Looking for advice from those adopted when toddlers

i'm not an adoptee, but i am an adoptive mother and we were matched with our daughter when she was barely 3 yrs old. she had a rough time in foster care, and numerous placements (we were #5 in 13 months) and it took 6 months before she started to trust us. (that was just a month ago!) she is very insecure about things, there have been and probably will be more set backs and it is difficult for her, but she is able to bond, and it gets better all the time!

I am an adoptee. I was adopted when I was four years old, almost five. I had been in two foster homes before and had lived with my birth mother up until I was two years old before then. I guess that it was an easy placement. I don't remember. My Mom always tells me that I was always running around to people wanting them to hug me and hold me. I was a sweet child. But I did have developmental delays. I was behind in my speech and stuff because my birthmother just didn't spend that time with me. But I turned out just fine. As for bonding with my family. Well, I have a great relationship with my family. I always talk with my mom. She is the one that I am closest to. My dad works alot, but I still like spending time with him when I can. I have an older sister, I have tried to have a relationship with her, but she has resisted, so I let her go. It may take some work but my advice is to stick by your child's side and know that you are there for them no matter what happens. And that you love them for who they are.

I am an adoptive mom of two boys adopted when they were 3 and 4. Today, they are 10 and 9. Bonding in adoption can be hard - the fact that you are aware of this NOW and are addressing it NOW is absolutely essential. I would suggest (strongly!) that you read Toddler Adoption:The Weaver's Craft. Its an excellent resource. Jensboys

We are adoptive parents - our daughter will be approximately 18 months when we get her - does she qualify as a toddler?

Any child over the age of 6 months will have special issues when it comes to adoption -- but any baby over the age of 12 months is considered a "toddler" in the sense of adoption and attachment. Jen

My son was just under 3 when I adopted him Internationally. I can say that bonding is hard work. But it's great when things start to click. My son and I have been together almost 2 years. He seems to have bonded and attached well. But there is always improvement and work to be done. He trusts me and reaches for me in times of need, pain, illness, etc. This shows that things a good.

Unfortunatly, I was adopted twice in my life. The first time I was adopted, I was 5yrs old. It was really hard for me to get attached due to the fact that I was treated like crap before I met that family. I was taken away from my bfamily at 6 months old. I was then placed in a family that treated me like I was a slave. Do you know the story, Harry Potter? Well that was how I was treated. I litterally had a room in the closet under the stairs. To put it simply, I was treated like crap. When I finally started likeing the family that I moved in with, they adopted me. They already had a daughter that they adopted. They treated me like I was an angel. But I treated them like crap because of the fact that I was treated poorly when I was younger. The reason that they gave me up was because of the fact that their first adopted daughter had alot of things wrong with her. She was born to an alcoholic mother. So she had FAS. The family couldn't deal with her and me, a troubled infant. To make sure that this doesn't happen to you, make sure that the information that the agency gives you is acurate. I am now in a loving family. They treat me like I am their own flesh and blood.

lookin4u - sorry to hear that you had such a rough start, but very glad that you are in a loving family now. princess - once again, I am not an adoptee (I'd love to hear more from them too!); we adopted our four-year old daughter just recently. I agree that you should definitely read Toddler Adoption; The Weaver's Craft. I also really like Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and A Child's Journey Through Placement. These are excellent rescources and can really help you be prepared for what you might face. However, they can be scary to read. After I read Toddler Adoption, I put older-child adoption on the back burner for a while because it scared me. Keep in mind that you will face some of what is described, but not all of it, and not necessarily the worst-case scenarios they describe. Take the books seriously, but try not to let them scare you TOO much. You can and should be really clear with the case workers about what issues/problems you can and can not handle. Although you still have to keep in mind that a problem might first appear after the child is placed with you. I felt that our SW's and the former foster mom were very honest with us, and gave us a ton of information. However, two new behavior problems popped up. Both were somewhat alarming, and both have dramatically improved. We were luciky in that M was immediately very affectionate and loving with us, and continues to be. She has some attachment issues, although relatively minor in comparison to what some people face. Basically, in a nutshell, the experience is sometimes challenging but I would not trade it or her for anything in the world. I can truly say that I love M absolutely as much as C (my bio daughter). I think she loves us too, and is very bonded with us at this point. Continue to read alot, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. Good luck!

We adopted our daughter from Guatemala when she was 3. She has been home for 4 months, and we feel like she has been here forever. She is totally attached to all of us. She is very loving and appreciative of everything. It was hard for the first 2 weeks, but after that, it was quite easy. We love her so much, and can't imagine life without her. I suggest you visit the child prior to accepting a referral. You will be able to tell what type of personality they have, and it will be a good indicator how they will bond. Good luck with your decision.

