both OK. Feel free to pm me with anything you have. It would be greatly appreciated.Thanks and hugs to both of you!

I just want to say Thank You. As an Adoptive mom every day I thank god that somehow, some way he blessed me to become a mom and raise 4 beautiful biological siblings. I fully support you in finding your children and I pray that their hearts are prepared to receive you and welcome you into their lives. Children who have been adopted out need to know that they are loved not by just the Adoptive Parents but the Birth Parent who so lovingly gave them up for whatever reason. Please keep looking. This may be the year that reunites you and your children. Sincerely,Sharlene

Hi; I can definently understand how you are feeling. I am feeling the same way as I type this. My birthson is almost 19 and I began searching for him 3 months ago thru the agency that has my file. They were able to contact his adoptive family but hit a brick wall when requesting any information from them. They refused to give out anything and said that I had signed my rights away and they didn't want further contact. I wrote a Dear Adoptive Mother letter and took it to the agency hoping that they would mail it and she would see that I wasn't a bmom trying to reek havoc on their lives, just trying to fill a void that has been in my life for 19 years. The agency will not mail my letter. I'm at a loss, I don't know where to turn. I don't have enough information to locate them, but all I want is a little bit of information to know that the child I gave birth to is alive and well and will hopefully one day want to reunite with me at his timing. I miss him horribly. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder where he is or what he is doing. I've moved on with my life and am happily married with 3 biological children and a grandchild now, but the void is still there. Any advice on how to search or how to hold on and keep the hope alive is appreciated. I wish all adoptive families felt the same way that the one posting stated. Every child needs to know they have more than just the adoptive family that loves them. It was out of love that I left the hospital 19 years ago without him.God Bless you. Please contact me if you'd like to be in touch. We're all in this together.Mary Kay

I got your reply and My heart goes out to you. I do not know why the agency will not forward a letter. That is the least they can do for you. However, there are alot of places on line that you can register and try and let your son know that if he is looking for you......You too are looking for him. That alone will help him in his transition when he finds out he is adopted. To just know you love him and you are looking for him too. Some adoptive parents don't have a clue as to what they are doing to the child and the birth parent when they do a closed adoption and let alot of years pass with out the truth being told. I know some of the adoptive parents of my adopted children will not even allow the siblings to have a yearly visit. I will be looking for alot of places for you to post your search for your son. I am always available to talk or write to at Older Child Adoption Blog at Adoption. Com Or you can reach my private email at SnoFLKDrms@aol.com. Take care and don't give up. Hugs, Sharlene

Mary Kay wrote..

but all I want is a little bit of information to know that the child I gave birth to is alive and well and will hopefully one day want to reunite with me at his timing.. Patience.. I think we all got to learn patience.. My bson did not connect with me till he was 35.. He did not want to know till then.. he was not ready.. Obviously the adoptive parents are not ready.. Maybe your bson is not ready.. but them pushing you away is not the final answer.. not in my world.. Your bson may want to meet you a year from now.. He may help his adoptive parents sort their fears.. He may keep his relationship with you separate.. after he sorts any issues he has to sort with the adoptive parents.. Who knows.. Obviously he is well loved.. There are some good amoms on this site.. I know that some of them can and will share with you what happens to them when they enter into the reunion experience.. Please stay with us.. Lots of help here.. Jackie

I am a good Amom and you do have a feel a little unsecure when your children decide they need to find the real Birth Mom and Dad. However this is so natural for them to want to know who they are. Who's eyes do they have? Does mom have the same hair color? Does dad have the same chin? It is all apart of the great circle of Adoption. We are on loan from God. He places us here to live and grow and to survive. Just as his own son Jesus was raised by an Adad named Joseph. Some children will grow up in the arms of another person instead of the Birth Mom or Dad. I believe your son has loving Aparents who just want to protect him and shelter him with love. If it is a closed adoption he very well may not know yet that he even is adopted. Whatever their fear or reasoning I believe like Jackie that they will come around and one day your son will find you. I do encourage you to keep looking because maybe he does know about you and maybe he is on the registry some where on the net looking for you also. Sometimes Adoptive Kids do not tell the Aparents they are looking. They do not want to cause them pain or hurt or make them feel they were not enough. Searching for your son is as natural as any child searching for their Bmom or Bdad. Keep the faith. Sharlene

Hi, as hard as it is I agree - patience is a must. I located my b-daug about 2 1/2 yrs ago thru a CI program and we have been emailing/cards/letters on a regular basis ever since. But she still will not even talk to me, her full sister or brother on the phone, she says she is very shy and wouldn't know what to say. She turned 38 in Jan 2006, has always known she is adopted (has 2 adopted brothers too) but has never had any desire to search for me, said she doesn't understand why people want to search. She said she nor her brothers ever thinks about them being adopted so it is never talked about in her family. She is not married, no kids and is very close to her family. I told her on my first contact that I was willing to go her pace and I meant it, I admit it is difficult tho. Hang in there and don't give up hope. Sheila