Attention all B/Moms -Excitement to Silence

Since it's only been three days I'd say she was in shock and trying to figure out how she feels. She may need some more time to soak it all in and prepare her family. Even though they have known about your husband to have it become a reality is a whole other thing. I went through a brief period right after my son turned 18 of wanting to know him so badly but being afraid I'd disappoint him in some way. It's a pretty confusing feeling, a lot fo fear comes up (at least for me it did). I know it's hard but try to be patient for a little while longer, I'm betting by her original reaction that she will want some kind of contact.

Jessica, I appreciate this must be so frustrating but all I can say is be patient as your bmum as probably got past the initial euphoria of contact and has started to think about it. My bson had been searching for me for 5 years since he was 18 but I found him by accident last August through a website where he had put my details. Going on my own personal experience at first I was so happy but after the initial 'excitement' of it all I started thinking about the more serious side of it all. Also in my case I had only talked about the adoption 3 times over the years so there was also the flood of emotions to deal with as well. Your bmum is more than likely dealing with her own flood of emotions so just try and be patient. I hope all goes well and you have a good reunion though. Montravia :)

I believe that birthmothers spend most of their life in very deep denial in order to protect themselves. Upon learning of a reunion, they might experience apparent delight along with intense apprehension. When they realize the discomfort and pain that reality can bring, it could seem to be all too much to endure. And it would be so easy to decide to go back into that cozy, numb state of repression that is so much a habit and a part of their very identity. It's quite difficult to maintain denial and reunion at the same time. I don't know what you can do except for patience. I am a birthmother who experienced huge fear on reunion, but I guess the initial euphoria got me through that anxiety. There were lots of times I would like to have just run away rather than face all that was going on in my head.

I agree with SheilaK. I went through the very same feelings she just described. It is so confusing to want so bad to meet and get to know your child, the one you have never laid eyes on and at the same time to want to run and hide from all of it because of the turmoil that is going on in your head. I was very lucky to have an understanding husband and daughters to be able to talk about all of my doubts. Will he think that I am pushy, will he like me, will his wife like me, and on and on and on. In the end the worry was all for nothing. He is a wonderful well adjusted man married to a wonderful wife with two great children. He holds no bad feeling towards me and was raised by two very loving and caring parents. We so far have a great relationship and all want to see each other often. Good luck and give her a little time to sort out her feelings.

[ I know for sure that I didn't spend most of my life in denial - I spent 33 years wishing my child the best of life, andthere was always that "touch of numbness" - some part of me - my son - was missing. Very much like parents feel with the death of a child; the family is incomplete and to function, we mourn our loss. BUT....Once reunion arrives, I was so happy to feel again - to loose that numbness and let the excitement and hope run free. I revelled in it - even the re-enactment that played like flash cards in my head. I wouldn't have missed it for the world and tho the intensity has gone and the realities of reunion and life in general seep in, I believe we can recall that elation, take an optomistic view and believe that what we started or are attempting to do, will be wonderful and will enhance our lives. So........... reach out to each other. Tell your child that you might make some errors along the way because you have no experience of this emotive event but........... that with their help and advice, you are sure between the two of you, you will find a happy balance in your reunion. Communication is the key All the above is my HOPE - my son and I are sort of there. I still have mini doubts and smll panic attacks but that's not because of repression or what happened 34 years ago. It's because of what happened 2 years ago and its all good - hard work sometimes but oh, so better than the not knowing that went before it. Positive thoughts to you all in your reunions. Ann

Jessica -- It sounds to me like it may be her daughter who has issues with reunion, not your husband's birthmother. She's suddenly referring to your husband as the "young man who conducted the search" rather than as her son, and says she needs to speak with her daughter. My guess would be the daughter sowed some suspicion about your husband's authenticity or motives. I'm a birthmother in reunion with my son for six years. One of the things I discovered is that the reactions of people close to the reunited pair can be all over the place. Whether this daughter is motivated by insecurity or fear or jealousy, she has her mother's ear and unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it. If your husband can be patient waiting and reassuring in any contact he does have with his birthmother, there's a chance she will come around. Maybe he could write to her and let her know he respects her other relationships and doesn't want to disrupt them -- and that there's no reason their reunion has to have that effect. I may well be wrong in the way I read the situation, but I do think it's possible. I realize it's been months since you posted. I hope things have improved. I know it can be very hurtful to an adoptee to be pushed away by a birthparent. My son's birthfather did something very similar to him. I wish you and your husband all the best. Mary Jane

Mary Jane has made a very good point here about the daughter sowing some suspicion about your husband's authenticity. My husband asked me early on in my reunion how I could be so sure my son was in fact my son. I told him the only way I could prove that 100% was by a DNA test which I would have been prepared to go through if necessary. However we are very much alike in many ways, we have met, and I do have photographs of him. The family resemblence is so strong, he even looked like my mum's twin brother when he was young. I have a photograph of him as baby and he was exactly as I remembered in it. Obviously my husband has changed his attitude since then and the subject hasn't come up again. Pip :)