[font=Verdana]This may be off the chart but it is something as an adoptee,an adult, grandfather, and reunited that I like to tell adoptive parents. [/font] [font=Verdana]I was adopted at about 10 days, but from what my mother said even then bonding was hard. She said that I cried and screamed for about a month or more.[/font] [font=Verdana]If someone asked if I ever bonded with my mother as that is the way it's suppose to work I could not answer that question.[/font] [font=Verdana]The one thing that as I look back on my adoption was there were differences. There will be differences. I was the arties type, my dad was a jock. My thought and actions were different then theirs. Now 50 years ago we did not know about DNA, or inherited traits like now but please be aware that there is a lot more biological influence then one would care to admit. I know now after meeting my bfamily.[/font] [font=Verdana]Keep this in mind as you raise your children. I believe that if my parents had been aware of genetic influences it would have made it much easer for all of us. [/font] [font=Verdana]If you have an open or even partial open this will help because you can get to know the bfamily If you have an international or close you are in for a real interesting ride.[/font] [font=Verdana]I knew of a couple that tried to make their adopted daughter into them and we are talking in the past 20 some years, and it put a real trip on the daughter. Not only was it closed, it was international and not Western European at that. [/font] [font=Verdana]Being a parent of an adoptee is hard enough, anyway you can make it simpler go for it. The sooner you can pick out what the genetic traits are then you can handle the situation better and they can adapt to the environmental surroundings much better. [/font] [font=Verdana]You can teach an adoptee to think a lot like you think and do a lot of what you do, but (yes there has to be a but), those pesky little old genes will kick in and you'll wonder where in the world that came from, simple DNA. [/font] [font=Verdana]I hope for the best to all you with courage to adopt because it takes courage to step out into the unknown. Like Captain Kurt would say, Where no man or women had gone before.Ӕ You get to chart your own course with this child, what influences you exert on the child and what genetics influence. One you know, the other is the going where no one has gone before. God love all of you and bless you.[/font] [font=Verdana]Joe[/font]

The two biggest things kids of any age want and need is love and the feeling of security. Even the older kids that are in foster care will give you the most difficult time until they can trust you. The younger aged children, in my opinion, are the easiest to bond with, but any child that is shown unconditional love will bond. I think you will do fine... We had a 3 1/2 year old foster son that was a little self-destructive with biting himself when he was frustrated or angry. Within the first week of him being with us, he stopped that behavior. He knew we were there for him and loved him and loved having him in our home. He relaxed and was a very special boy to us. On a side note, adopting toddlers is great in that you don't have to go through so much diaper changing... :D We are going through potty training right now with our dear adopted daughter of 2 1/2... and loving it!!! :) Missy

Hi I was fostered out from an orpahnge at age 3....before that I had had one other nursery holding place for unwanted babies..... Bonding.....I find that a difficult process.....but my amother had already had three boys of her own..so perhaps that helped her.....I think I was quite difficult in the first place...needing a lot of attention and clingy....i think I could say I was attached to my mother...not sure bonded is the right word...until much later on in my life..... I think you just need to be aware there may be some difficult transition processes...for you both....the bonding can happen, its the consequences of not having any stability for the beginning of the toddlers life might be the things that needs extra work with......but love covers all....... Also...I remember my mom saying she hadnt wanted a child who wasn't potty trained....that might sound great for her.....but I felt that again I had been cheated out of some of the normal stuff other kids get to go through.....we were all trained to sit on the pot at the same time and all at once..(all us toddlers in the same orpahange..can you imagine it!!!lol). shef

I am an adoptee who was adopted at birth; however, my brother (not biological) was adopteed by our parents at the age of two. This was his second placement. HIs bmom kept him for a while, then he was placed in foster care. He was adopted but the marriage fell apart before the probabtion time of the adoption was up so they placed him in the same foster home and then my parents got him when he turned two. I would say that he has had no problem bonding with my parents. Our immediately family is a close family, and even though he drives me nuts, LOL, Neither of us have ever felt like we didn't bond with our parents and sometimes wonder what all the fuss is about. I will say that Terry's start has had a definate affect on him, though. His bonding problems isn't within our family but outside of it. He is in his second marriage that is failing. He is very insecure about himself. I think his start has a role in all of this, but it is so hard o say how much or how little. I think everyone has issues, whether adopted or not. I see friends who were raised in wonderful, two parent households, who are a mess. I see other people who have been raised in the worst conditions have it so much more together than others who have had it easy. My mother has said that when she first got Terry, it took him a little while to warm completely up to her, because his mother had abandon him and then with the first couple who adopted him, the father would not let the mother have anything to do with Terry, it was all daddy. SHe said it quickly changed and they bonded and had a great relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Carolyn